11:59. So last night I was a total wretch and I just couldn’t get out of my own head and I just yearned and yearned for this that and the other thing…
I’d like to make it somehow clear, since this started as a sobriety blog about freedom from alcohol in particular, I don’t actually think, “maybe I’ll have a glass of wine right now.” Those thoughts are long gone for whatever reason. It’s probably not the same for everyone; though if you read the blogs of other sobriety journeyers, I think you’ll notice in general that it does fade, for most of us over time — that driving urge to pour a drink. I just don’t have it at all.
But. I do, lately, often daydream about drinking in the future.
I mean, really often.
Yesterday I felt so alone and sad, and this is not because I’m actually alone or have anything to feel sad about, if we look at my life in general, just like so many of us who have a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear etc… and I live with four other people most of the time and five other people the rest of the time.
But as we all know, we can feel lonely in a crowd.
The people I live with are my responsibility, and/or I am responsible to them. This is by choice.
I always have to remember that. I chose this life, I designed it, it is not the way a fantasy looks, of course — it’s not A Good Year, or A Year in Provence; it’s Ten Mediocre Years in the Middle of France, lol… the reality is we live in a house continually disorganized, rough, under construction, we don’t taste wines and stumble elegantly home from neighbours’ parties… at least, I don’t, anymore, me having been the primary one to do so, in the past…
Case in point.
So I sometimes put on my rosé-tinted glasses of nostalgia, and remember fondly laughing and loud parties with friends, well-fuelled by wine, cigarettes, meat (always a barbecue, in this area), aperitifs, digestifs, etc. etc.
But for some reason, guess what, I was not satisfied back then. Hence where I am now, writing on a sobriety blog.
I don’t plan things. I’m not like, “I think I’ll party my a** off for a bunch of years, then settle down and have kids, then, when they get a bit more self-reliant, start partying my a** off again; then start a sobriety blog.”
That’s not me. I don’t think it’s many of us.
Alcohol and its lures sneak up on you. It’s a thing that seems wonderful in the present moment, then it grabs hold of the steering wheel of the present moment and careens you straight off-course into the future.
I have seen the future. It’s houserobes and lost slippers and selfishness and obsession with a liquid drug, placing its importance above nearly all else, and it’s throat cancer. At least that’s one image of the future I got to see very up close and personal (via someone else’s life), not long before I decided to try a different path. (Actually, I’m mixing metaphors with reality, here.)
I guess I decided I didn’t want that. It’s so hard for me to remember this.
So, I guess I prayed to god, and god answered, and here came this blog, which I have no idea how to manage properly, and feel like I fail at, all the dang time, because I’m not sober in my head.
I’m drunk as a skunk in my head. I just want to be drunk all the time, drunk on words, drunk on love, drunk on you, drunk on me, drunk as can be.
And I know my life sometimes sucks and I’m so far from perfect it’s nearly insane, quite literally in-sane (un-healthy), meaning, I feel like crap a lot of the time…
But maybe this is the first year of getting more aware. Maybe it’s going to get worse. Maybe it’s going to get better. But I chose this path, I chose it for a reason that is far too easy to forget, and in this moment, I kind of think I was onto something there.
We’ll see how it goes. One day at a time.
Crap! Contrary to the title, which I typed in first, this time, I didn’t talk about god. I was going to tell you a story about what happened last night. But I rambled on about something else instead, and now I have to rush out for a bit. Please, god, remind me to try to tell that one later. I have such a bad memory.
In the meantime, fellow sobriety lovers/attempters, before I forget, and if you haven’t already, please read:
Anna – Storm in a Wine Glass – Knitting and Ghost Hunting (it’s the concise story of how the amazing Anna got, and stayed, sober — I have mentioned her blog a couple of times before, on the very off-chance you don’t know of it already, please check it out)
Dwight – Faded Jeans Living – Follow-up: How I got and stay sober (same thing here, for our lovely Dwight Hyde).
10 months, 24 days alcohol-free