Keep the faith, the heart is blooming in a quiet place

10:00. Sun is shining and T and the boys are out doing yard work. I’ve been writing a tiny bit but mostly catching up with reading friends’ posts on various blogs (—I have three socially-active blogging accounts and related feeds). I still don’t know how to balance this. One of the main reasons I started blogging was to support other bloggers. It’s a bit of a catch-22 since it brings me so much joy, but I don’t seem to have an auto-off-button. Just like when I used to drink wine. Or rather, I did have an auto-off button but it kicked in a bit too late for my own liking.

For me it was that old adage, “If I controlled it I couldn’t enjoy it, and if I enjoyed it I couldn’t control it.”

Just a quick think (sic) I wanted to mention here though. I was thinking of a very good galfriend of mine recently and how she pulled through for me at the worst of times. She made five hour journey (and five hours back again) day trip from the city ‘burbs, just to be there with me near my dad’s far-up-the-coast place in Canada, for my mom’s memorial. I hadn’t even asked her to do that. We hardly ever talk, but it’s one of those friendships where you don’t need to always feel obligated to keep tabs on one another.

Yesterday I was looking at pics of our trip to Europe together just after high school. We didn’t get along on a lot of petty issues, but the big ones we were solid on. But I saw these pictures and realized I did have deep and problematic love affair with alcohol, and its related blinding illusions regarding true connection, even back then. Even if no one ever told me I did.

I’m still tempted some days to just go back to the “normal” life. Whatever life I’m living now is not “normal.” Sometimes that feels bad.

I’m also a major work in progress. Basically a massively messy one at that. I know that if I ever went in for some official diagnosis of some kind I could get a full smorgasbord, or at least be considered borderline. OCD, bipolar, BPD, depression, ADHD… etc. But flip any of those around and you also have positive side effects, and or vice versa. For every plus there is a minus; for every negative there is a positive. Maybe we can only hope to move upwards along a tangent, rather than irradicating the dichotomy.

But I wanted to jot down this main thought… I have read, from various folks around here… and elsewhere… that the best benefits of sobriety come after a couple of years or more.

I am beginning to believe that, not just as logic or on spec, but as a kind of bloom of deep awareness, or as fundamental truth, which I now begin to water in the depths of my soul.

So as bad as I feel about my lack of progress in general, and my many, many issues, I feel that I need to keep faith, and keep on, keep on. Hope you do as well.

much love, and gratitude,

xoxo n/stl/ltp

 

rear view of man on mountain road against sky
p.s. so nice… found this in free WP image library by searching for “faith country.” Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

40 thoughts on “Keep the faith, the heart is blooming in a quiet place

  1. All the very best.m trying to quit smoking but no success…U r sober Now and have a great reason to cheer and feel proud of yourself..May your mom’s soul rest in peace.tc

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Meena… means a lot. Keep trying… took me many tries before I managed to completely stop smoking a couple of years ago. Helped to make a list of reasons… one of the main ones being that I didn’t want to be obsessed by the thought of having my next smoke… and I wanted to be a positive influence for the kids without having to hide anything. One day at a time… 💛 thanks again. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks a lot .m going to seriously try to quit from tom.i have begun to be repelled by the smell and can control normally but the slightest bit of tension and anxiety pushes me towards it.butneed tk be healthy for the kids.hence will give it a serious try😊

        Liked by 1 person

        1. So sorry I missed this till now! Keep trying and never give up. That’s how we make it there. 😊💕👯‍♂️. My mother in law died of throat cancer (she was a heavy smoker and drinker). That helped me wake up also. It seemed worse to me than lung cancer somehow — to not be able to eat nor sing. When I started waking up with a sore throat after a few smokes the night before it seemed like a sign. And yes the smell is very unattractive. Even though I only smoked outside the kids could still smell it on my clothes. Hugs to you and thanks for all your support… you are a miracle. ❤️🌿💛👯‍♂️

          Liked by 1 person

  2. when they said ‘one day at a time’ , they really knew what they were talking about. i remember hearing the phrase ( before i even knew it was an AA thing) and it never really sank in until i was going through recovery. I believe your are correct about the best parts coming after several years…i have seen much evidence of that in random friendships i have acquired ( totally unrelated- some artists, some from church, some colleagues in the field) . I hope someday i am in their ranks!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, same here for that phrase… it’s the one that works best. 💛 I think of Brené Brown, 25 years sober, and what she has accomplished, and she owes it to her sobriety. I didn’t know that till after I began this journey… but it made so much sense when I found out. xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness – “Maybe we can only hope to move upwards along a tangent, rather than irradicating the dichotomy.” This is so beautifully said, and mirrors some of my own key beliefs. I have said it before, I will say it again, you are a wise and beautiful soul dear friend. Apologies for missing posts lately too ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Rachel for your super kind words, and trust you to pick out that key nugget which I felt was the crux of what I was getting at in my thought-trains. Please don’t worry about missing posts… I know you have tons to keep up with as well. It’s me who feels guilty for not keeping up!! :)) xoxo ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Nadine, thank god I don’t like visiting doctors…for I too would be diagnosed as bipolar, depressed, ADHD and what not. You are a beautiful soul. Love reading your thoughts. Much love, dear. ❤️🌷

