18:44. Just a quick post. Realized all of a sudden that today is the 7-month mark! This is actually pretty exciting for me because I feel like I could now easily make it to one year.
It’s been a bit of a roller coaster in the last month. Nearly lost my mind several weeks ago, due various self-inflicted pressures, as well as perhaps-imagined outside ones. But, thanks to a little help in the worst of times from AF wine, and the AA motto of “one day at a time,” and most of all, perhaps, due to the support I’ve found here, through you all, I made it through. :)) And am so very glad.
It feels great to know that although I still have anxiety, it’s less; and I’m not feeling like I have to hide anything. I am getting more adventurous again in finding new friendships, ones that are mutually rewarding and non-co-dependant. I still have a lot of work to do; I still at times crave to be liked at all costs, and I still have some trouble defining my own boundaries, but both of those are improving/diminishing as well. There are always bumps along the road, missteps and reoccurrences of self-doubt (for example, I published a long post here the other day, then made it private, out of self-doubt); but there is also a kind of growing sense of being okay with that aspect of my progress and of myself.
We went for that previously-mentioned hike with the math mom and our two families yesterday; she really is a gem. I’ll admit that socializing without wine is still a bit tiring for me; I’m a massive hermit crab in many ways and I used to prefer just a bit of deep-talk plus a lot of dancing and glass-clinking, when it was time to relax and let loose with friends. Now social stuff has been more centred around family activities (which means no wining is replaced by more whining, often, thanks to the younger kids; though it’s likely better for them to go on group nature outings, than play video games while the parents party downstairs). And lacking the truth serum of alcohol, and being surrounded by kids, it seems to often involve a lot of small-talking.
While I understand that small-talking (or let’s say, medium-talking) is often just a necessary part of getting to know folks, especially in all-ages situations, it’s something I’m awful at and admittedly find draining, especially in a second language with rapid speakers who use a lot of dialect. But underneath it the heart of people can be sensed, and most hearts mean well, and I try to focus on that as best I can, and the great part is that although I might kick myself immediately afterwards for my own language or conversational blunders, it’s not for long, and I never have to wonder what exactly what was said or done. Yay me.
Oh yeah and no more drunk blog posts!
Most of the time I don’t think at all about drinking or sobriety or any of that. It’s just the way life is now, and I like it this way.
Thanks so much for all your help; could not have gotten this far without y’all! You’re the Tree. ❤️