10+21 – devil in a green dress

23:21. I am having a devil of a hard time right now. I don’t care about drinking, it’s not that at all… honestly drinking serves no good except to glue addicts happily together. Is that hard-core brutal? That’s how I’m blurting at the moment.

Seriously though. The only time I ever want to drink is if I’m around other people that seem to feel awkward about my not drinking. Then I just want to grab a bottle and start pouring, so that everyone can feel fine.

That’s why I mostly don’t socialize anymore. Does that sound lame? I suppose it is sometimes. But I’m kind of at this stage of my life where I just feel like doing other stuff than drinking to please people. And I’m not quite at the stage where I don’t want to please people. That one is going to take me a long while yet, I’ll guess.

So I made it through my mom’s memorial without drinking. I did that by remaining firmly addicted to typing on various digital pages. At first the not drinking was no big deal — at the memorial itself, it was mostly septuagenarians (my gods that’s a hard word to spell, I had to look it up to make the red squiggles go away) and upwards, we didn’t serve alcohol anyway, and it was honestly amazing to see and hug and talk to old friends and family.

But later, there was an after party at my dad’s house, well not a rager or anything, but you know, a gathering, with my sis and her gang cracking the bubbly, and one of my biggest weaknesses is bubbly. But luckily I’d found and bought some amazing alcohol-free wine, there was this white riesling I’d never found in France, it tasted so much like real wine I was in shock. But wine, even de-alcoholized, is crazy expensive in Canada compared to here in France. Hence, people drink less wine.

But they do smoke more pot. It’s legal now in BC, and there was a good deal of people heading out to hang with Colonel Puff on the back porch. Personally I cannot handle the stuff, I became a giggling idiot and then I just passed out if I smoked even a couple of hits, so that was no problem for me to avoid. But what is a problem for me is talking to people whose mental capacities have declined due to the influence of drugs and booze, for anything longer than a very short while.

So then I head upstairs (or downstairs) and start tapping words into my phone. And that’s pretty good fun for me, but it definitely makes me a bit odd at any gathering.

I could not grieve except in the middle of the night. Then my sister and I, who were sharing our mom’s bed together, jet lagged, would take turns bursting into loud wailing (that was me) or quiet sobbing (that was my sister). It was pretty good bonding actually except not enough time. She was only there for 2 nights that I was there.

The days were crazy full of admin tasks, helping my dad. Death is a bureaucratic business.

You might be wondering how I said “no” to drinking, to people who’d only known me as a fellow chugger of boozy drinks. Well, that turned out to be easy. I just said that since I was getting old and all (haha) wine started giving me headaches and anxiety that I didn’t enjoy. So I stopped drinking it.

I also had a plan: if I got high-pressured, I would pull out the one-year card. The one-year card being the pact I’d originally made with myself, then published on the internets, then self-sabotaged 50 days in due to having published on the internets and sucking the personal joy out of the goal, then starting this blog and thinking “one day at a time,” till now. But now I am so close to the one-year goal that it would actually be helpful to think to myself, though this crazy difficult period, that I just needed to make it through to the end of this year, at the very least. Meaning, make it through my mother’s passing, followed by heavy birthday season in our family, and then “home run” up to the 27th of March.

And I did pull that card. One of my uncles (well he’s not actually an uncle but a close family friend who I’ve known since a kid so always called him uncle) was big-time pressuring me, “Come on, you have to, for this,” and all that, and I was like nope, nope, nope, not going to happen. I’m doing this thing. I’m too close to give it up now.

Whether or not that was the right attitude, that was the one that made it through.

Plus, of course, thinking of all of you.

I am so sorry I’ve been MIA. The reason is I pretty much had very little positive or new (or both) to say. I’ve been having a brutal time of things in my head. And wow! It honestly feels good to say that here, even though I can’t quite process the reasons for it all quite yet. So thanks, thanks a lot for being here and listening. I appreciate it so much.

Love, xo n/stl

.

***

10 months, 21 days alcohol-free.
I don’t know why I called it devil in a green dress. That just popped into my head when I needed to title it at the end. Tree theme and all.

 

 

 

31 thoughts on “10+21 – devil in a green dress

  1. Really really good to hear from you Nadine. I’ve been thinking about you and your mum. What a tough time! The drinking thing is so much tougher in certain social situations I find. I am 100% with you on the feeling uncomfortable because I make other people uncomfortable due to not drinking. It is stopping me from being very sociable! You got through it though … all the raw emotion and roller coaster feelings … and you did it sober. You felt those feelings and didn’t numb them. That’s got to be a good thing right?
    Good to have you back
    We all missed you tons xx ❤️😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so very much, lovely Claire. That is so true what you said about the feelings and experiencing them raw – for me that was definitely a blessing.
      I have missed you all too, it’s such a great group of folks in sobrietyland, so very accepting and understanding, and I feel so grateful that you are here welcoming me back with open arms. Means a lot.

