I’m back. I’m fragile.
I’ve been mind-raped.
That’s what I imagined myself posting, and then making this blog un-private again.
But I don’t know if that’s the answer.
What I do know, is this:
I tried to spread light in the world. And I can see now, from careful, private, objective observation, over the past two days, that I did, at least a little. At least, I believe so.
But I also wanted the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. In other words, to show my own weaknesses, my own faults, my own mistakes, my own fallibility.
because that helps more people, I thought; even as I help myself.
Which became more and more difficult to do, as I felt what seemed like darkness closing in.
I felt you, specifically, reading, and writing,
judging me, and possibly messing with my mind
(whether that was
intentional, or even true, or not).
But I didn’t believe my gut instincts. I figured you must have been writing about so-and-so, maybe, or any of the others you might follow.
but then it happened. In a crazy, connective moment, I did something
I thought would bring it all to light
would make it all right.
would heal it.
bring close from far.
all while remaining where we are.
and then, in my world, you replied directly. for the first time ever.
and truly, I was so happy.
because already, in my usual, silly-but-not-silly way, I was feeling doubt about that move. That it wasn’t good enough. I keep sharing and connecting and trying to bring light, meaning, awareness, to it all. but I never seem to get it right. I keep feeling I’m doing unintentional harm, and then I intentionally try to fix it. which perhaps does more unintentional harm than good.
you, I believe, are less prone to that. Which is something I admire in you. you have strength, resilience, you write from the heart and you don’t ever (seem to, at least) self-edit. which is in fact more truthful, in a different, upwardly-growing instead of spiralling way, perhaps, and holds its own kind of honour; one which I here recognize. and hope to uphold, or cradle, just as I hope to uphold, or cradle, the honour, and good intent, in my own, more spiralling, equally honest path.
no one else had yet replied in words.
so when your reply came in, I was truly, genuinely grateful. I needed this validation, to believe it should remain alive. that it was the right thing.
that’s been my/your problem and (?? your/my solution ??) from the beginning of time.
you’ve kept this creation alive, or helped keep it so, along with others, just by giving attention when it was so badly wanted (or perhaps — I don’t know? — needed). I’m so grateful to you for that. Really and truly. I don’t agree with everything you say, nor do you always agree with me,
but I am grateful for all you give to the world, in your own way.
and then, the minute I replied to your reply,
I checked your space, partly out of gratitude, partly out of curiosity, and reciprocation, as usual,
and saw you
(in my mind at least.)
and realized that all my “virtual”(/real) friends could also now see you raping me.
(in my mind at least. and maybe in theirs.)
and how much that could hurt us all. and destroy us all.
(in my mind at least.)
and I felt like… like… I don’t know how to describe it. Like hatred was f*cking me, and worst of all, my family, while calling me a “wh*re.” (your word. a word which is not uttered here, in this, my home. nor has it ever been.)
and all the while, hatred was thinking (very wrongly, in my mind, at least) that that was an act of love.
That’s how it felt.
And I got very, very scared. Not just for me, but for everyone.
And I disappeared.
and I told my family all and everything,
all the sides as I saw them,
dark and light and spectrums in between
and they loved and supported me, each
in their own way.
and I thought
maybe you don’t have
that kind of support
in the real world.
and now I see you out there, literally asking for love, and thinking hatred is outside of you, and yet you’ve (in my mind) propagated an act of hate, and so the hatred you need to fix is really inside of you, not outside.
but I see you feeling so alone. and seemingly lost. and hopeless. and seemingly helpless. (though you’re not, and you must know that.)
and I can’t stand seeing anyone suffer. no one. no one at all. helpless or not.
and I realize that I can’t go on in this real world with any hatred or fear inside of me.
so I’ve removed it from my body, both physical and mental
and I’ve replaced it with love. for this moment at least.
please treat it carefully
and know that it is universal,
and that I have it for everyone
but most of all for my life-partner and kids
and nothing can replace that.
they are my sacred circle.
no matter what happens,
will always exist
in my universal karmic awareness.
and thank you, for all the true acts of love
(ones that do no lust-nor-rage-nor-fear-driven harm)
you have ever given anyone
in your life.
all the ones that have helped me and so many others
and grow and thrive.
keep going, keep shining, keep loving
but as you yourself have said
be careful with your words
and how you use them
for they have real, massive power
and they can do terrible damage.
be careful to judge yourself
more harshly than you judge others.
and I, “my friend” (if you in fact are one — and if you are one to me, you must be one to everyone, as I aim to be — at least that is my hope),
difficult though it is,
and as much as I might fail along the way,
I will try my best, to do the same.
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and [n/stl edit: perceived] enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
private post, while blog was in private mode (since 2019-09-22), set to visible, 2019-09-27 23:42. edit 2019-10-15 18:56: ripped off the band-aid part at the end. this post was made private again at some point in recent history along with almost all other posts from the past. meanwhile, yesterday and today, repeated mind-rape continues under guise of open love. here-alleged virtual-rapist targets married women with children and implicates husbands as imaginary willing accomplices/witnesses who call targets disrespectful, unloving names. unfollowed once again. 2020-03-14 – public. let truth and love prevail while they can.