7+4 – Halloween (bit sad, coming clean)

17:30. I note the time to force myself to be conscious of the fact that to do any kind of worthwhile work here, I must write quickly and from the heart, not self-editing (apart of course from what the mind allows during stream of thought, as it does now with this bracketed phrase), not perfecting, not trying to look good.

Looking good was a key priority for me, in my younger days especially, though still now as well, if I admit it. Halloween was my favourite North American holiday (which was not a holiday). Over the years of course I’ve come to learn its various origins — a mixture of Day of the Dead/Dios de los Muertos (Mexico), All Saints (France and other places), lantern festivals (Diwali). All to mark the harvest and/or the darkening days, to bring light and love and honour to the departed. Halloween did not start as a celebration of horror and a relishing of fear.

(Resists urge to look up the above, verify, correct, gather links, etc. etc.; feel free to correct in the comments.)

So yeah. Halloween was my favourite holiday, but not for any of that spiritual stuff, which I didn’t know about yet, but for the slight sense of danger which all children love, plus of course the chance to ——

17:35 have to go. kid #3 needs face painting. Why not before, when I offered? Mysteries.

18:40 that was best thing I did today. To pay attention to that small face. He’s gone to a friend’s party. There is no trick-or-treating around here, houses too far apart, and it’s a very new custom not yet well understood or practiced. The French sometimes bring flowers to their departed loved-ones’ graves, but that’s the following day; tomorrow, which is a day off. Sometimes they have a big meal the evening before, all the courses.

(con’t) — the chance to dress up, become someone else, and I was an obsessed seamstress and a wannabe fashion designer so yeah, it was my day.

But now it’s just another day.

No parties. No scene. And yet that’s my own fault, know what I mean? We can have parties without wine. Yes it’s possible.

Just a lot of self-pity right now. And I have not been working hard enough on getting rid of it.

The thing about those of us who understand addiction, is we’ve done a lot of introspection and we know we can’t blame others for our faults.

My urge is to cast blame: “They’ve shut me out, because I don’t drink.”

But I haven’t done any work either, to make things different.

I haven’t planned any party, invited anyone over. It’s me the selfish one, as much as, or more so, than them.

And really, was it all that fun? Two years ago, dressed up, at the table, wine at one-o-clock on the setting. Compliments yes, I craved those. I got them and then they were over. Laughter, repartee, look at me! It’s a game of wit.

There was also love or the attempt at shining it, at finding it, but it wasn’t real connection. Not in fact, till the dishes were being done; to work beside my friend in the kitchen, to talk about real, deep life. I could have drank all night. But she didn’t, and she was done and ready to sleep. That was the difference. I could always want another one.

What’s this lucky difference that some have? To know one’s limits, to stop before midnight, to go to bed, get up and unselfishly do what needs doing not just for oneself, but for others?

I don’t know. But I need to find out. I’ve had it before, and seem to have forgotten it somehow.

I’m a serious addict. Not to wine anymore, but now it’s words.

I’ve swapped my addictions. Perhaps it’s an upgrade but it’s still an addiction, a spiritual void I’m trying to fill.

I yearn for connection, for recognition, for praise, for love.

All because I can’t find it for myself, within myself.

It’s the god-shaped hole.

I’ll try again to connect with god, spirit, the great CPU as I call it, whatever.

It’s not the popular choice, but it’s the one that brings inner peace.

Tree. I need thee.

 

* * *

~ sobrietytree.home.blog, 7 months + 4 days.

Some notes:

*God-shaped hole: Blaise Pascal. http://harvardichthus.org/2011/05/pascal_hole/

The sovereign good.  Man without faith can know neither true good nor justice.  All men seek happiness.  There are no exceptions. […] Yet for very many years no one without faith has ever reached the goal at which everyone is continually aiming.”

*Good sobriety Hallowe’en reading: “Hungry Ghosts: The Realm of Addiction – Gabor Maté” – https://drgabormate.com/preview/in-the-realm-of-hungry-ghosts-introduction/

*”Hungry ghost is a concept in Chinese Buddhism, Chinese traditional religion, Vietnamese Buddhism and Vietnamese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.”- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungry_ghost

*A beautiful song called Bright Horses, from an album called Ghosteen, shared by a sobriety friend (hope you don’t mind, friend; wasn’t sure if you wanted to be named; you can mention in the comments, if you like):

(I thought: what if I imagined the “baby coming home” to be my faith?)
Lyrics: https://www.nickcave.com/lyric/bright-horses/

xo n/stl

 

 

