Dear, dear friends, new friends, I love you and I have missed you. Yesterday I nearly gave it all up. I so badly yearned for a drink; for old friends; for auld lang syne.
lol. but seriously.
Something has happened which shook me to the core and completely upset my world.
I felt vulnerable, exposed, and unsure of everything. EVERYTHING.
At the apex (or pit) of this I could not even write.
Writing has been my way of expressing myself, my way of finding a voice that makes sense.
Some entity/ies have been attacking that voice.
Even writing this is difficult.
I know it may be attacked as well.
But I wanted to write to you, sobriety friends… to reach out yet again.
I want to tell you how I made it through that urge to drink and smoke, in case it helps you, too.
I used the old AA one-day-only adage. I made an agreement with myself that I could drink the next day, and/or the next day after that, and for the rest of my life if I wanted to, or perhaps just in old age, whatever; but I could not drink this one day. Even if I believed it was the end of the world as I knew it.
Guess what? I made it through that one day.
Surprisingly, to me at least, the world did not in fact end.
Here I am now. 6 months plus 8 days, still sober.
And then, on this day, someone offered me a drink. First time in ages (I don’t get out much). First thing in the morning, no less. I hadn’t yet mentally renewed my commitment. It was early, and I hadn’t thought opportunity would knock so quickly.
I’d dropped by a neighbour’s. Among some, it’s a common custom here. A splash of “eau de vie” in the coffee, first thing. “Water of life,” is the literal translation of its name. But for me, I believe, it could be water of death. When I saw it being poured into the first mug, I thought, I have not the strength to refuse. If it is poured into the second mug, what will I do?
Thank goodness, my dear, lovely neighbour, who perhaps remembered my intent, but also wanted to be a good hostess, said, “uhm… you didn’t want some as well, did you?”
and thank goodness, I heard myself say,
“No. No thanks.”
That’s all I said in answer to that question.
It was all that was necessary.
And then, we talked for two hours straight, about all the important stuff.
I’ve been reaching out in similar ways with others, these past few days.
What I’ve been learning is this:
Family, neighbours, community… those in fact, are the water of life. When you make time for those, make amends with those, even ask for help from those…
that is how light draws near, reseeds and blooms, even within seeming total darkness.
Thanks so much for being here now.
xo one sober person.
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