Notes from near the tree

22:30. Short update… I did not drink. Thanks to the people who supported that last post, via likes and comments. It massively helped.

I had a quiet day and I hardly did anything, tbh. The only thing I can take credit for in the household today is mending one shirt and making dinner.

At lunch (which my husband ended up making — it’s ascension day, a holiday in much of Europe, so he’s off work), and after writing that post, which was absolutely the best thing I could have done… I told the same thing to my husband; i.e. that I nearly poured myself a glass of wine when I saw the bottle on the counter. That was helpful for me too. Even if it changes nothing else, it just helps to say it out loud. He listened and it was cool.

This is my normal way of operating. I’m a confessionalist by nature it would seem… which at times I find to be a weakness in myself… but I’m becoming okay with it, since it also seems to serve me well.

Today it certainly did. Thanks also to your responses.

I drank about three wine-glasses of diet cola at lunch, which is not normal for me (I don’t usually drink that much lol) but I enjoyed every sip, as well as the amazing weather. We ate lunch outside and it was peaceful. Partly because I was not drinking (alcohol), I’d say.

In the evening, just before coming here to write, I stepped outside.

The night is beautiful, warm and balmy, dim but not dark; the crickets were chirping. I stood under the tree, and remembered my feelings when I first started this blog.

I was writing to one imagined person back then. Once person maybe a bit like me, kind of on the fence about things. It felt good and it felt cosy.  That’s also what I did when I wrote that last post, which also felt good.

I love my family, but their interests mostly differ from mine, which is fine. Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging, because it’s become like an addiction, and I often want to quit… but for now I continue to allow myself to have both (family life and blogging life). They have all the links, they can read them if they want. It’s just not their thing.

I was lucky when I went outside… the timing was perfect. The village church bell began to ring the hour, just at that moment. The air is moist, so the sound travelled, penetrating my inner core.

It’s such a healing sound, that bell. It reminded me of the time at the Buddhist retreat… which in some ways, had been awfully logistically challenging, with the kids… but it was the place I felt most at home… and most well. There are many, many likeminded people out there.

No, we are never truly alone. Thanks for all the reminders.

Hugs and gratitude, for all you do.

I’m still here thanks in large part to you.

xoxox nadine/stl

***

p.s. I had the months wrong on the last two posts, lol… (have corrected them now)… honestly, as I’ve said before, I usually don’t think about length of time at all… just put in numbers when I’m trying to think of what to title these bits and pieces. I’m not sure if I’ll bother with numbers anymore.

Sobriety is just a habit now, that becomes harder to quit as time tracks on.

But if I’d relapsed or slipped, I’m pretty sure I’d be back on this train pretty quick. I’ve done that before… a few times when I was only journalling about it; not publishing online. I’ve said it before and I will say it again… if any of you are on the fence, just start recording your feelings the day after you drink. Start also recording how much you drink. you might be surprised.

Well I said “quick update” and here I am again, way more words than I planned later.

This blog has been like an AA group for me. Thanks for just being there. It’s so very very very awesome for me, that you are. The farthest I’d made it without this blog was about 4.5 months. So you’re helping me lots. You’re always in my mind, whenever I consider taking a sip; that’s why. So thanks again for being there, when I was honest about it. You’re amazing.

Whatever happened or whatever happens in your own life or lives, today might be good day to start fresh. (If not, there’s sometimes tomorrow. :))  Please be as amazing to yourself as you have been to me… or as you would be to your dearest friend.

Or talk to a Tree. The trees are always completely accepting of you, exactly as you are. They give the most amazing answers,  too… short and sweet.

xoxoxo

30 thoughts on “Notes from near the tree

    1. Thank you… and yes, that’s a huge part of why I’m still doing it… because I believe in the power of sharing stories. Thanks again, so much. :)) xoxo

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    1. Thank you Ms. New. ❤️ Sometimes I feel very jealous of those in the city, with easy access to resources (cultural, work, social and otherwise), but we chose to live here for the positive aspects, and the nature is the main one. Thanks so very much for your kind words… they mean a lot. xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  1. And having a drink isn’t a crisis. It’s just a choice. You just need to remember why you made this choice in the first place. There, I’m done trying to be supportive. It’s not really in my nature.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol!!!! I love your nature. It cracks me up. I’m also happy you mention this (bout having a drink not being a crisis) here, for others who might be reading. I feel the same way.

