07:13. I miss my spirituality with the Tree. I want to return to it, I think. But I have doubts.
Yes I was cracked open, those days; yes I “let in” so many people — “real-life” people, in the actual neighbourhood, and it was exhausting at times — but, I was also high on god-energy, or creative energy — all thanks to the Tree, or this manifestation of it (it seems to move from tree to tree, if I ever leave a place, and certainly it started way back, with a tall tree I used to climb in my childhood), but perhaps this particular Tree has been the most special in some ways.
That feeling of being cracked open scares me though. I lose touch with the “regular world”’s way of thinking. Am I saying that right? Probably not. Either way, I lose my adult cynicism, I lose my sense of sometimes-stoic disillusionment, I believe I see clearly through a lot of farce and/or greedy intentions in people and yet I accept it all, love it all unconditionally; I believe, in that moment, that I understand the reasons and roots of all this; and that understanding and total acceptance is what transforms this negative energy in people, including in myself. And it seems to work. Those who are receptive seem to benefit, sometimes enormously; including me.
Then occasionally, loved ones send back so much love (one friend, after a visit in which I’d connected her with another friend, in which there’d been a much-needed emotional outpouring between the two of them, clasped me in her arms after a visit, and said “I need you, please don’t ever leave, don’t ever move away”) and it feels wonderful, yes; but also a bit scary. What if I want to move? (And basically, I often do dream of moving, and always have.) And suddenly, I find myself trying to do too much. Removing the kids completely from their technology, teaching them basic life stuff/household chores/music/etc., which causes a lot of struggle. Meanwhile juggling friend visits, which I crave and enjoy, against T’s seeming need for — what? a perfectly tidy home, a clock-driven schedule, and an utter lack of social activities, except sometimes with me, when he’s here.
Then there’s the volunteer work with the local health-outreach place, then there’s the kids’ school outings and/or regular conversations with teachers to attempt to improve things, all of which take energy; and then there’s the slight discomfort of certain male walkers at the lake, who perhaps misinterpret my friendliness and openness as something else. (And one of whom seems more and more advancing, and the one I expected least of all to be; the hand-shaker, of course; thus proving my intuition to perhaps be off).
And I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, or for not being as I imagine they should be; or I fail at juggling things perfectly, nor even well; and I get so overwhelmed and I give up. I hide away, I close the gates, I hermit crab. I let the boys do mostly as they wish on their screens — including playing Starcraft with T, and god knows what other games I don’t agree with that go against peaceful philosophy; and/or watching *other* gamers game on Youtube, and/or watching over-grown millennials do stupid double-dares for likes and views.
I forget to talk to my tree, because I’m tired of being a portal to some, and a freak to others, and I’m just tired, period.
And when I forget to talk to the Tree, I lose it all anyway… all that momentary, intermittent wisdom and peace. Instead, I find that something insidious has happened; I’ve developed a creeping selfishness, a creeping self-illusion, a creeping self-love that’s not real, but only superficial, and certainly not helpful to others… nor myself.
Then I shut down and retreat.
Until the tree finally can be heard again.
It’s a very quiet voice. But its an incredibly loving, healing, and all-powerful one…
* * *
~ sobrietytree.home.blog, 6 months + 29 days; image is my own, as taken while leaning back on tree. 10:13. left off journalling part before. now added back in. argh… see, this journal-to-blog thing doesn’t work. 12:07 made private. fuckety fuck. 12:23 removed intro again. Still private. Cray-cray. Quit time. 2019-11-16 09:07: returning to tree. the tree says let it be. making public.