07:24. I am not doing well in my head. I was riding some cosmic wave for a while there and it’s recently plummeted. I can’t seem to get anything right… one thing I’ve learned is the harder I try, the harder I fail. The temptation is to stop trying. I read and comment on a ton of blogs. Probably 50 to 100 per day. Nine times out of ten it’s from a sense of gratitude, and as a way of reciprocating, to those who have liked my posts, across various platforms.
Other times it’s simply a way of holding myself accountable for what I view online – and also responding honesty to someone’s content – the way many of us wish to be responded to, ourselves.
But with the exception of a handful of mutual and trusted blog-friendships, I don’t think it serves as much energy as it takes from me. Possibly much of the time it actually *drains* energy from the person I’m trying to support.
08:20. I have deleted the rest of the above post. I can’t express the pain I’m currently feeling, in a way that won’t bring more backlash.
Yes, coronavirus sucks. Yes, I’m afraid the human world is imploding. I’m a conspiracy theorist and always have been (thanks, Dad ;)). I’m afraid for everyone’s lives and everyone’s freedoms, most of all those of our kids (and all kids!), in the future. But still, as my dad also would say, we must persist, anyway.
I don’t think too much about the conspiracy theories, anymore. I’m aware of the possibilities, and my imagination has always been wild, and my intuition pretty keen, and if, like me, you’ve read books like Orwell’s 1984, and Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and Oryx And Crake, you can easily see what the future could look like from here, in a dystopian outcome.
But it’s that old adage from the famous serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Blogging these days is a difficult task, if you aim to please. You can’t please everyone. I aim to going back to pleasing two people – myself and “muse.”
The muse, here, and on any blog I’ve made, being the first imaginary person I ever intended to reach, when I first hit publish – someone much like me.
I believe in creativity. I believe in honesty. I believe in love. I believe in hope. I believe in focussing on the flowers. I believe in “you do you, I’ll do me.” Live and let live. But I get it wrong a lot…. as many of you know. ;)) I also believe it’s important to constantly forgive.
When I was a kid in elementary school, a teacher asked the class what were our worst and best qualities, as a person. We each had to speak in front of the class, with no preparation. My cheeks burning from being the center of attention, for that one minute, all eyes on me. I said the first things that came to mind. I don’t know what I said regarding my worst qualities – I had too many to choose from. But I do remember what I said my best quality was: “I don’t hold a grudge.”
The popular kids laughed and made fun of me. I guess it was a stupid thing to say. It’s not really positive except in a backwards way. But it was the truth; and though I can understand why they laughed, I still remember the shame I felt, that day.
Thank you for being so awesome. Some of you are like temporal saviours, with your golden-blue stars, as part of this cosmic web. I appreciate all that you are.
11 months +27 days of sustained sobriety, 7.5 days of the digital whosit thing. Definitely did cross my mind that a few glasses of vino would be a nice escape, yesterday. But we can let go of thoughts after giving them a brief hug, as they pass by. So for yet another day, I’ve stayed alcoholically “dry.” :)) 🎉🌱