23:45. I went outside tonight, I made the time. The tree was there, the sky quite pale for night, the moon, nearly full, gleaming through the slightest fog and the black branches… were they really black?… not quite; I could see the grain of the bark, even from some metres away…
I often don’t make the time. I guess I’m afraid I won’t feel that connection I once felt so deeply. This time I was honest about that. I stood there on the step, feeling nothing but tiredness, and I admitted forlornly to the dead-seeming tree,
“I don’t feel it anymore…”
and then came the guilt-ridden words…
…”because I wrote about it.”
I meant the connection with the tree.
But writing never hurts. Not for me anyway… and not for so many of us… rather, it’s a release. What I’d really meant was, “because I *published* about it.” In certain cases, publishing about things doesn’t always feel better. It’s tricky.
And then, immediately, I felt it… that sense of connection… and I realized again the obvious, that the tree could be anything, or anyone, really… I could be speaking to the moon, or to another person, or to the page, or to myself… but if I spoke the truth, about whatever was aching in that moment, I would get the connection tingles… and that would enliven me and charge me with spiritual electricity, that hit of utter unconditional love and acceptance, for whatever I needed to do, just to continue for another evening, another day.
Dear friends, I’m sorry I’ve been a bit MIA, some stressful money-and-time-related things going on in life… but nothing that won’t someday be overcome, or at least different… my husband and I keep saying to ourselves, “this too shall pass.” And we’re all in good health, knock on wood; that’s a major blessing.
I did actually write a post and published it on New Years’ (and my thanks go out to the two readers who immediately responded to it); but I wrote it in a despondent moment, and with several interruptions, and at at time when I shouldn’t have bothered trying to blog at all…. and in the end didn’t want to discourage anyone with its slightly depressed and confusing tone… so then unpublished it very shortly afterwards, also so I could just not worry about the post and it’s possible positive or negative effects, and instead try to enjoy the evening with the family.
Just after that, I read a post from a friend… it was so depressed, and though I was sad for them, I was also sad *with* them, and thus so grateful to them for sharing it, since it made me feel connected in some way… so kudos for those braver and more eloquent than I… NYE can be such a lonely time, such a time of expectation, often unfulfilled.
I think that’s okay though…
Especially when we make it through, sober. ;)) I remember so many drinking NYE’s that were just as disappointing in whatever way… and then the next day, that “oh-shit-what-did-I-do/say” to deal with as well.
This NYE, after I made the post private, and became determined to be bright and cheerful for the kids, I made the traditional new years’ treats, and just after that I we fulfilled my wish to go onto the street at the stroke of 12, to bang pots and pans with wooden spoons, and hear distant fireworks, and the church bells, and it was really lovely… and now the kids will remember this.
I also did a small epiphany celebration this year, for the first time, as per local custom. Gâteau du rois — the youngest got the fêve, so no tears were shed. Hoorah for cake… but not so much for crowns; that gold-paper head-fence got ripped, in the monkeys’ fight for the throne. So much like in the big world, lol…
So, here’s to a beautiful new year, seeing clear, and not through rosé tinted glasses, at the present time, at least.
And though I haven’t set any resolutions, I might just try to tackle the resolutions I set and failed at last year… they weren’t too hard, after all. And one of them I have nearly achieved, though it will be nearly three months later than I hoped… to remain alcohol-free for one full year.
On second thought, nope, not committing to anything; I believe that’s how I failed the first time… self-sabotage is an issue for me. Instead, I’ll continue just the way I’ve made it this far, this time around… “one day at a time.” And I’ll be grateful for what we’ve achieved, because yes, it has been hard at times… and yet, as it turns out, “we can do hard things.”
Sending love, and gratitude for all of your support, since it’s truly the “we” that makes all the difference… ❤️ 🎉 🙌
9 months and 12 days, alcohol-free, 2020-02-08