10+24 – let’s talk about god

11:59. So last night I was a total wretch and I just couldn’t get out of my own head and I just yearned and yearned for this that and the other thing…

I’d like to make it somehow clear, since this started as a sobriety blog about freedom from alcohol in particular, I don’t actually think, “maybe I’ll have a glass of wine right now.” Those thoughts are long gone for whatever reason. It’s probably not the same for everyone; though if you read the blogs of other sobriety journeyers, I think you’ll notice in general that it does fade, for most of us over time — that driving urge to pour a drink. I just don’t have it at all.

But. I do, lately, often daydream about drinking in the future.

I mean, really often.

Yesterday I felt so alone and sad, and this is not because I’m actually alone or have anything to feel sad about, if we look at my life in general, just like so many of us who have a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear etc… and I live with four other people most of the time and five other people the rest of the time.

But as we all know, we can feel lonely in a crowd.

The people I live with are my responsibility, and/or I am responsible to them. This is by choice.

I always have to remember that. I chose this life, I designed it, it is not the way a fantasy looks, of course — it’s not A Good Year, or A Year in Provence; it’s Ten Mediocre Years in the Middle of France, lol… the reality is we live in a house continually disorganized, rough, under construction, we don’t taste wines and stumble elegantly home from neighbours’ parties… at least, I don’t, anymore, me having been the primary one to do so, in the past…

Case in point.

So I sometimes put on my rosé-tinted glasses of nostalgia, and remember fondly laughing and loud parties with friends, well-fuelled by wine, cigarettes, meat (always a barbecue, in this area), aperitifs, digestifs, etc. etc.

But for some reason, guess what, I was not satisfied back then. Hence where I am now, writing on a sobriety blog.

I don’t plan things. I’m not like, “I think I’ll party my a** off for a bunch of years, then settle down and have kids, then, when they get a bit more self-reliant, start partying my a**  off again; then start a sobriety blog.”

That’s not me. I don’t think it’s many of us.

Alcohol and its lures sneak up on you. It’s a thing that seems wonderful in the present moment, then it grabs hold of the steering wheel of the present moment and careens you straight off-course into the future.

I have seen the future. It’s houserobes and lost slippers and selfishness and obsession with a liquid drug, placing its importance above nearly all else, and it’s throat cancer. At least that’s one image of the future I got to see very up close and personal (via someone else’s life), not long before I decided to try a different path. (Actually, I’m mixing metaphors with reality, here.)

I guess I decided I didn’t want that. It’s so hard for me to remember this.

So, I guess I prayed to god, and god answered, and here came this blog, which I have no idea how to manage properly, and feel like I fail at, all the dang time, because I’m not sober in my head.

I’m drunk as a skunk in my head. I just want to be drunk all the time, drunk on words, drunk on love, drunk on you, drunk on me, drunk as can be.

And I know my life sometimes sucks and I’m so far from perfect it’s nearly insane, quite literally in-sane (un-healthy), meaning, I feel like crap a lot of the time…

But maybe this is the first year of getting more aware. Maybe it’s going to get worse. Maybe it’s going to get better. But I chose this path, I chose it for a reason that is far too easy to forget, and in this moment, I kind of think I was onto something there.

We’ll see how it goes. One day at a time.

***

Crap! Contrary to the title, which I typed in first, this time, I didn’t talk about god. I was going to tell you a story about what happened last night. But I rambled on about something else instead, and now I have to rush out for a bit. Please, god, remind me to try to tell that one later. I have such a bad memory.

In the meantime, fellow sobriety lovers/attempters, before I forget, and if you haven’t already, please read:

Anna – Storm in a Wine Glass – Knitting and Ghost Hunting  (it’s the concise story of how the amazing Anna got, and stayed, sober — I have mentioned her blog a couple of times before, on the very off-chance you don’t know of it already, please check it out)

Dwight – Faded Jeans Living – Follow-up: How I got and stay sober (same thing here, for our lovely Dwight Hyde).

Sending love,

xo n/stl

 

***

10 months, 24 days alcohol-free

34 thoughts on “10+24 – let’s talk about god

  1. I’ve heard from people who still CRAVE a drink every night, well into sobriety. This sounds like Hell to me and I’m not sure what advice to offer them. Like you, I haven’t been tempted to pour a glass (or open a bottle, in my case) in just under two years. Nor would I say I day dream about drinking in the future, however I have noticed the handful of ways in which sobriety has negatively impacted my life (vastly outweighed by the positives, of course).

