17:18 Before sunrise, had a conversation to end all similar conversations, and began a new chapter. Everything was said and finally, finally, I understood and forgave myself. That was thanks to the lack of understanding in the other. It reminded me of why and how I’d begun all of this.
In accepting the fact that apart from the children (and perhaps including the children, one day), I had only myself, in the end, I was able to accept all others.
When illusions are shattered then finally we have to decide upon new ones. To live without them is impossible, at least for me and perhaps others as determined as I am to believe in good but also in Truth prevailing.
Later, observing the barren stubs of grass in the muddying field of the horses. The donkey and the largest horse, standing at the fence, puffing steam in the morning chill. Extending soft noses outward. To see the hand of a child reaching up, up, gently, gently, patting and patting. Great sad-seeming eyes looking down upon the child and upon me, against the verdant background of neighbouring fields. But there was a swath of corn nearby; the smaller, brown horse had jumped over and wandered freely in it, no longer starving.
By afternoon much had been accomplished. Walnuts collected and lain to dry, apples also. Paperwork months overdue finally printed and sent. Family teamwork and dogged effort. In the end, life is best lived as a series of tasks, most of the time.
Yesterday I drank half a bottle of AF wine. I mostly drink herb tea or water or coffee these days. But yesterday I felt I needed the Bonne Nouvelle. I’m drinking the rest today.
Words have a profound effect on me. Your words have helped me a lot. More than I can say. Thank you.
Six months, 10 days.