6+26 – hard road or surrender

08:21. have done exercises and went for run, in the mist and in the pre-dawn dark. that felt brave. cows didn’t wake up when I ran by. came home did a bunch of biz email and banking stuff online. am blocked from writing. have been dealing with old fears. scared to write anything for fear I will publish it and suffer consequences.

am still addicted to words! night before last, I did the 12 steps but with OPC (other people’s content) inserted where alcohol normally is. That helped a lot; yesterday I “used” content in a sensible and self-help way rather than a desperate, clinging, let’s-see-what’s-out-there kind of way. I.e. I moderated. But, I had such withdrawal. It was like the early days of total sobriety from wine, which of course usually started with a hangover. It made me remember how it felt, to wake up a new creature, a sluggish creature, a sad creature, a psychologically alone creature.

This made me glad again, to have those post-wine mornings now 6 months and a bunch of days behind me. now having the privilege to work on word addictions and other such seemingly-silly things.

grateful to have the possibility of light and warmth to come home to, after running in the dark.

purposely not fixing my capitalization, nor lack thereof. that also feels cozy.

grateful for online friends. also for offline ones. that lovely math-teacher mom has contacted me again to meet up for another family hike. I feel so grateful for kindly persistent folks like her, those who keep reaching out to social-scaredy-cats like me. our kids are off school for two weeks (toussaints break), and T’s off work as well, so perhaps the husbands will join us this time.

worked on photo-sharing this morning too. have been neglectful with the family photos (I share photos of the kids and whatnot to overseas family) ever since my library got too large for my laptop (1T!!!) and we had to move it to an external drive. T is an Apple-lover and he shifted me from Windows over to Apple, way back when I started doing the books for his company. it was hard to get used to back then, but soon I loved it. It feels all shiny and secure and simple. I still love certain aspects of it, but not so much icloud photo-sharing now that I’m in the thick of it. icloud is insidiously easy and “free” until it becomes hard and expensive. somehow icloud got stuck with the external-drive library, and I don’t know how to shift it to the new library. T is super busy and I don’t like to bug him.

all these seemingly easy things can become hard things before we know it. maybe it’s not always best to take the easy road. you end up feeling out of control.

or is it about surrender? I don’t know. Here, I did surrender…

 

* * *

~ sobrietytree.home.blog / 6 months, 26 days

 

 

21 thoughts on “6+26 – hard road or surrender

  1. Ooh first to leave a comment. Goodee. Shows what a busy day I’m not having! Your day sounds good, starting with a run and then getting all James Joyce with your absence of capitals- good on yer! Funny mentioning Apple etc as I now use Apple but yesterday had to design some tickets and used Word on a friend’s PC and realised how much I prefer Word to Pages. Oh well. And Apple do suck you in! Enjoy the rest of your day, and fuck the fears, write it anyway. (he says having deliberately not written certain things himself!) Jim x

    Liked by 2 people

      1. p.s. feel like I should mention, in light of the contents of my post, that didn’t mean to say that yours was a “biz” email, obvs. Moving on to friends’ ones now. As you can see, I’m a bit far behind. My bad. :))

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  2. hahahaha “getting all James Joyce” πŸ™‚ You guys brought light into my North American morning today πŸ™‚ Happy Toussaint break Nadine !! And yes, f***ck the fears, keep being your beautiful glorious you ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol right?!?! James Joyce I wish. πŸ˜†So lovely to see you here, my dear. Thinking of your 5-foot Frenchieness lighting up people’s day over there in ‘merica. Thanks for the Toussaint wishes. I love it so much more than Halloween. And thanks for the fear-f**cking encourgement. Yep that’s definitely what I need. Hugs sister. ❀︎ 😘😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a creative person! I think creative people always are thinking, wondering, and yes, sometimes a bit fearful of showing their beauty to to world!
    So shine on!
    Through caution to the wind!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

      1. oh!! actually I love “through caution to the wind!!” you are a true poet, Wendy! πŸ’›πŸ˜˜πŸ™πŸ˜ and thank you so very much!! with you as inspiration, I can certainly try. :))))

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s nice when someone takes you under their wing, intuitively understands that the social aspect is hard for you and compensates accordingly. I have a friend like that. I’ve forgotten how special it is to wake up without a hangover. This has become my new normal and now I’m bitchy just because I’m awake. I need to try to remember that next time I’m grumping around in the morning.

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    1. “and now I’m bitchy just because I’m awake.” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚lol!!!
      and yes, to those wonderful friends who compensate accordingly… balance is nice. Cheers to remembering your old hangovers tomorrow morning. πŸ˜‰

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  5. Well, I’ve finally come by to see you ST. Love this post and all small case letters! Wish we were neighbors so we could do an early morning run together! Good to read you again and hopefully you’ll inspire me to visit the blogosphere more often. Maybe even write a post!.
    Thank you so much for your caring words and checking in at WTW! I’m sorry to disappoint by not making a post but I have no patience to write…..but I should be writing. So much has happened in the last 6 months- hard, dark, gut wrenching stuff and now the good seems to be rising up from all the work. Through it all, I didn’t even think about drinking. A sober miracle. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Elizabeth, I feel so happy now… thank you so much for this visit… I’d been wondering how you were doing and missed you so much… and your posts as well. I’m so sorry to hear that such dark and difficult stuff has been happening, but so glad to hear that the good is rising up through the mud at last… I feel a bit the same at the moment. Wonderful to hear that you didn’t even think about drinking. That is indeed a sober miracle. β€οΈŽπŸ™ I do find it so incredibly helpful to write, even if just in a journal, and also, I’ve recently found, to new friends online… “the truth sets us free” as they say, but most particularly, I’m finding, when shared with another kindred spirit. Thanks so much again, and (selfishly) hope to see you more often, or whenever you’re up for it, in the blogosphere. Hugs xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

        1. So very glad about this. ❀️Just read your “almost 1 year post” and could relate to some of that for sure. Thanks again for all your light, encouragement and inspiration. πŸ˜‡βœ¨πŸ™

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Love the pre-dawn workout. It just gets the day off on the right foot. I went to the gym this morning and now I know that if I get nothing else done for the rest of the day, at least I did that. Oh and I made my bed. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right?!? I prioritize exercise before other stuff now. It helps so much with my mood and my ability to think rationally and calmly for the rest of the day, instead of veering toward inner calamity. Plus, it’s nice to fit well in my favourite jeans again, hehe. That’s just a side-bonus though. And yes, for making the bed! πŸ˜βœ… I like to tick that box too. :))) πŸ˜„πŸ˜Š

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  7. I love reading your posts. It reminds me that every day is a blessing. Whether it’s 1 day, 6 months or 31 years, we all have to face the day. The choice on how I face the day is mine. Am I fear based or faith based? Some days it’s a coin toss but most days I have faith that it will be better.

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    1. Oh, how lovely to hear! Thank you so much Bryan. ❀︎ I love reading your posts too, wonderful reminders. And yes, great question to check in with indeed, and nice to hear that even you have a “coin toss feeling” now and then. 31 years, wow!!

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