(yesterday) 19:56 Having a bit of a hard time in my head. I’m struggling, and for nothing ultimately important. For some reason I am still yearning outwards, much as I know I need to retreat inwards.
I believe it’s a good thing though. Maybe it’s a bit of blending, or unifying. All my (online?) personality bits perhaps becoming one.
I’m not happy with wherever my writing’s gone. It left the building and went shouting in a field. To any passerby. Just shouting! I’m not a fan of that. No-one is served that way, not even me. My own shouting hurts my ears.
I want to share with you this amazing free video series by Eckhart Tolle. I have mentioned him before, here: https://bloomwords.com/2019/01/22/transcription-wine-eckhart-gautam/
I follow him on Instagram. Perhaps that’s why an ad for his newest course flashed up for me, with an email sign-up link for some free videos. When I saw it, I didn’t hesitate the way I usually do, for “free” offers, these past years. I signed up immediately. I love Eckhart. Plus, he’s a fellow former/sometimes-Vancouverite. :))
What he says in the videos is the usual manifestation-and-mindfulness kind of thing, but with his own lovely personal style. The videos are only about seven minutes long, and there are five of them. He talks about how his book “The Power of Now” was manifested. (I haven’t read that book yet. The way I came to know of his work was by coming across his earlier book “A New Earth,” in a second-hand shop a few years back.)
Anyway, wanted to share the link to the free videos, in case you’d like to watch them too. I’m sure Eckhart wouldn’t mind, since of course the videos lead to promotion for his new course: Here it is:
(Hope it works. Note: try Safari, if the videos don’t work for you in Chrome, as was the case for me.)
(today) 17:25 Not sure if I will take the course (“Consciousness Manifestation with Eckhart Tolle”). It’s $297 (limited time only, soon jumps to $597 if I understood it right). I’m supposed to be finishing my MasterClasses (I have the €150/year, all-courses membership — amazing value — renewed, due to procrastination reasons)… but it’s definitely tempting. Or, perhaps these videos are enough. Yes, I think so. I have to stop buying books and courses and not finishing them! But, I love love love to support authors and artists. Even if I don’t finish their books or classes. And I don’t think that’s entirely a bad thing. We have to support the things we love if we want them to continue. These folks are spreading light in the world.
I learned that with ViJournal. I never upgraded from Lite to paid. Neither did too many others, apparently. I never even send them a thank you note! (You know how it is. You think they’re hugely successful and they get them all the time. But no. Maybe it’s lonely at the top…) Then, they disappeared. Gone into the ether. (Please come back, ViJournal…)
In other news, I had the morning uninterrupted, since my husband took the kids out for a few hours, I got into such a good, relaxed mood, and…
some strange path led me to link to this blog through my other blog.
yes I just wrote that, in tiny letters, with no fanfare.
I’m still not sure if it was the right thing to do.
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Could it have been Eckhart’s influence? After just a few semi-distracted minutes of listening to his lovely talking head? (I was in the computer-slash-sewing room with the kids, while watching it. They staunchly refuse to watch these types of things, but nothing stops me from playing it loudly on my own computer, while they’re in the same room, and shopping for transcription foot-pedals on Amazon, at the same time…)
Notes to self:
At first, after publishing that post, I felt great. (It’s all coming together! It’s almost like I’m one person, online!) Then I felt neutral. Then, holy-sh*t-what-have-I-done. Then, neutral. Then, holy-sh*t-what-have I done. And so on…
Oh god. Just remembered. There’s still LinkedIn. (In a strange moment, I recently updated my complete, real-name job title to be “Failed Freelancer.” WTF.)
(Ok, now I’ve fixed it a little…. added a bit of a “mom and wife” disclaimer…)
I’m actually supposed to be going camping tonight, on my own. The last time I was away from the family for more than a few hours was…. when? I can’t remember? Ah yes, January, last year. Two nights. My husband is fine with it (he could finally keep the light on as long as he wants, AND sleep with all the skylights wide open. At the same time. Bugs, dude! A thousand bugs will come in!). The kids are fine with it (means I won’t be picking the family movie).
So I don’t know why I can’t get out the door… it’s not just fear of things, it’s indecision about which campsite, how far, what to bring… I know, it’s ridiculous.
It’s also a reluctance to give this to myself. Here at home, even if I’m taking time to do things for myself, I’m always on demand, always interruptable, always available… and something in me feels that I should be that way.
And, it’s also reluctance to possibly be away from Wifi.
I know that’s insane. But… alone? Without Wifi?
Holy sh*t. Is that my problem?
I don’t want to face myself.
I don’t want to be out of my controlled environment. Both physically and virtually.
And that leads me to stare at the other thing: Camping, for me, was synonymous with enjoying an alcoholic beverage or five. First things first, set up camp. Second things second. Open the bottle, pour a glass. (Or the beer, or the cider, in younger days.)
I have no more urge to drink alcoholic drinks here, at home, in my controlled environment.
But I might have the urge to drink wine there, by myself, at a campsite.
No wine… and no wifi?!?!? No friends? No family? What the hell. I’d have to face myself.
I’d have to live with myself.
(And why can’t I? I’m just a normal person. I’m basically just your average semi-evolved chimp.)
Basically, I’d have to face my case of “not good enough.” I’d have to think of all I’d said and done online, and have no feedback coming at me, no ability to adapt to it, to add to it, to subtract from it, to improve upon it, to read what online friends and acquaintances were saying, to see how they’re doing…
I’m afraid of feeling *disconnected.*
I’m afraid that if I go camping (i.e. no museums, no shopping, no wifi, no writers’s social media), I will…. OMG…. be bored. (This coming from a nature-lover… how is this even possible?)
Basically, this is the state of the world. Even here, in the countryside, I see people walking by, near the schools, in the grocery store, always looking at their phones. You know, like in that Stromae video:
(Note: you don’t need to understand the French lyrics. The images tell all. But please know that Stromae’s lyrics and music are brilliant every which way.)
I’ve become…. an addict. The dreaded phone addict. Laptop addict. Social media addict. (“But it’s writers’ and bloggers’ social media!” Says my media-hound. “It’s still social media, though, dog…”) I never, ever thought it would happen to me… I resisted the smartphone for so long. Still keep a piece of electrical tape over the selfie-cam. But here I am…
17:36 I want to tell this sweet little story about the other day. When I moderated. With my phone I mean. In fact, I wrote about 3200 words the other day, trying to get this story, and I keep spinning around it. I don’t know why. It’s not even a big deal. Except that to me, it was…
18:53 Still spinning…
p.s. yup I know. first world problems. but, sharing the love…
p.p.s. image: the tree. by me. the smartphone addiction all started because I wanted to use my phone as a camera…