15:26. Or perhaps totes.
I sometimes feel like everything I do has no good in it. Though it’s all born of good intentions, my actions also always half selfish of course. (I don’t believe it altruism — every good act has its inherent feel-good rewards.) Does that nullify said actions? In my darker moments I definitely think so. I call myself awful names in my head (and sometimes even out loud) and I spiral down from there. Which, guess what, is good for a momentary reality check, i.e. for keeping one humble… but ultimately makes me useless.
Lately during this quarantine and having passed my one-year mark (which was a good mark to make, either way, in all honesty — since it’s a significant chunk of time, bringing me a stockpile of sober momentum to hang on to)… I more and more catch myself returning to passing thoughts of “yeah maybe now I’ve done that, I can just relax and have fun again.” People talk about needing a sober reset… I can’t remember where I read this but there’s an idea that sometimes we just need a reset and then we can drink normally after that.
Whether or not that’s true for others, I know in my heart it’s not the case for me, right now at least. I like the idea of drinking… very much. I know that just the fact that I pre-think drinking means I still like it *too* much.
the other night I was watching Lucifer with my husband and eldest son — it’s their favourite show right now. Contrary to the cover image on Netflix, it’s not as horrifying as it initially looked by a long shot. In fact, I’m becoming quite addicted… it’s got a copacetic philosophy. The god character is not portrayed as entirely good, and Lucifer is certainly not portrayed as entirely evil. Far from it.
Anyhow, my hubs was having a few, and watching the characters interact at Luxe (the devil’s bar), and remembering good times. And he said, wistfully, as I came to join them with my glass of diet cola, “So is this non-drinking thing forever… or do you think you’re going to let loose a little.” Something to that effect.
I should mention, he and I actually met in a bar. Romantic eh? Actually, it was, and it took a year before we even kissed (not normal for me, believe me. I was a right kissing ho back then — but both he and I were used to others making the first moves). But yes we have a lot of very old memories, mostly very good ones, entwined with drinking events.
When we finally did get together, that was it, joined at the hip. But he moved 1600 km south, for an awesome paying job… and though it worked at first, the long-distance thing, at some point some other guy kissed me and I really liked him. I also didn’t feel ready for the whole life-long commitment thing, which is where my then-future hubs was heading. I really just wanted to continue to party, “study” (I was still in university, pubbing my way through a Linguistics/TESL degree — for me, the easiest option to pass *without* much studying), work (at a beer and wine store!) and be free.
I felt horrible about having kiss-cheated, and I came clean right away. Of course he was heartbroken, but at least I’d told the truth… so, wonderful guy that he was and still is, he wanted our relationship to persist anyway. But soon after that, I broke up with my then-future hubs… on Valentine’s day (though I did not plan it that way….)
Three years (and three boyfriends) later, I came to my senses and we got back together. But he has (understandably) never forgotten this screw-up of mine.
While we were watching Lucifer, there was this scene with Maze in it. She is one of the main characters and technically a soulless demon. He jokingly (in front of our son) compared me to her. Bringing up the Valentine’s day thing as example.
I really felt pissed about that. Maze has her merits, but she’s a vindictive killer, the main torturer in hell and has little compassion for anyone in most situations. And though some of my worst anonymous blog-trolls have compared me to being exactly that kind of character as well (they’ve dedicated whole websites to this topic), I’ll have you know that I still allow them to suck my blood, and I’ve even advocated for mosquito rights. So yeah, but No. I might have my faults, but I’m not heartless, without compassion, nor technically soulless.
Of all characters!
Meanwhile I’d just been comparing him (also in front of our son) to Pierce (head detective — righteous and good).
Dude, it’s not right. And it’s sure as fuck not romantic.
Anyways, I’m running out of time here so I’ll finish with the punchline.
So after that, and while he’s drinking the beers I bought him on the last grocery run (his favourite kind; I’m such an enabler), and asking me if/when I’m ever going to drink again, the first thing out of my mouth was:
“I wasn’t planning on it, but who knows; there’s this demon that keeps tempting me.” 😁
I was of course referring to the demon alcohol. As my son well knew –since for a while I’d been watching Disenchanted with the kids. So he laughed immediately. I love how that kid laughs at all my booze-related jokes.
And I stayed sober that one more day. Though my hubs, bless his beautiful mostly-kind heart, didn’t think it was very funny.
Oh right, no I can’t end it there. I had a point! And the point was this…
The next day, my poor hubs was a wee bit hungover. And he admitted he might have drunk too much…
and then I passed by the neighbours’ house — my favourite French drinking buddies, the awesome and fun-loving and hard-working ones I miss so much — on the way for more groceries, and chatted over the fence. Guess what? “On fait maintenant plus comme toi, Nadine… (we now do more like you…) on a arrêté l’alcool (we’ve stopped drinking).
I wish I could round this off neatly but have to run.
Anyhoo, chin up, and carry on, carry on. The race is only together won.
Edit 17:56 (added post publish)…
my point was supposed to be this: if you feel you are not really adding to the conversation, if you feel like a failure nearly every day, like I so often do (including after posting this post, anxiously ruminating, as you go about your timely tasks, cringing about every potential blurting/misunderstood misstep in the recent past)… I dunno. I think that maybe you might make some difference… and change is slow.
[Edit (post comment-chat with msnewleaf ;)): title word changed from “maybes” to “Maze”] [and then changed back again. gads.]