18:27. We are okay… we don’t have to continue old threads… we can begin anew, every day, every hour, every minute, every second…
The day was off and on raining today. Sheets of it, pouring down, just as I take the kids to the lake… a new lake, a different lake today… I leave the two younger ones to thrash it out at the play-park (I can see them, from all the way around the lake). Thank gods they are both “mature” enough for that now… I couldn’t have borne to have them wrestling the entire trail. Not today.
The eldest was dropped off at a friend’s place. The second-eldest came walking with me and we had a swearing contest (he doesn’t like to be separated from his tech). I’m not kidding.
Well I am. A little. He argued and argued and I laughed and laughed until I cried from laughing (truly, I was in a good mood), and the rain poured down suddenly and we ran, and pushed each other on the trail (he’s taller than me now), jumping over puddles and gawking at “Sauron’s hand” (a huge, stumpy, five-fingered tree he named)…
and finally, finally I’d done it, I’d gotten us all off our screens for two hours (it is holidays time here). Believe me, it was like herding cats… but so worth it in the end.
Then came the sun, and a giant, huge, double rainbow. Overarching the entire end of the lake. With my son under it.
I’ve written beginnings of several posts here… but never finished them. I’ve felt blocked, like I have so many responsibilities, and I don’t know how to fulfill them in any way that is enough. Publishing something meaningful on this blog sometimes feels like one of them. “What do I have to say that’s positive?” I’ll think. “How do I tell the truth?”
Sobriety’s not always fun. I actually caught myself wanting a drink so badly, the other day — I felt like shit, I saw my husband drinking a glass of vino, suddenly so relaxed, and I too longed to “take the edge off.” (Please don’t get me wrong. He’s become very supportive. I wrote half of a not-yet-published post about that. ;))
I’m not a “high achiever” anymore (if I ever truly was one). I’m not a good multi-tasker anymore. I’m not really accomplishing anything that seems important from the outside world view.
My cousin called the other day, and it felt like she was picking at the way I did things. It churned up a lot of resentment inside me. I realized that’s not much due to her, but more due to my poor communication skills, and my interpretation of the way she interacts with me, because I take things personally. Still. And because I have low self-esteem. Still.
My European cousins are a bunch of tall, thin, tanned and beautiful nordic freaks with incredible careers and magazine-style lives. I adore them all most of the time, but when I stand next to them I feel like a short freckled ogre with no life skills. (Of course, with a perfect Princess Fiona inside. ;))
But guess what? Life isn’t all about careers and fancy houses and Instagram-worthy this or that. I remember that old quote, “people won’t remember what you did or said, they’ll remember how you made them feel.”
I really try to make my kids feel loved… even if I’m not a perfect mom all the time.
And I think that’s also why I love this community so much. There’s a lot of good feels going around.
Thanks for being so awesome. Maybe we sober ogres are all on Team Shrek. Layers people, layers. Maybe it’s going to take a while to get to the true gold within.
I’m still partying sober. 🥳
Much love, xoxoxo n
10 months, 29 days alcohol-free.
p.s. Claire just made it to 100 days! Her post kind of says it all, what sobriety is like, that is. So just head on over there to read all about it, if you haven’t already.
2020-02-25: Made blog private, shortly after publishing this post.