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  2. I’m so proud of you! I love to picture you (even though I don’t know what you look like 😊) talking to your tree, in the beautiful French countryside. I think we all derive a tremendous amount of support from each other in this community…it’s AA for writers, who would rather write their words rather than say them 😘👍🏻. Very thankful for you and the rest of this community. Together we are strong. ❤️

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      1. wow..cool..i never saw that pic…you look so young….very pretty too and i LOVE that tree. Its so great that you have it and i agree about this being a sort of AA..it sure is for me! Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. thank you Lovie!!! Sweetest compliments ever. I’m tempted to admit it’s a “good from far, far from good” kind of sitch, but then I’m trying to be kinder to myself? lol. The tree is in fact amazing. So grateful for the peeps who planted it and cared for it… a hundred and some-odd years ago. Sincere thanks, and hugs back 🤗🥰👯‍♂️💛

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  3. Bravo! So proud of you! Keep writing.
    What a beautiful night you have described. Blogging life does seem to infringe on family life but it is what keeps us sane. I too am struggling to find a balance.
    Much love. xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s so helpful and lovely when someone admits to their own struggles with something… very courageous and heartening at the same time. Thank you Punam, I appreciate it, and your support, so much. As you know, I love your poetry as well. Much love to you too. xoxoxo

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  4. I’m so happy to read this this morning! 😄 Not particularly because you didn’t drink Nadine but because you sound so much better in yourself, more peaceful, more at ease and I guess that is because you didn’t drink – imagine the post if you had? You know what this got me thinking – you’re a woman in a family of men and you are going to have different interests and want to do different things sometimes -( is that sexist of me or just true?) I Love C totally but I am craving female company at the moment. Don’t be hard on yourself for sometimes needing or wanting something different than what your family gives you – it’s ok and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with any of you. I hope you have a beautiful day today my sweet sober sister soul mate! 💞💞💞💞

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you dear L… you’ve definitely got the vibes right. In your email yesterady, and now, as well. 🙏💛 And after this post, I slept better than I had in ages, and woke up in a less frazzled state of mind than I had in ages… partly because I didn’t drink… and partly through reconnecting with some inner purpose, I think… blogging here at the potential tipping point enormously unburdened my spirit. I felt released as soon as I had published that first post. But that’s because of my soul’s attachment to the sober community… with wonderful folks in it, like you. Much, much love to you, and so much thanks, again. Thanks for being a super kind friend. 👯‍♂️💞💞💞☀️

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I am a day late and a dollar short for an encouraging comment! Love you reached out and all the comments are just so sweet and perfect! ( Just like you! ) 🌺 Hope you are smiling and having a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jackie, you are never late… never. You’re one of the most wonderful peeps around here; supportive to so many. I’m super grateful for you… and thanks, I am having a great day. Part thanks to you… whether you had left this comment or not. You’re an ever-present kindred spirit in my head, dear gal! ;)) 👯‍♂️🌸🌻😇💕🙏Hope you are well. xoxoxox

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  6. Such a lovely post to read and I’m sensing you feel in a much better place. Sending you love. Keep hugging that tree. You are a wonderful person Nadine and don’t you forget it! 😘 😘 xxx

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  7. You are awesome Nadine!
    You are doing all the right things to stay sober. You are not alone. It happens to me.
    That voice in my head that tells me to drink is lying. False promises, lies, and fantasies. All I have to do is think back to my last debauchery with alcohol and I can see the lies, deception, and fantasy that little alcoholic voice in my head tells me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, and a few times I had the lid off the bottle ready to drink before I overcame the thought.
    Keep the faith my friend. Keep the faith.
    Bryan

    Liked by 1 person

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