Blogging and post-social anxiety

07:24. I am not doing well in my head. I was riding some cosmic wave for a while there and it’s recently plummeted. I can’t seem to get anything right… one thing I’ve learned is the harder I try, the harder I fail. The temptation is to stop trying. I read and comment on a ton of blogs. Probably 50 to 100 per day.  Nine times out of ten it’s from a sense of gratitude, and as a way of reciprocating, to those who have liked my posts, across various platforms.

Other times it’s simply a way of holding myself accountable for what I view online – and also responding honesty to someone’s content – the way many of us wish to be responded to, ourselves.

But with the exception of a handful of mutual and trusted blog-friendships, I don’t think it serves as much energy as it takes from me. Possibly much of the time it actually *drains* energy from the person I’m trying to support.

08:20. I have deleted the rest of the above post. I can’t express the pain I’m currently feeling, in a way that won’t bring more backlash.

Yes, coronavirus sucks. Yes, I’m afraid the human world is imploding. I’m a conspiracy theorist and always have been (thanks, Dad ;)). I’m afraid for everyone’s lives and everyone’s freedoms, most of all those of our kids (and all kids!), in the future. But still, as my dad also would say, we must persist, anyway.

I don’t think too much about the conspiracy theories, anymore. I’m aware of the possibilities, and my imagination has always been wild, and my intuition pretty keen, and if, like me, you’ve read books like Orwell’s 1984, and Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and Oryx And Crake, you can easily see what the future could look like from here, in a dystopian outcome.

But it’s that old adage from the famous serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Blogging these days is a difficult task, if you aim to please. You can’t please everyone. I aim to going back to pleasing two people – myself and “muse.”

The muse, here, and on any blog I’ve made, being the first imaginary person I ever intended to reach, when I first hit publish – someone much like me.

I believe in creativity. I believe in honesty. I believe in love. I believe in hope. I believe in focussing on the flowers. I believe in “you do you, I’ll do me.” Live and let live. But I get it wrong a lot…. as many of you know. ;)) I also believe it’s important to constantly forgive.

When I was a kid in elementary school, a teacher asked the class what were our worst and best qualities, as a person. We each had to speak in front of the class, with no preparation. My cheeks burning from being the center of attention, for that one minute, all eyes on me. I said the first things that came to mind. I don’t know what I said regarding my worst qualities – I had too many to choose from. But I do remember what I said my best quality was: “I don’t hold a grudge.”

The popular kids laughed and made fun of me. I guess it was a stupid thing to say. It’s not really positive except in a backwards way. But it was the truth; and though I can understand why they laughed, I still remember the shame I felt, that day.

Thank you for being so awesome. Some of you are like temporal saviours, with your golden-blue stars, as part of this cosmic web. I appreciate all that you are.

xo n/stl

***

11 months +27 days of sustained sobriety, 7.5 days of the digital whosit thing. Definitely did cross my mind that a few glasses of vino would be a nice escape, yesterday. But we can let go of thoughts after giving them a brief hug, as they pass by. So for yet another day, I’ve stayed alcoholically “dry.” :))  🎉🌱

 

15 thoughts on “Blogging and post-social anxiety

    1. I love this comment Wendy, thank you… I honestly feel the same. I guess it’s the healthiest (and who knows, maybe most globally helpful, with any luck! ;)) addiction I’ve ever had.
      You’re always a kind star in the blogiverse; so very happy that you are here. Also, I’m ever amazed by how you and Mr. UT are the cutest fashionable, healthy, outdoorsy and inspiring couple, over on your own blog. 💃🏼🕺🌿❣️
      Thanks for the hugs, I am sending some back.
      🤗🤗🤗💓💞💗

      Liked by 2 people

  1. i think it is tough right now to express many things. there are SO many issues and i try to remember that you cannot please everyone. I can be very positive as well as very cynical.I hate that i am both rebellious as well as have the deep need to be “liked” as well. However, usually truth wins out . I can be no one other than who i am.My feelings will not always be acceptable to everyone. But i also have to say that many times my truth can change form day to day as i consider various perspectives. Key thing really is to stay open minded. so many knee jerk reactions out there and that is to be expected.But, staying calm in the storm, carrying on and being the best person you can be from moment to moment is the only way to survive. Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “I can be very positive as well as very cynical. I hate that i am both rebellious as well as have the deep need to be “liked” as well.” – I think you and I are much the same in many ways.

      You set a great example on your blog of just saying it like you feel it and think it. We need as many voices as possible, and the best thing is you’re also so supportive of so many others. Thank you so much for that, Lovie, I know it takes energy. I feel lucky you came across my blog. Namaste indeed! 🤗💞🙏🌱🌷🔆

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nadine, I veer between wanting to give you a friendly hug( well that’s out anyway now) or a damn good talking to! Why oh why do the lovely people in this world like you doubt themselves so much when the shit ones stride around believing they are wonderful. Take that thing you said in your class, “I don’t bear a grudge,” wow. Turn that around and essentially you’re saying you always find a way to forgive. That is an amazing quality. No, let’s go further. If people genuinely dropped their individual and collective grudges we would end wars, children would grow up secure despite their parents divorcing, there would be less anger and resentment in the world. You should be so proud of yourself for possessing that quality at such a young age and for expressing it. Just because you’re in a minority doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I know I voted to stay in the EU. Still I’ll take a lesson from you and let go of that grudge. Keep writing Nadine, yours is an important voice on here.
    Jim x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwww Jim! What a delight to find this comment! Teary eyes. Perfect just at sleepy time here. I hardly know what to say… except…. thank you. Times about one hundred. I just want to savour and savour this comment… it’s so kind. But also wise… you’ve said things that I couldn’t have expressed the same quintessential Jim-like way, which apply to the entire world today. Hugs, and thanks for helping save my blogiphorical a## from withering away. 🤗🙏 xoxoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Awww they picked on you for your not holding a grudge answer? It’s so sweet! It’s not a stupid thing to say at all, I bet most of their answers were superficial or fake. I wish I was there to give them a piece of my mind! ( Ooops my redhead temperment came out. I’m either cool and calm or seeing red! LOL LOL LOL )
    I hate mean girls. I moved schools in 7th grade and was super shy. I opened up my locker one day and there was a note that said “You can stick your red hair in your red ass.” I had no idea how I could have upset anyone. I was a shy nervous Nelly. I remember being very sad. Tell those girls that made fun of you to Eff off, even right now at our age. Just saying it makes me feel better due to I am stronger and I mean it. I couldn’t have said it back then and made a difference within myself.
    Don’t ever doubt yourself because we really need more of you in this world! I’m so glad you’re here. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
    ps-Hopefully my advice isn’t too crazy! LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jackie… you’re always so generous in your comments. I love your redheadedness, I used to be one-ish too. But not nearly as red and lovely as you. Kids can say the most awful, awful things sometimes, especially in 7th grade!!!! School can be brutal. But as Glennon Doyle would say, brutiful, too. And your brutal school helped make beautiful you…. and for that I am crazy-happy glad. You’re such massive support around sobriety WP, do I keep saying that? If I do, it’s because it’s true. So….. thank you!!! Your words mean more than I can say. And I hope your awesome self you’ll always stay. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo 😘👩🏻‍🦰🧡🤗

      Like

  4. I myself had to stop myself from writing to please everyone. I had to remind myself that, at the end of the day, I started my blog for myself.
    Also, I think not holding a grudge is such a rare quality. Such a good answer. Screw all the popular kids!

    Like

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