08:21. have done exercises and went for run, in the mist and in the pre-dawn dark. that felt brave. cows didn’t wake up when I ran by. came home did a bunch of biz email and banking stuff online. am blocked from writing. have been dealing with old fears. scared to write anything for fear I will publish it and suffer consequences.
am still addicted to words! night before last, I did the 12 steps but with OPC (other people’s content) inserted where alcohol normally is. That helped a lot; yesterday I “used” content in a sensible and self-help way rather than a desperate, clinging, let’s-see-what’s-out-there kind of way. I.e. I moderated. But, I had such withdrawal. It was like the early days of total sobriety from wine, which of course usually started with a hangover. It made me remember how it felt, to wake up a new creature, a sluggish creature, a sad creature, a psychologically alone creature.
This made me glad again, to have those post-wine mornings now 6 months and a bunch of days behind me. now having the privilege to work on word addictions and other such seemingly-silly things.
grateful to have the possibility of light and warmth to come home to, after running in the dark.
purposely not fixing my capitalization, nor lack thereof. that also feels cozy.
grateful for online friends. also for offline ones. that lovely math-teacher mom has contacted me again to meet up for another family hike. I feel so grateful for kindly persistent folks like her, those who keep reaching out to social-scaredy-cats like me. our kids are off school for two weeks (toussaints break), and T’s off work as well, so perhaps the husbands will join us this time.
worked on photo-sharing this morning too. have been neglectful with the family photos (I share photos of the kids and whatnot to overseas family) ever since my library got too large for my laptop (1T!!!) and we had to move it to an external drive. T is an Apple-lover and he shifted me from Windows over to Apple, way back when I started doing the books for his company. it was hard to get used to back then, but soon I loved it. It feels all shiny and secure and simple. I still love certain aspects of it, but not so much icloud photo-sharing now that I’m in the thick of it. icloud is insidiously easy and “free” until it becomes hard and expensive. somehow icloud got stuck with the external-drive library, and I don’t know how to shift it to the new library. T is super busy and I don’t like to bug him.
all these seemingly easy things can become hard things before we know it. maybe it’s not always best to take the easy road. you end up feeling out of control.
or is it about surrender? I don’t know. Here, I did surrender…
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~ sobrietytree.home.blog / 6 months, 26 days