Having a seriously hard time. Want to document it for the record.
It’s very taxing, mothering, attempting to do it “right.”
To not use technology as a soother, when you yourself are addicted.
I use my tech to read and write. But it’s still an addiction, and I feel drawn to it even when I’m not using it. It interferes with my concentration. I’m not proud of it; I’m being honest. I also know that it’s a global problem, not just my own. It makes me want to help somehow. The urge to help feels urgent.
I know, Jim said to use pen and paper
but I don’t know if I can revert. Typing is a true meditation for me. I don’t think it’s the problem. It’s the social aspect of it, that’s at once scary and comforting.
I’m in a state of feeling cracked open again emotionally/spiritually.
But also in a state of panic.
The two seem to go hand and hand, alternating with one another.
the youngest wanted to read The Three Billy Goats Gruff.
I’m not a huge fan of reading it, I’ve read it so many times before.
He loves it and
who am I writing to.
I don’t know anymore.
I talked to the Tree.
outside, around her, stars were beginning to glimmer.
Two jet paths formed a giant X in the sky to her right. Two planes whose trajectories had passed at some point in the past. Neither one had known the other nor touched in anyway, except in the form of vapour in air. They’d been going different directions, within the same gorgeous dimension.
I asked Tree many questions as I cried again.
(I lately find myself in tears every time I have a moment to myself.)
She basically told me that I can give it all up. All these side-things that demand attention. That they don’t matter at all really, in the big scheme of things, and something always comes along to fill any void one leaves; that’s the beauty of this mandelbrot universe. What matters most of all, is being Present. With those real beings in your real, physical vicinity.
Your partner, your kids, your household, your neighbours.
But, I’m an addict. I do keep upgrading my addictions,
but it’s hard. The urge to hit publish on anything and everything has become so strong. I have written reams, these past days; entries like eggs in a basket, but filled with fertilized life, trying to hatch themselves
oh I don’t know.
that metaphor doesn’t work.
but happy I am alcohol free, tobacco free, and that I take no other drugs nor medication besides coffee, which I’m thinking of weaning myself from again, as well. happy that although sometimes, when things are really rough, I do get the urge to drink, but the urge is easily battled. we get stronger every time. tomorrow, I’ll have six months. I plan to keep going. I plan to take better care of myself. I plan to return to meditation. That was helping a lot.
I’m going to try to stop worrying so much. About the kids, about the world, about everything. A dear blogging friend’s poem I read this morning (not a sobriety blog) ended with, “worry less, my dear, it lugs no figment” (embracing awkwardness). it seems somehow nonsensical but for some reason, this funny little phrase clicked for me. perhaps it means to inherently state that worry itself is nonsensical.
falling asleep with fingers on keyboard. last night I woke up at 3:33, mozart’s requiem going through my head. that’s never a good sign. lol.
but there were lovely moments too.
the lake walk with the kids, talking to the dog-walkers and fishermen. all of us experiencing real life, inhaling and exhaling the breathe of trees, for an hour. None of us on our phones. Many talks, many questions, asked and answered. After school, badminton. In fact, I am a good mother, in a sometimes-hard world; I have to be positive about all the good things. and focus on them.
help me sleep. with sweet dreams.
(literally fell asleep there, debating whether to hit publish…)
compassion towards self. it’s the biggest thing I’m still lacking.
which doesn’t help anyone.
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching