10:00. Sun is shining and T and the boys are out doing yard work. I’ve been writing a tiny bit but mostly catching up with reading friends’ posts on various blogs (—I have three socially-active blogging accounts and related feeds). I still don’t know how to balance this. One of the main reasons I started blogging was to support other bloggers. It’s a bit of a catch-22 since it brings me so much joy, but I don’t seem to have an auto-off-button. Just like when I used to drink wine. Or rather, I did have an auto-off button but it kicked in a bit too late for my own liking.
For me it was that old adage, “If I controlled it I couldn’t enjoy it, and if I enjoyed it I couldn’t control it.”
Just a quick think (sic) I wanted to mention here though. I was thinking of a very good galfriend of mine recently and how she pulled through for me at the worst of times. She made five hour journey (and five hours back again) day trip from the city ‘burbs, just to be there with me near my dad’s far-up-the-coast place in Canada, for my mom’s memorial. I hadn’t even asked her to do that. We hardly ever talk, but it’s one of those friendships where you don’t need to always feel obligated to keep tabs on one another.
Yesterday I was looking at pics of our trip to Europe together just after high school. We didn’t get along on a lot of petty issues, but the big ones we were solid on. But I saw these pictures and realized I did have deep and problematic love affair with alcohol, and its related blinding illusions regarding true connection, even back then. Even if no one ever told me I did.
I’m still tempted some days to just go back to the “normal” life. Whatever life I’m living now is not “normal.” Sometimes that feels bad.
I’m also a major work in progress. Basically a massively messy one at that. I know that if I ever went in for some official diagnosis of some kind I could get a full smorgasbord, or at least be considered borderline. OCD, bipolar, BPD, depression, ADHD… etc. But flip any of those around and you also have positive side effects, and or vice versa. For every plus there is a minus; for every negative there is a positive. Maybe we can only hope to move upwards along a tangent, rather than irradicating the dichotomy.
But I wanted to jot down this main thought… I have read, from various folks around here… and elsewhere… that the best benefits of sobriety come after a couple of years or more.
I am beginning to believe that, not just as logic or on spec, but as a kind of bloom of deep awareness, or as fundamental truth, which I now begin to water in the depths of my soul.
So as bad as I feel about my lack of progress in general, and my many, many issues, I feel that I need to keep faith, and keep on, keep on. Hope you do as well.
much love, and gratitude,