13+25 – sunny with rosé-tinted glasses…

13:05. I am here because I very, very nearly took a drink. Just a few minutes ago. I’m going to be honest… I don’t know if I can do this thing anymore.

It didn’t even cross my mind, until I saw a(nother) half-drunk bottle of wine on the counter. It was a good bottle, a nice bottle, a slim bottle, much like the last bottle I ever drank. (I’d been on a self-editing bender and having a great old time. But the next day I knew I wanted no more wine.)

I have to remember that time!

Just now, today… it was the timing. It was pre-lunch (aperitif time in France), and the sun is shining. My awesome, amazing-beyond-all-belief (as would confirm anyone who knows him) husband is outside laughing and chatting with the boys. And what am I doing? Hiding out up here. I can’t even explain the guilt of not being more “into it.”

I don’t know if it’s worth it.

I had the bottle in my hands, I literally kissed it, that’s how much it called to me… to just feel once again relaxed, with my own family.

Memories of good times and old friends, and I am so so so sick of feeling alone… and knowing it’s some critical inner flaw I can’t seem to throw.

The only thing that stopped me was the thought of letting you down. That is the only. Thing.

I’m just going to be honest. I don’t know if I can do this thing.

Like I said, I don’t know if it’s worth it.

I’m not being uplifting and I know it. I’m just being honest.

Is my life really better?

I was not a terrible alcoholic. No one even understood why I was quitting. In many ways I was higher-functioning than I am now. I don’t know if I set a great example for the sober community.

Now all I do is read and write… in between household tasks. It doesn’t seem right.

I don’t know what I will do.

I’m really sorry if reading this hurts you.

What ever path you’re on… the only one who can decide what’s right… is you.

But thanks for all the listening you do.

I would not be wherever I am today, if it hadn’t been for you.

I do not regret one bit of it. And I promise that I will do this thing… for at least one more minute.

.

Thank you also for your comments on the last post. I appreciate every one of them even though I haven’t replied to all of them. They mean a huge, huge lot.

.

+++

Title corrected (and… last post also). It is 13 months and 25-ish days… not 14 months. How the heck did I go from 13 months to 14 months in my titles?  Maybe I just need to give up counting.  😂

23 thoughts on “13+25 – sunny with rosé-tinted glasses…

  1. Nadine ❤ Just like msnewleaf: on the contrary, thank you for sharing this! I can relate SO MUCH. Similar thoughts cross my mind regularly, and I know exactly what sunny French aperitif time looks, sounds, and feels like 🙂 As Dwight says, you are perfect and unconditionally loved ❤ and I would add, no matter what you to, it's all ok 🙂 Buddhism changed my life because it keeps reminding us again and again of the fundamental goodness in ALL things 🙂 xxxx giant hugs ❤ (lol my computer wanted to say bugs^^) xxx Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your amazing email, L. Just read it, and it brought a tear to my eye, and I feel very hugged indeed. So very grateful. Thank you. I really, really appreciate it. 🙏🙏💞

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like you are wrestling with many thoughts, my friend. As do we all. I feel a special kinship with you because our sobriety dates are so close. Feelings are real! One thing especially caught my attention though, and that’s when you said you were tired of feeling alone. I feel like those thoughts are so common and that they are the mind trying to self-sabotage what we know at the core of our being to be false. You are loved, treasured and an integral part of your family. And alcohol isn’t going to make you feel not alone (or if it does temporarily, it will bring an even more powerful emptiness with it in the morning). Sending love and reminding you to hold onto and fight for what you know to be true. Xx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. People who love you notice.
    Those boys notice. And every day your dull with booze is one you cannot get back.
    It is a truth I have come to terms with, but I don’t want to underplay just how negatively drinking paints regular life.

    I was also high functioning and successful. But too much time was spent holding those parts together.

    Go down and sit with them you don’t need to do anything more.

    Hugs, stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Anne. I was thinking much the same kind of thing today… about people who care. I also love that you said this: “Go down and sit with them you don’t need to do anything more.” That is such great advice… and happily, that’s pretty much what I did after posting.

      Thanks for being such an amazing support to the newer online sobriety community. You make a big difference. And thanks for the hugs, stillness and peace. :))
      xo Nadine

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Nadine. I can only echo what others have said and the comment I made on Leafy’s post. We are always here for you and we support you no matter what. No one would sit in judgement as we all understand. I particularly ‘get’ the separating yourself from others and feeling alone. I know I am nit the same person without alcohol and I know it means I don’t feel as at ease socially as I once did. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling for me when I used to thrive on company and be entirely relaxed with it. For me though I’d rather be sitting alone and writing or reading if that is where I should be. Alcohol gave me a false sense of security and less awareness. That brings confidence sure but it also stops intuition and, once one glass quickly became one bottle, inhibitions. For me this would often end in regret, anxiety and guilt. If this is how you are when sober then that’s fine. You are perfect and true. Your husband and boys love you whether you drink or you don’t. The important thing here is loving yourself and you, lovely Nadine, are your own worst critic. Keep talking to us. Take strength from your sober community and share how things are going.
    Much love and hugs Claire xx 😘 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you lovely Claire for the amazing support. The community is very, very lucky to have you. I deeply appreciate you and your kind words. Love and hugs back, and thanks again. 🤗❤️xoxo n

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your words mirror my thoughts completely. I never got drunk, why quit? Oh, right, I was obsessed with alcohol. Only you can say if alcohol is right for you, but whatever you’re feeling now isn’t going to change by drinking. You’re working through something and it will still be there with wine. Yes, you will numb it, but it will still be there in the morning. You can’t drink all the time. Oh wait, you said people in France drink before lunch !?! Maybe you can drink all the time. I agree with ditching the count. I think it give the alcohol power. I was too frazzled to remember when I quit, so I never had a date. I think that was healthy for me. Now, some random time, mid-January I’ll think ‘hey, another year’ but I can’t remember how many years any more, and I’m not going to go back and read my blog to find out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is so awesome. From start to finish. You and I have the same slight OCD thing going on so I know you get it. That was my issue too… I became obsessed with wine, even if I seemed a moderate drinker to most. I agree with all that you said… and as usual, it’s super helpful to hear it from you. Thanks Jeff. xoxo

      Like

  6. “I’m not being uplifting and I know it. I’m just being honest. “

    Actually, your honest is uplifting. It’s rare and cherished, as are you. You are an amazing and inspirational person, and will be to me, rain, sun, snow no matter what xxx 🐻🌈☀️🌧❄️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.