13:05. I am here because I very, very nearly took a drink. Just a few minutes ago. I’m going to be honest… I don’t know if I can do this thing anymore.
It didn’t even cross my mind, until I saw a(nother) half-drunk bottle of wine on the counter. It was a good bottle, a nice bottle, a slim bottle, much like the last bottle I ever drank. (I’d been on a self-editing bender and having a great old time. But the next day I knew I wanted no more wine.)
I have to remember that time!
Just now, today… it was the timing. It was pre-lunch (aperitif time in France), and the sun is shining. My awesome, amazing-beyond-all-belief (as would confirm anyone who knows him) husband is outside laughing and chatting with the boys. And what am I doing? Hiding out up here. I can’t even explain the guilt of not being more “into it.”
I don’t know if it’s worth it.
I had the bottle in my hands, I literally kissed it, that’s how much it called to me… to just feel once again relaxed, with my own family.
Memories of good times and old friends, and I am so so so sick of feeling alone… and knowing it’s some critical inner flaw I can’t seem to throw.
The only thing that stopped me was the thought of letting you down. That is the only. Thing.
I’m just going to be honest. I don’t know if I can do this thing.
Like I said, I don’t know if it’s worth it.
I’m not being uplifting and I know it. I’m just being honest.
Is my life really better?
I was not a terrible alcoholic. No one even understood why I was quitting. In many ways I was higher-functioning than I am now. I don’t know if I set a great example for the sober community.
Now all I do is read and write… in between household tasks. It doesn’t seem right.
I don’t know what I will do.
I’m really sorry if reading this hurts you.
What ever path you’re on… the only one who can decide what’s right… is you.
But thanks for all the listening you do.
I would not be wherever I am today, if it hadn’t been for you.
I do not regret one bit of it. And I promise that I will do this thing… for at least one more minute.
Thank you also for your comments on the last post. I appreciate every one of them even though I haven’t replied to all of them. They mean a huge, huge lot.
Title corrected (and… last post also). It is 13 months and 25-ish days… not 14 months. How the heck did I go from 13 months to 14 months in my titles? Maybe I just need to give up counting. 😂