      I have just read some comments too that I had not seen till now, each one means a lot to me and I am very touched by them… I have a lot to catch up on. Tomorrow I will be reading all the latest posts. Now… past midnight… sleep. 😴😊 Thanks again, dear sobriety friend ❤︎🙏🌿

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh how much I’ve missed you girlfriend! You sound amazingly strong. So proud of you. I’m going to email you something I came across when my mom passed. I found it very comforting and it’s perfect for you. Much love coming your way, sister. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, Elizabeth. So very very good to hear from you. I do not feel very strong but it’s lovely to hear that sounds can be deceiving. ;)) Hehe. I will be checking my email very soon. Probably I should be in the habit of checking that first, each day, but after the morning duties I just need my blogland fix. Thanks for the love, sister, beaming it right back atcha. 💛By the way I am still reading The Overstory which you also recommended. It’s so amazing (and slightly envy-inspiring) that I’m sipping it very slowly, around a few other book-cocktails. 📖🍵 xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. always good to hear the ins & outs of it..keeps me balanced in a lot of ways.Glad you made it through that emotional situation and know that i do understand the downswings completely!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That is so awesome you are so close to your 1 year goal! I remember when I first came to WP reading all your posts from the very first you posted when you decided to quit drinking to your current post at that time. Those posts were such a catalyst in my decision I wanted to change my life! Your posts have branched out just like the tree. Just like you. I really admire how strong you are. I really value your friendship!

    I am so glad to hear from you and I have been thinking of you! Big Big hugs to you Nadine! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow Jackie (you once signed this way in a comment, but I’m still not sure if you prefer Jacquelyn or not, I love both names, let me know ;)), you have been such a majorly huge help to me with your constant support. It’s partly thanks to you and others like you that this blog still exists, and also that my sustained sobriety exists, lovely friend, so thank you so very very much. I’m coming over to read your latest very soon. ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ 🙏 Thanks for the big hugs, they are very welcome, and heartfeltedly returned. 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Morning! Normally I go by Jackie. 🙂 I made my account on WP so long ago when my kids were just toddlers. I wrote about funny things that happen to me in life. I was in a completely different state of mind then. Life was simple and much easier. Fast forward to this past year or so and I was concerned with my thoughts with alcohol so signed back in here. I’m so glad I did but not sure if I can change my name or my email address I blog from that you follow here on WP. I wouln’t want to create a new address to blog from, just change the current name of it, therefore keeping my followers. Maybe make it more creative to what I’m going through in life currently! Anywho, love your comment and awesome to have you back! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ah, I so so so hear you on that “life was simpler back then” feeling. It truly was. When the kiddos were small it was all-encompassing; the focus on them, that is. As they got more independent, things changed.
          I hear you on the user name, too. No definitely don’t need to change it! Good to know what you prefer. You might not know this but you can in fact change just the way your name appears, even if you don’t want to change the URL, by going into the settings for your profile icon, and entering whatever name you want into the “Public Display Name” field.
          (This is not me suggesting you do that, just letting you know you have options. :)))
          Much love again, and thanks xoxoxoxo ❤

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks dear L/DGS (not sure if you are sharing your name yet, on your blog, I’m coming over to catch up soon)… and thank you also so much for your lovely email a while back. It meant a lot to me. 💞💗💕😘🙏

      Like

  5. Since I quit drinking, I haven’t done much socializing. Last month we got invited to a part 90 minutes from home with some people we haven’t seen in years. We decided to make a big night of it and stick around for a few hours. I have to say, as the night wore on and people’s voices started to thicken with alcohol, I found myself getting pretty judgmental. Pretty uncool of me, I know. I’d be livid if someone kept pestering me to have a drink. No means no.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is the thing! It’s “as the night wears on.” I’m super into it for the first couple of hours, judgements are off, after that it’s grumpy pumpkin time. Can not make it anywhere near midnight usually. I hear you on the no thing. I can’t blame them for pestering though I guess, since I used to buckle so easily. I think they just want me to feel included and like I don’t have to be so stringent or something. Also they want a drinking buddy who won’t get judgmental the longer the night wears on. :))

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I´m going to comment here, I don’t know what the hell I touched I sent your comment into the trash…. just in case you received a notification or something, I didn’t do it on purpose, I just touched the keyboard to give you a reply and have no idea but it said that comment in trash, and it was in red !
    Anyways glad you found the other comment you hadn’t read until today useful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Charly, no worries, I myself am a digital klutz all the time. (p.s. As can be seen by the fact that I somehow did not manage to reply directly to your other kind comment. :))

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So glad to read a post from you again. I had just started to read your blog when you took a pause. I’m so glad you made it through the emotions, the social-ness and the bureaucracy that accompanied your mother’s passing. That had to have been such an emotionally charged time. Whatever works for not drinking, right? Sending strength as you continue to deal with your loss. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Going back through posts I missed, and I saw this one from you, Nadine. I’m sorry I missed responding to it in a timely way. I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you.❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nadiiiiiine ❤ We have missed you 🙂 You've been in my meditations a lot (lol is that a secular way of saying "in my prayers"?), I've been sending you good things and hoping you are doing ok with everything that has happened. You come off so resilient in your post, and I am glad you got to share the grieving moments with your sister. It truly is a really bewildering and difficult time you are navigating, and with such grace and radiance ! ❤ Also, fuck people who try and pressure others into drinking during this time (sorry to your "uncle" ! I didn't mean to be mean) – people pleasing is the last thing one should have to have on their mind when there is more deeply-rooted and pressing emotional stuff going on. I'm really happy for you that the One Year card helped you get through those trickier bubbly-nagging moments, you did wonderful. Anyway, it's good to have you back ❤ and as Dwight implied in his "welcome home" comment: you will always have a family here on WP 🙂 xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this beautiful comment, dear Anne. And thank you for the well-wishes/prayers/meditations. Whatever we want to call them (I change terminology all the time ;)) I think it’s helping. A lot. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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