16:00. I have to leave here in 15 minutes. Let’s see if I can write a 15-minute blog post and not regret it afterwards. Of course! Anything is possible.
I feel a lot of regret about publishing that last post… as well as one before that (now hidden — one in which I thought a fellow blogger had disappeared who hadn’t (some of you have read it, and thanks for your comments) and in which I failed to mention two bloggers who *have* disappeared — having completely deleted their blogs. (If you are reading this, I miss both of you and hope you are well. I know you might just be happier and healthier offline, and I send you all my good wishes and a lot of love.)
But, perhaps nothing fixes a mistake better than moving forward from it, and I have to first of all just say thanks to those of you who commented so kindly. I know it can be hard to know how to support that kind of thing, and you really pulled through (as usual :)). So thank you!!
I’m happy to say that drinking urges have passed for the moment. As many have said in various ways before, it’s truly about removing the rosé-tinted goggles when viewing our past drinking times. Mostly, I remind myself that I feel happy about the fact that whatever minor mistakes I continue to make in my life are now made in an aware-as-possible state of mind.
I have to work on the positive self-thinking. My parents both beat themselves up continuously over small things and as a kid I learned to imitate them. I also want to work on improving my language cleanliness.
My husband doesn’t swear at all (even though his mom had a trucker’s vocabulary, like me), and neither of my parents swore much. But when I was a teen I involved myself in a wild crowd and happily picked up every curse word in the book. It was my way of fitting in and actively combatting the good-girl image I’d carried all through my earlier years. I don’t swear much around the kids, but sometimes I like to let loose in my writing.
I’m not sure where I’ll go with that… but if I continue to progress on the five mindfulness trainings, it will mean cleaning up my language, and speaking more carefully and/or positively about situations in general. We’ll see. (Again. ;))
The crazy thing is I have studied this in books, courses, etcetera for more than a quarter-century (!!), but haven’t yet managed to make a consistent practice of it. It’s a choice we have to make… the choice to practice what we believe in.
Thanks for reading, thanks for writing. Sending love.
14 months + 23-ish days of sustained sobriety. [EDIT 2020-05-21: Ummm, 13 months!!! not 14 months. My gods. I actually never ever think about the number of days unless I come here to write, and then am at loss for a title… lol.]
Finishing 7 minutes late!!!