18 thoughts on “7+4 – Halloween (bit sad, coming clean)

  1. Thank you, as always, for sharing. I have so much more to say about it but not much time and that is the most important part. I’ve been missing from my blog and missing those like you who I follow but I’ll be back soon. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I would absolutely run with this word ‘addiction’. What is the difference between a passion and an addiction, wondering out loud.
    Keep those words flowing either to share with us or for private, either way don’t stop. They are your guide. ❤️
    Halloween is now adopted in New Zealand. Yesterday’s newspaper had an article: etiquette for Mums on trick or treating. Don’t have children but I read it anyway.😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow… to see this now… all through dinner, I have to say I was thinking a lot about the same kind of thing… passion vs addiction. It’s hard for me to figure it out. I love what you said, thank you; really made me happy in my heart ❤️
      Ah so cute about New Zealanders learning Halloween etiquette! The one time we wandered about on Halloween in a French city, our kids were among the only ones in costume, and super happy people were raining candy down on them from apartment balconies! No “Halloween etiquette” there yet, haha, but the kids loved it! 😄

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Rough post. For 3 years, Halloween was my hardest day of the year. Not even because I went to parties. I just sat on the porch and drank wine and gave out candy. It was the one thing I missed more than anything else, I have no idea why. The next one was sitting down after decorating the christmas tree. Just seems like a time to have a glass of red.

    I’ve allowed myself to lose connection with just about everyone I know since I quit. The more isolated I become, the more wordpress love I crave. You see it, you need to make sure you act. Your habits aren’t set. Don’t allow yourself the isolation that I did. I don’t know how to dig out now.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Love reading about your own Halloween vignettes. And such poignant insight in that last paragraph, along with limetwiste’s reply. Funny thing is, I feel sometimes that the people here are so kindred, and it’s so much easier and natural (and also seemingly “controllable”; it seems we can all access each other whenever it’s convenient, as on any social media) and that brings me so much joy, as did reading these comments this morning (addictively sneaking a glimpse on my phone during my walk/run)… that’s why I keep coming back for more.

      But I know that face to face ties are really important… if the shiznit hit the proverbial fizznit, all you’ve got is the people in your physical vicinity, really, to depend upon and vice versa… so it’s finding that balance.

      I love your advice and it will ring with me for a while, as all your bluntly helpful gifts seem to do. Thanks Jeff

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love your passion for words! Passion as mentioned in the comments above is such a perfect word! ❤
    I have a lot of the same thoughts as how did I lose the ability to just “have a couple.” I had it, and it’s gone. I’m an all or nothing girl. Kind of the way my personality is too! I’d like some middle ground though! 🤔
    Hope you are having a fantastic day and thank you for sharing your passion for words! 🙌🏻😍

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot dear Jackie for your kind words and sunshine as always. 😘😘This was/is me as well, I think, someone of extremes. My dad was/is the same and he is one of my favourite people on this earth. So it can’t be a bad thing. :)) Except when it’s not working for us. Then we can take a spin down the other loop of the infinity twist. 😉🙏❤︎ Though times still get tough, (sometimes very tough), if I have my way I will stay on this road. It’s worth it. I feel there’s a steady and moderate life incline that’s arising beneath that roller coaster.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Jim, I don’t know if the second part is true, but your saying it makes me smile, anyway. :)) I resonate with much of what you say, too. And for me it’s refreshing to read a more direct and perhaps bluntly honest take on things, over at your blog. Thank you, friend, for all your words.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for writing and sharing, Nadine ❤ I read myself into your words: your words are healing for other people, they help others work on themselves, and they help you work through yourself 🙂 As so many have pointed out here (and as my therapist keeps telling me – but i too struggle with accepting the idea): being "addicted" to words is not a problem ! It is a beautiful blessing 🙂 Too often, we beat ourselves up and we make the problem 🙂 When the "real" problem is that while we were trying so hard to improve, we forgot to be gentle, and love ourselves. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw. I should maybe have read comments before posting (but then, I might not have posted at all). :)) This is wonderful, and I love having your therapist’s input since I have none. (Other than the Tree. ;)) I agree that words are okay, and I love hearing that reassurance. It’s finding the balance between connection and needing validation, that I need to work on, I think.

      It’s hard to admit to. Just like any addiction, I think it involves self-acceptance where we’re at, and moving past shame. Basically more conversations with the Tree. Which means more time away from the words and the screen. :))

      Thank you so much for commenting, Anne, I always look forward to your words and insights. Very helpful, and much like the things the Tree says to me, in fact. :)) ❤︎ 😘 😇

      Like

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