    I suppose my lamentations are similar to yours in a way. The situations in which I “miss” drinking are those in which I’ve been invited some place at which drinking will be the primary goal of all attendees. Part of me wishes I could “spread the gospel” to them, to show them that they can have a good time without waking up with a hangover, but I know that this is impossible. For normal people, drinking just slightly less than too much will continue to be their idea of a good time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for this comment. This is exactly it. I didn’t get around to the point in this post, I don’t think, but it was that not drinking can feel isolating in the worst of times (I.e. when mindset is off or low). For me, in spite of how much my Inner Intellectual Critic doesn’t want me to realize or talk about this, spirituality fills the void, or provides the social glue, when necessary or desired, that “other crutches” (if we want to reduce spirituality to a crutch) such as alcohol provide for many. The difference is that true spirituality doesn’t damage your physical health, and makes you less selfish instead of more selfish. (In my experience, at least. :)) Thanks again

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  2. Morning, Nadine! Your drinks sneaking up on you/steering wheel reference was spot on! Seems like a decent idea at first but 9 times out of 10 ( well for me anyway ) I never end up where I want to be….in my head that is. I’m not quite where you are with the confidence of not drinking, I still want to when I get stressy but am able to tell myself no.

    I feel connected to you and this post as I am going through something similar and have been for awhile. I think day to day thinking is the best, yet that is hard too. Seems I have a constant battle in my head.

    Well I’m glad we more than half way through this work week. I have been trying to make Saturday nights a Netflix movie night where I eat whatever I want and forget daily life struggles. I hope I don’t start gaining weight! 😂🍕🌮🍟 🍦🍔🍰🍪🍩 I am enjoying those nights so far.

    I just rambled and forgot where I was going with this. 😂 I read Anna’s blog ( awesome ) and followed her, thanks for the recommendation. I already follow Dwight, he’s stuck with me now. 😂

    I sure hope you start feeling better! Keep us updated and try to do little things, even minuscule to make your beautiful self smile! 😍 Xoxoxo

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    1. Dear Jackie, just seeing this now, I keep missing comments somehow, drunk on blogs again! ;)) Anyone here is so lucky to be “stuck with” you. You are such a lovely, supportive person. You’ve helped keep me going. On the treat front, I think we have to treat ourselves sometimes. 🎂🥰❤️🌷You’re comment has been a treat for me, as always; thank you 😘🙏🌿

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      1. Awe, thanks so much! I didn’t even know you missed it! LOL! I am just checking in after work. My phone is super old for a phone so with WP I try to usually wait until I can be home with my regular computer. I can type on that much faster….but not too many fun emoji! You are always so sweet and you made my day with your comment! Plus, yes….I figure any fattening treat is better than alcohol!
        Side note: No school for winter break this week. Um….didn’t we just have Christmas FOREVER break?? LOL! Anyway, I have had 5 teenage girls here since Sunday night. Leaving in a few to take the last home. I’m so glad I checked in here. Feel better because you always make us feel so good about ourselves! ❤

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        1. Thank you Jackie. ❤️I will just quickly answer to your side note, before I head off to sleep: same thing over here. But it’s two weeks!!! Tree help us all. ;))

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  3. Nadiiiine 🙂 “I’m drunk as a skunk in my head. I just want to be drunk all the time, drunk on words, drunk on love, drunk on you, drunk on me, drunk as can be”: to me this just means you are a Poet (that line made me think of Rumi). ❤ Seems to me that as long as you don't careen into that other route you saw and chose not to choose, being drunk on life is OK OK OK OK OK and even perhaps recommended ❤ xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you Anne. Tears and thanks. I was thinking of Rumi when I wrote it. “Give me more wine or leave me alone,” he’s quoted as saying, and the mystics say that by wine he meant spiritual love. As I’m sure you know. ❤️

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  4. I’ve recently discovered at times I’ve been attempting to solely rely on my own strength, when in reality there’s a whole Universe of love ready to align with me. All I needed to say was I Need Help and the universe will respond with love. Surrounding you with Light and Love, Nadine❤️. Thanks for the wonderful mention🤗

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  5. I see you and hear you. It’s the nostalgia of the connection piece, wishing for that feeling of ease and fitting in, even if that’s not how it really was. I (we) chose this path for a reason, sometimes far too easy to forget. Love it.

