10+11 – positive outlook glimmering back

06:05. Reading back on recent not-published posts I can say I did good-enough work here. and there is something else. I’m glad I did not publish publicly.

The thing for me about publishing publicly is that I have to spend so much time afterwards wondering if what I put out there was good enough or not. It uses my time and mental space and at this point in my life, dealing with grief beating huge black wings in the background, getting ready for some overseas flight away from all that my mother nested in, I don’t have the energy for it.

It’s a great tactic, to write into the blog editor, type true thoughts but geared specifically towards a certain audience or topic, and then hit publish but in private mode. The writing turns out more pure and less pandery than when I know or imagine I will hit public-publish.

I read back on my comment replies to people and see that while it’s nice and all, it’s all very ego-driven and basically unnecessary in the level of response. I had written the post, that was my contribution, they can respond, that is their contribution, there is no need for me to go on and on in return, nor to overload with emojis, unless I suddenly and truly feel like doing that, as I sometimes do. The comment replies were what used to take me so long, and occasionally drain my energy, yet I felt obligated to make them, whether I had energy or time available or not, since I genuinely appreciated the comments so much, and loved the loving-kindness given by the people who were taking the time to make them.

I am experiencing growth, I realize suddenly. It looks like sitting in a void or standing still, but in fact this is yet another green shoot on a grave.

The fact that I can write, and not publish immediately, that I don’t want or need the resulting noise in my head, that I can finally resist the urge to expose myself when I know I am not yet strong enough to manage the hurled rotting cabbages backstage, nor even the roses thrown up front, for that matter, is progress.

Good lord what awful images.

The coffee is really horrible with that awful sugar-cream chemical-flavour mix in it. like I said I wish it were herb tea but I know if I don’t drink the coffee I’ll get caffeine headaches.

This reminds me that in spite of my recent cravings to join the crowd and drink or smoke like everyone else in my tiny world, it would feel like crap afterward if I did. I have watched how people furiously ingest the available substances, it’s nothing more than a grab at life itself, and in fact it’s a grand illusion, for the substances contribute more to death than to life.

Some things about continuous sobriety I begin to take for granted – namely, never feeling dependant on a substance – except caffeine. I guess that one will be next to go. I do not like feeling dependant – not on anything nor anyone.

And that’s the other thing. While I’m writing here in private mode – this crazy obsession I developed over writing co-dependent love poetry feels like it has finally run its course. Today I just look on it all as a kind of phase I had to pass through.

All in all, quite positive outlook this morning. It helped to get a lot done yesterday, also to spend time face-to-face with close friends and family, and finally, to realize that my feeling of inadequacy is truly a self-chosen perception, and not a reality, unless I choose to persist in it.



Published privately 2020-02-07. Made public 2020-03-14.

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