17:30. I note the time to force myself to be conscious of the fact that to do any kind of worthwhile work here, I must write quickly and from the heart, not self-editing (apart of course from what the mind allows during stream of thought, as it does now with this bracketed phrase), not perfecting, not trying to look good.
Looking good was a key priority for me, in my younger days especially, though still now as well, if I admit it. Halloween was my favourite North American holiday (which was not a holiday). Over the years of course I’ve come to learn its various origins — a mixture of Day of the Dead/Dios de los Muertos (Mexico), All Saints (France and other places), lantern festivals (Diwali). All to mark the harvest and/or the darkening days, to bring light and love and honour to the departed. Halloween did not start as a celebration of horror and a relishing of fear.
(Resists urge to look up the above, verify, correct, gather links, etc. etc.; feel free to correct in the comments.)
So yeah. Halloween was my favourite holiday, but not for any of that spiritual stuff, which I didn’t know about yet, but for the slight sense of danger which all children love, plus of course the chance to ——
17:35 have to go. kid #3 needs face painting. Why not before, when I offered? Mysteries.
18:40 that was best thing I did today. To pay attention to that small face. He’s gone to a friend’s party. There is no trick-or-treating around here, houses too far apart, and it’s a very new custom not yet well understood or practiced. The French sometimes bring flowers to their departed loved-ones’ graves, but that’s the following day; tomorrow, which is a day off. Sometimes they have a big meal the evening before, all the courses.
(con’t) — the chance to dress up, become someone else, and I was an obsessed seamstress and a wannabe fashion designer so yeah, it was my day.
But now it’s just another day.
No parties. No scene. And yet that’s my own fault, know what I mean? We can have parties without wine. Yes it’s possible.
Just a lot of self-pity right now. And I have not been working hard enough on getting rid of it.
The thing about those of us who understand addiction, is we’ve done a lot of introspection and we know we can’t blame others for our faults.
My urge is to cast blame: “They’ve shut me out, because I don’t drink.”
But I haven’t done any work either, to make things different.
I haven’t planned any party, invited anyone over. It’s me the selfish one, as much as, or more so, than them.
And really, was it all that fun? Two years ago, dressed up, at the table, wine at one-o-clock on the setting. Compliments yes, I craved those. I got them and then they were over. Laughter, repartee, look at me! It’s a game of wit.
There was also love or the attempt at shining it, at finding it, but it wasn’t real connection. Not in fact, till the dishes were being done; to work beside my friend in the kitchen, to talk about real, deep life. I could have drank all night. But she didn’t, and she was done and ready to sleep. That was the difference. I could always want another one.
What’s this lucky difference that some have? To know one’s limits, to stop before midnight, to go to bed, get up and unselfishly do what needs doing not just for oneself, but for others?
I don’t know. But I need to find out. I’ve had it before, and seem to have forgotten it somehow.
I’m a serious addict. Not to wine anymore, but now it’s words.
I’ve swapped my addictions. Perhaps it’s an upgrade but it’s still an addiction, a spiritual void I’m trying to fill.
I yearn for connection, for recognition, for praise, for love.
All because I can’t find it for myself, within myself.
It’s the god-shaped hole.
I’ll try again to connect with god, spirit, the great CPU as I call it, whatever.
It’s not the popular choice, but it’s the one that brings inner peace.
Tree. I need thee.
* * *
~ sobrietytree.home.blog, 7 months + 4 days.
*God-shaped hole: Blaise Pascal. http://harvardichthus.org/2011/05/pascal_hole/
“The sovereign good. Man without faith can know neither true good nor justice. All men seek happiness. There are no exceptions. […] Yet for very many years no one without faith has ever reached the goal at which everyone is continually aiming.”
*Good sobriety Hallowe’en reading: “Hungry Ghosts: The Realm of Addiction – Gabor Maté” – https://drgabormate.com/preview/in-the-realm-of-hungry-ghosts-introduction/
*”Hungry ghost is a concept in Chinese Buddhism, Chinese traditional religion, Vietnamese Buddhism and Vietnamese traditional religion representing beings who are driven by intense emotional needs in an animalistic way.”- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungry_ghost
*A beautiful song called Bright Horses, from an album called Ghosteen, shared by a sobriety friend (hope you don’t mind, friend; wasn’t sure if you wanted to be named; you can mention in the comments, if you like):
(I thought: what if I imagined the “baby coming home” to be my faith?)