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  6. Hey Nadine. I wonder if it’s the time of year but a few of us seem to be thinking about whether we’ll ever drink again at some point. Maybe it’s as you create distance between yourself and alcohol you feel less of a pull to it. It seems to have less allure and has loosened its grip. With that comes the thought process of ‘it isn’t important anymore so actually I can take it or leave it now’. Odd how your brain can talk you in and out of anything really. Also odd how the less I crave alcohol in a ‘fuck I want wine now’ way, the more vulnerable I feel about my sobriety and remaining sober’. As if it’s become more risky because I don’t see it as such a demon anymore. But oh it is a demon. I have to remind myself.

    I follow both Dwight and Anna … lovely bloggers both

    Sending love
    Claire xx

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  7. It’s always refreshing and reminding to read something by someone who ‘gets’ the obsessive hold alcohol can have. Like you, I’m beyond the grieving stage (but it took me 3x as long to get past it but I’m a lot older than you), and sometimes I start to forget why I don’t drink. Posts like this put it back in perspective. Of course, I really don’t need to go any farther than my own blog. The whole ugly story is right there. But it seems more real when someone else writes it.

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    1. I feel the same way. It’s these shared stories that help remind us. I rarely make the time to go back and read my old posts, unless some kind reader “likes” it – which does help remind me. More often I read others’ blogs, including yours, which is indeed refreshing, to see that it’s not just me, it’s others that feel this way too. Thanks Jeff

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      1. same..i only wish i had started my recovery blog on here. It is private because when i started i really needed that venting and rambling space where i felt safe.It really helps when i need a reminder. I think now i am finally ready to dig deeper and so far i am just amazed at what i am figuring out and how those things are going to work towards KEEPING me sober.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I think it’s good to do private writing also. I did that for a long time before doing it online. I agree that in private we can vent more and that is important too. I’ve been returning to that more and more – also to writing private prayers/meditations. Loved hearing more about your process, thanks

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  8. A lovely post Nadine – so much resonated – I never think I need/want a drink in recent months but I’ve found myself imaging a glass of champagne at a daughters wedding and the like – and I miss party me sometimes though I’m getting flashes of sober party girl in the right settings. You have every reason to be sad right now – be kind to yourself much love and hugs 💞💞💞

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  9. Nadine,
    Remember that you are a miracle! 10M+24D is a great accomplishment. Keep up the work, it is worth it!

    Some days, I barely manage to just not drink. Other days, this sobriety gig is easy peasy. It’s a trudge on the road of happy destiny!

    A day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, you can survive anything without drinking.

    Bryan

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    1. This is wonderful Bryan, thank you so much. I loved the personal touch. Really great to hear from a long-time practitioner of sobriety. 👌❤️

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  10. You are such a beautiful soul and inspiration. I’ve been a bit WordPress absent, but whenever I read something of yours I find myself reaching out to touch your words, as resonant and beautiful as they are 🌸❤️ xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much dear friend. Have been thinking of you lots. It’s good to be WordPress absent sometimes. But I so much appreciate your momentary presence here. It means a lot. ❤️

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        1. ❤️❤️❤️ as you may be able to tell, some words/scenes from your poem the other day entered my consciousness as I wrote this stream-of-thought piece. (Later I added in the bracketed bits because retreading it post-publish I could see how things could be confused… and I know it’s not the same as the scene in your poem.) Your poem was a masterpiece. ❤️

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          1. Can I ask you a question about that poem. Is it clear that the person at the start (who leaves the empty bottles on the counter) is the same one that takes a drink at the end? I have never figured out if I made it clear enough and it really bothers me because it changes the meaning a lot. Thank you for your lovely words about it ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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              1. Thank you, I am going to respond to your beautiful comment very soon. I’m just cherishing it and letting it percolate a little. I realise in the above comment I meant to say they are NOT the same person, not they are. I have confused even myself with my vagueness in the poem! ❤️❤️

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  11. This really resonates with me in many ways. I especially like: “I have seen the future. It’s houserobes and lost slippers and selfishness and obsession with a liquid drug, placing its importance above nearly all else, and it’s throat cancer.” Yes. xxx

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