9+28 – challenging days ahead… grief

11:10.  I had some devastating news the other day. My beloved mother suddenly died.

She’s very far away. I fly there tomorrow, to be with my dad, who is “utterly lost without her,” in the words of friend who contacted us to keep us posted. My sister has flown there too, so the three of us will be reunited.

Sorrow’s a strange thing… it gets mixed up in bureaucracy… in everyday tasks… and if we’re lucky, it’s softened by the unconditional love of family and good friends.

Shock, despair, relief (that it went quickly – and natural causes), guilt… these so far I have been feeling. Guilt is one of the biggest operators in me… not just in grieving the loss of my mother, now, but throughout life in general. Guilt for pursuing a treasured hobby instead of cleaning grime from around bathroom taps, guilt for not being good enough at this that or the other thing, guilt just for *feeling* that I’m not good enough.

I stopped by a nearby relative’s today, to say goodbye, since I will be away for a while… and it seemed that she finally, finally “let me in,” psychologically, now that she knows I’m grieving, too. Her closed-off-ness is a pretty rare thing for me to feel. Usually I feel an easy connection with most people… but not so with her.

I have tried many, many times before, but I knew that it was impossible with her, because I had not, in her eyes, been initiated to the club… until now. For the first time in a while, she was smiling, radiant. I have to admit, it was cheering…

I’m mostly a mirror, so I was, too. And I felt it… it’s not just an act. We can choose whether to offer resentment… to close the door in a face of now-acceptance, that had once closed the door on us… or we can choose to forgive… to forgive, to forgive. And feel joy, that someone now accepts us, when once they did not. Even through immeasurable background pain. (Can you detect a wee bit of resentment here? Good spidey-senses… I have to get back to my fourth step…)

But… can I also forgive *myself*? For any misstep? Any of the many, many times I did not shine pure love to my mother? Anytime I hurried on the phone? Rolled my eyes when she said something for the hundredth time? Used sarcasm, when something less bitter might have tasted better, in the memories that arise in the aftermath of death?

I don’t know. This is the work I have to do in the coming weeks.

If I don’t forgive myself everything, everything, everything, just as I forgive those who “trespass against” me… then I have lost touch with the Tree.

.

***

Dearest friends… you’ve been a lifeline in many ways… I send you so much gratitude… you’ve been amazing, all through this journey. You feel like a very special kind of family, to me.

For all your “being here, now”… past and present… and, with any luck and love, future… thank you.

And… one thing I can put out there is this: Make sure the beloved people in your life know that you love them — especially before you part ways, on any given day. You never know if it will be the last time you have the chance to communicate it — not just in words… but in actions, attitude, eye contact, the willingness to listen… all of that.

That’s the biggest thing on my mind these days.

Love,

xo Nadine/stl

p.s. I might not be able to respond to comments, nor catch up with your blogs, in the next while… there is much to do and arrange, and much to be present for… but I appreciate any efforts… please know this. Likes are loving, too. Thank you  ❤︎

.

***

9 months, 28 days alcohol-free

 

34 thoughts on “9+28 – challenging days ahead… grief

  1. Oh Nadine I’m so sorry. Even through your grief your words as always hold hope, love and kindness. You are such a strong soul and your mum will have known your love I’m sure. Thinking of you and sending my love 💞💞💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you so much love and thinking about you Nadine. Your mum will have known how much you love her. So sad for your loss and for your Dad too. Take care and be very kind to yourself
    Claire xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending so much love and hugs Nadine ❤ I am 100% sure your mother knew how much you love her. I hope you know also how much you are loved ❤ and that you will remember to be loving with yourself as much as possible during this time ❤ We are here with you – reach out if you need ANYTHING xoxoxoxo Anne ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nadine, I am so sorry for your loss. That is such a hard thing to go through. 😦 I am sending wishes of strength, peace, and love your way. Have safe travels, and don’t forget to get some rest and take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry Nadine. My mother died quite young and while it was expected for years, it was still devastating. Mother’s are irreplaceable. I know well the eye-roll guilt. I’m haunted thirty-four years past her death by a snarky comment I made when I was seventeen. I think those who leave us behind aren’t focused on the small negative slights that popped up in day to day life. They focus on the love.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. So very sorry for your loss. May you be given whatever you need to go through this difficult time. Sending you peace and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh dear, I am so sorry for your sudden loss and I feel for your dad. I’m sending a big hug to you from me! ❤ Having two female teenagers here means a lot of eye-rolling, sarcasm, missteps and definitely times a little more niceness could be sent my way. ( plenty of awesomeness here too but trying to relate to your post. ) However, I know they love me very much as she knows you love her very much! I would hope they never bear guilt for anything as I think it's pretty natural with a mother/daughter relationship. I'm sure your mom feels the very same way. Love you. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. So sorry for your loss. Sending you strength and love for the coming weeks. And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the reminder that we must love our loved ones now. My mother tries my patience sometimes, but it is so true that they (anyone) can be gone in an instant.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hi Nadine, really sorry to hear about your loss. The love and compassion that comes through ALL your posts will for sure be something your mum knew and felt. You’re so right, we have to cherish those we love daily. It’s a fragile world. Xxx Jim

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Dear Nadine…oh my!! I had not realised that you had so ‘recently’ lost your Mum! Though losing your Mum at any time is heart wrenching! I have been so wrapped up in the puff and stuff that makes up my own life and all that goes with that, I missed that you had so recently been bereaved. You are a beautiful, kin, passionate and sharing soul that brings light to many on here. All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And you are so right about not putting things off as if you have all the time in the world. I found that out recently as you know with the sudden loss of my beautiful nephew. Sending you much love and wishing with time that you find peace within. Your Mum raised a beautiful daughter who touches the lives of many. She lives on through you, your sister, your children. Anyway, just wanted to send you love and strength! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thanks so much, Liola. Please, no worries!! It was the same for me, reading your post about your nephew, so we are completely even. :))
      Such kind things you’ve said about me, but I feel they describe you perfectly. Thank you so much for your kindness and your time here, and your lovely words for my momsie. She does live on, it’s true. Much love to you! 💗☀️Xoxoxoxo

      Like

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