01:17. It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep now. Why is that? I’m not cut out for this. For what? For sobriety? For life? For loving? For blogging? No… none of those… I’m not cut out for prescribing things for myself online that I feel I then need to follow.
Oh I don’t know what I’m not cut out for.
I miss the tree, so much. It was real, a real entity. As much as that sounds crazy, it was true… and I miss it so much. I miss the sounds of the night back there, too.
It became my home. Did I leave my heart over there? No. It’s here somewhere, it’s here with my family. But it’s like part of it is missing.
I actually have tears in my eyes as I write this.
But this 12 steps thing… I can’t do this online. It’s such a personal thing, in my view, I don’t know if anybody can.
After I published that last post, I lay in bed awake, thinking, what am I doing? Another blogger I recently read, one of my favourites, not sure if she wants to be named, had written that she didn’t feel qualified.
I thought that too, when I went to bed. I thought, what am I even doing here? On this blog? It makes no damn sense. And am I allowed to swear? And if I do, shouldn’t it at least be in a way that’s grammatically correct? Lol. The questions that make me laugh. Laughing is the best. It’s honestly one of the only things that matter.
When I drank wine, I relaxed. I laughed… a lot. I laugh just thinking about it now. I went from being that mom at the dinner table always going “sit up straight, chew with your mouth closed, elbows off the table”… etcetera, etcetera… x4 kids; repeat ad infinitum… to just going with it, and having a grand old time.
Anyway… I still quite honestly prefer the high I get from non-toxic sources. And I’m not sure I can achieve that while blogging about it online.
…hovers over publish button…]
The 12 steps, if anyone wants to try them on their own: aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf
(Replace words liberally and/or as necessary. Good for any number of addictions. :))
02:26. that’s a fuck of a lot of blinking cursor…