22:30. Short update… I did not drink. Thanks to the people who supported that last post, via likes and comments. It massively helped.
I had a quiet day and I hardly did anything, tbh. The only thing I can take credit for in the household today is mending one shirt and making dinner.
At lunch (which my husband ended up making — it’s ascension day, a holiday in much of Europe, so he’s off work), and after writing that post, which was absolutely the best thing I could have done… I told the same thing to my husband; i.e. that I nearly poured myself a glass of wine when I saw the bottle on the counter. That was helpful for me too. Even if it changes nothing else, it just helps to say it out loud. He listened and it was cool.
This is my normal way of operating. I’m a confessionalist by nature it would seem… which at times I find to be a weakness in myself… but I’m becoming okay with it, since it also seems to serve me well.
Today it certainly did. Thanks also to your responses.
I drank about three wine-glasses of diet cola at lunch, which is not normal for me (I don’t usually drink that much lol) but I enjoyed every sip, as well as the amazing weather. We ate lunch outside and it was peaceful. Partly because I was not drinking (alcohol), I’d say.
In the evening, just before coming here to write, I stepped outside.
The night is beautiful, warm and balmy, dim but not dark; the crickets were chirping. I stood under the tree, and remembered my feelings when I first started this blog.
I was writing to one imagined person back then. Once person maybe a bit like me, kind of on the fence about things. It felt good and it felt cosy. That’s also what I did when I wrote that last post, which also felt good.
I love my family, but their interests mostly differ from mine, which is fine. Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging, because it’s become like an addiction, and I often want to quit… but for now I continue to allow myself to have both (family life and blogging life). They have all the links, they can read them if they want. It’s just not their thing.
I was lucky when I went outside… the timing was perfect. The village church bell began to ring the hour, just at that moment. The air is moist, so the sound travelled, penetrating my inner core.
It’s such a healing sound, that bell. It reminded me of the time at the Buddhist retreat… which in some ways, had been awfully logistically challenging, with the kids… but it was the place I felt most at home… and most well. There are many, many likeminded people out there.
No, we are never truly alone. Thanks for all the reminders.
Hugs and gratitude, for all you do.
I’m still here thanks in large part to you.
p.s. I had the months wrong on the last two posts, lol… (have corrected them now)… honestly, as I’ve said before, I usually don’t think about length of time at all… just put in numbers when I’m trying to think of what to title these bits and pieces. I’m not sure if I’ll bother with numbers anymore.
Sobriety is just a habit now, that becomes harder to quit as time tracks on.
But if I’d relapsed or slipped, I’m pretty sure I’d be back on this train pretty quick. I’ve done that before… a few times when I was only journalling about it; not publishing online. I’ve said it before and I will say it again… if any of you are on the fence, just start recording your feelings the day after you drink. Start also recording how much you drink. you might be surprised.
Well I said “quick update” and here I am again, way more words than I planned later.
This blog has been like an AA group for me. Thanks for just being there. It’s so very very very awesome for me, that you are. The farthest I’d made it without this blog was about 4.5 months. So you’re helping me lots. You’re always in my mind, whenever I consider taking a sip; that’s why. So thanks again for being there, when I was honest about it. You’re amazing.
Whatever happened or whatever happens in your own life or lives, today might be good day to start fresh. (If not, there’s sometimes tomorrow. :)) Please be as amazing to yourself as you have been to me… or as you would be to your dearest friend.
Or talk to a Tree. The trees are always completely accepting of you, exactly as you are. They give the most amazing answers, too… short and sweet.