12:33 Have been getting a lot of work done today. Also had a lovely call with a beloved family member that was long overdue.
There were a lot of tech-related things I’d been putting off for years, due to overwhelm and lack of knowledge, combined with a touch of laziness, and in the past week I’ve been working towards getting them done.
Last weekend I experienced some kind of nervous breakdown the likes of which I couldn’t remember ever having before. It brought a lot of things into clarity, however. Value system affirmed (for me personally; not saying this is the be-all and end-all for anyone else with different circumstances):
- Family relationships — develop them/maintain them
- Face-to-face (i.e. IRL) friendships — develop them/maintain them
- Protect privacy as reasonably as possible, though of course, privacy these days is often an illusion
- Social media is smoke and mirrors; fine if it helps stay in touch with nearest and dearest but certainly don’t waste time on it (“likes/follows” are illusions); it should take the minimal amount of time in a day
- Household tasks: make lists, do get them done, they ultimately make a good life.
- Money: it’s important to have enough money to feel free to have the basic things without stress: food, shelter, clothing, basic comforts, rest and relaxation, education, entertainment. Beyond that, more money doesn’t make you happier. Any of us can see this time and time again by simply looking around.
- Deal with problems in a thoughtful way as they arise (don’t keep putting off solutions).
An example for number 7 — problems with kids and their school experience (possible bullying etc) — I have faced a couple of these head-on quite recently, and they have since alleviated. It’s always scary to draw attention to unpleasant things, especially from a child’s perspective, because one can become afraid that they might then worsen. But in this case, I’d regret something I hadn’t done more than something I’d done to stand up for any or all of the kids in the school. So far my intervention has had positive results. Keeping fingers crossed it will continue thus. If not I will go back, again and again. Worst case we will change schools, but then the problem remains for the kids left behind, which is why I will keep going back before doing any such thing. Those in charge need to know that something needs to change.
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Oh right, was going to talk about marriage. That’s what my title said, anyway.
So. A few facts:
- I love my husband, and greatly admire his good qualities; quite honestly I don’t think I could have ever “done better” in choosing a life partner for myself.
- I spent a long time deciding upon him as a life partner. I believe it was the same for him in my direction, though he is far more decisive and thus more efficient (he planned out what he wanted long in advance, when he saw these qualities in someone, he went for that person). Took me longer to “come around” (several years, basically).
- As much as I resisted the institution of marriage in the younger years of my life, I like solid monogamy as a relationship and family-raising model, it works for me. I went into it understanding pros and cons.
- Although I believe in “soul-mate” models, I also believe that there are not just one but many potential “soul-mates” out there for each of us.
- I “chose my love” (as he chose me — it was in fact “love at first sight” for both of us, though it took us ages to act on it) and after spent some serious time and thought confirming it was in fact love and not just lust, I fully intended (and continue to intend) to “love my choice.”
- I knew his “weaknesses” as well as his “strengths” very well, by the time we married. I loved his strengths enough to know that the weaknesses needed to go hand-in-hand with those, and so I could live with them.
- My husband and I have different ways of thinking and acting but we both agree that honesty is the best policy, even when it feels scary. This is the glue that has united us for nearly 25 years, even spanning an early (pre-marital) breakup (—my idea—) in which we never saw each other nor communicated (—his idea).
- He considers himself to be an introvert while I believe myself to be an ambivert. I have more social needs than he does. I can’t get all my social needs met through my relationship with him, nor would I imagine that to be reasonable. In the past year, this combined with other circumstances (e.g. attempted continuous sobriety, to fight mounting anxiety and other mood issues, perhaps related to peri-menopause) has resulted in me blogging my heart and soul to the world-wide interwebs.
- Between the two of us, I believe I am the social link between both of our families as well as many friends, including his. I believe he benefits from this even though he claims to be an introvert. So although my semi-social nature can at times be seen as a bane from the introvert perspective, it also can be seen as a benefit, not just to me but to our entire family.
- We don’t always see eye-to-eye on things, but we both have similar viewpoints on politics, religion and other potentially divisive topics.
- I don’t like his way of doing certain things and he doesn’t like mine sometimes.
- We drive each other batty every now and then. But so far we both put the needs of our family as a whole before any one of us as individuals.
Well, that’s all I have to say on that topic for now.
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Not sure why I have this compulsion to blog rather than journal privately.
I tried journalling privately and then it just didn’t always feel worthwhile. I always wanted to be brave enough to blog.
I guess I learned so much from reading other folks’ blogs, and it helped me so much to feel less “alone” in the world, that my inner karma machine has me attempting to do the same, no matter how much my Inner Critic is telling me that everything I have to say is “nothing new” and “useless spew” and so on.
There is also the social aspect. I feel a connection with those of you who respond in some way. I love reading your own personal stories and I love the feeling of fraternity/sorority this story-sharing generates. “Solidarity,” is what the French call it. We are “solid” in our united outlook on a particular topic, we support each other, we thereby uplift one another when we have not found that support elsewhere, for whatever reason.
* * *
In recent weeks I felt my words on both blogs, but particularly my other blog, were being attacked. Because words seem to form so much a part of who I am, that made it feel like *I* was being attacked. It was quite subtly done; someone would “like” or comment on my piece, I would as usual check out their blog out of curiosity, and to reciprocate-read/like, but find myself staring at a newly-generated, pseudonymed blog which seemed to have been created specifically to mock mine by twisted mimicry, or cause torment by means of particular imagery (both graphical and textual). There was not just one such blog but at least several. I watched as these blogs suddenly morphed from a few short posts to a huge list of posts that they had backdated, made to look as though they’d been established months or even years ago. At first I thought I was seeing things. But the more I saw, the clearer it became. And then, the muddier it became.
I didn’t know whom to trust anymore, online.
I have no idea if it was “all in my mind” or not. It hardly matters, since it felt real. I don’t want to go into detail but it traumatized me. I felt that I had compromised my privacy and that of my family in the amount of detail I’d gone into on my blog; thus possibly I’d compromised our safety. Yet detail is what matters most to me as a reader. Without details we are mere automatons.
I confided everything to my family, and my husband and I had some disagreements on the topic. Understandably, he doesn’t understand why it’s even an issue. “Just stop.” Or, if not stop, then “Just ignore.” i.e. Block and never look. Never attempt to reciprocate. Don’t take chances.
I’m actually incredibly grateful to him for this. To me he is rock solid. He had such a comparatively hard childhood that he really expects very little out of life and just gets on with things. Ever-efficient and action-oriented. To me he’s the real-life version of the guy in Die Hard. Except a bit hotter. (No offence, Bruce Willis.)
At first I thought he was right on this issue. Then I thought he was wrong. Etc. Etc.
Now I’m in some kind of aftermath state.
I love certain blogs here on WP. This means I also feel I love the persons or personas behind them.
But are they real? As real as me? Am I real?
What is real? Does it matter? What will I choose to believe?
Ultimately, when in doubt, habit-energy takes over.
In fact, I tend to love most people I meet in life. As Pa Larkin said in the Darling Buds of May, I only dislike people who for some reason don’t seem to like me, or who don’t seem to like others. Something like that. Lol.
I relate in so many ways to Pa Larkin. Not least in his love for a good tipple on just about any occasion. (Make that a double lol.)
My habit energy is to love, and to believe that people are who they say they are.
My inner Critic (which of course is a melding of certain real-life people I’ve encountered throughout my life) tells me this is naive, and pure stupidity, and what got me into any trouble I’ve ever previously experienced.
But still, I find myself choosing love.
And hoping that in the words of Glennon Doyle and others,
* * *
6 months, 12 days
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