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Everyone has some “disorder” or “label” that a little purple pill can cure… according to Big Pharma. Yes, maybe in some cases- emphasis on some- meds may be necessary. And they can be useful tools used as a bridge…. if prescribed by an expert pharmacologist. Our bodies, our minds and our spirits will always guide us if we are willing to do “the work”. Along with someone gifted in the art of giving us their presence and love. Unfortunately, it usually takes going outside of the “system” and insurance to find these practitioners. But so well worth it.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Hi Nadine! I’ll be around a bit more as I semi-retired…. working at the store trying to coordinate the curbside just about did me in. I still don’t feel well but am getting better each day.. So scary what stress does to the body and mind. Love ya, girl!

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Lovely to hear from you Nadine – you are so right about the dichotomy – I think it’s about being able to embrace all of ourselves and be able to be the best fit for whatever we have to deal with. Flexible but grounded. We are all works in progress and you are a beautiful soul who thinks and feels deeply 💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

  6. awwww Nadine 🙂 Nothing in reading this blog ever made me think of BPD or Bordeline, that I can tell you lol As I can’t believe I never heard the old adage ““If I controlled it I couldn’t enjoy it, and if I enjoyed it I couldn’t control it” – I feel like the first 50 posts on tmy blog are clumsy ways(and failures) to come to that final formulation 🙂 bahahaha ! Anyway, yes to glass half full-slope sliding upward and hope moving us forward to a kinder, more peaceful future. ❤ xxx Big higs ❤ Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol well you maybe haven’t read me other blogs then, gal. 😆🤓💕
      As for thatt saying – right??? I think we’re all trying to say that with every post, so true lol!!! And cheers to that lovely last thought. Thanks so much for your ever-lovely support, and big hugs back. ❤️🙏🤗 xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So so hard on yourself Nadine and really no need to be. I have never heard the phrase “if I control it I can’t enjoy it and if I enjoy it I can’t control it”. It’s like you explained my fundamental problem in a nutshell. It will be worth it Nadine. It already has been. Love and hugs Claire xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was looking at old pictures recently too! I can tell by the way I stand, my eyes and about everything I was doing that I had been drinking. It wasn’t me. I was always planning my next drinking time. Now that I am older I can’t stand how alcohol affected my thinking and actions. I too definitely had a problematic issue with alcohol from day 1. It’s hard to make life changes but you have made so many!! Drinking and smoking! That’s huge! I am sending you a big hug!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s so hard to admit to isn’t it? But I loved that feeling of imagined freedom from responsibility from the first moment I tasted it. Thanks as always for your wonderful sharing comments, you’re such a very very big support to me and I’m ever grateful to you for it, Jackie. Big hugs back!! ❤️❤️👯‍♂️🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  9. “If I controlled it I couldn’t enjoy it, and if I enjoyed it I couldn’t control it.”
    This will be going around my head today.
    And remember we are always the last to notice our own progress. There is the valley of disappointment before the rise. We’re doing fine.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I think this is more “normal” than society would like us to think is ok. We are programmed to be ashamed of our messiness but don’t we all experience this? I say lets be proud of it and work through this together. *grabs megaphone* It’s ok to be vulnerable!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I won’t write much more as I already put in my 2 cents above. Nadine you are beautiful and wonderful soul- perfect in your imperfections- just like the rest of us. I think that’s what I struggle with the most….how come it’s taking me so long to be perfect? For me my ego/pride are what make me a miserable wretch. Well so much for not writing much more!
    🙄I should be around a bit more now as I left my job… or truth be told, it was a very mutual parting of ways. But actually very positive due to my sobriety. So relieved actually. My immediate goal is to rest and replenish- feeling so depleted. Like a battery that won’t hold a charge. Good to see you, sister and I look forward to seeing more of you!!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well said again Elizabeth, yes, “Ego is the enemy.” And “the obstacle is the way” (Ryan Holiday I think, based on stoicism philosophies). :))
      I’m so glad you are going to get some rest. So important as well for progress sometimes. Really glad for WP if you will be around more. You’re such a lovely presence. Thank you as always for your wonderful input and comments. :)) 💛🌻

      Liked by 1 person

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