Ice cream thoughts

06:46 Getting real.

I am in one of my old journals right now. Vijournal. This app, sadly now defunct, was one of the things that unlocked me four and a half years ago, when after nearly two decades of feeling blocked, I unleashed a daily torrent of words that now rarely stops.

Oh dear. Already I’ve sidetracked. Welcome to my brain. I am not here to talk about journalling apps. Yet I kind of always am. Every time I write something I yearn for others to be able to do the same. So sometimes I get overly caught up in details and then the original point was lost.

But I came here to talk about yesterday’s post.

Yesterday’s post was yet another one, that, more often than not these days, gave me a giant knot in my forehead by the time I hit “publish.”

It started out as a seven-minute post, not much more than the length of what I’d written above. It started at 21:47, just after I’d finished helping one of my sons with his school presentation (which I had suddenly become aware of — guess when? — on the ride home from school, though he’d known about it since last week — I do not blame him, for how can I? I am guilty of the same levels of procrastination).

I had planned a nice evening of cooking dinner, jumping around in the plunge pool, and writing a lovely happy sobriety blog post about what a gorgeous and happy morning I’d had. Instead, during a moment in the van while waiting for one of the kids to get out of school (their exit times are staggered a bit, it’s all very complicated, god do I ever miss the Canadian system in that way), I started binging on (writers’) social media and could not stop. I do know partly why this is. The kids after school are challenging. Understandably so. They’ve just come out of massively stressful social and performance-testing situations and they need to unwind. Basically it’s mayhem. I think I automatically tap into my phone to soothe myself in the midst of it (even knowing it’s bad while I’m doing it! I can’t stop myself!). But that only makes the situation worse. It makes no sense but it makes so much sense. I think any of you here can probably relate. Most of us have done it with booze or some other drug (including nicotine, caffeine, work, etc.) at some point in the past. Even those who call themselves “normal.”

So the kids are basically climbing all over the van and I’m helping them memorize poetry and signing permission slips and writing notes to teachers and fielding questions about ice cream and occasionally checking my phone for a hit and then finally the third son comes out and asks if they can play minecraft when they get home and I say no and then he says he has this presentation due tomorrow and I’m like oh my god and then we’re driving to the grocery store and picking out the ice creams I promised and the little one is asking for anything besides-and-except ice cream to have as well but I’ve already explained that there will be nothing but ice cream, there will be no mentos there will be no toys there will be no gumballs from the 20 eurocents machine there will be nothing but ice cream. Got it? Got it. Okay, so we have a deal. And we go in. But the youngest kid wants ben and jerry’s cookie dough and I’m like no there’s six of us and ben and jerry’s is too expensive to justify since it’s just a tiny little tub and we’re having these cones, those cones or this tub and I know he likes all of those types and it will be fine when we get home I just have to get past this awful-about-to-come moment and we just need to get out of here while there’s half an hour of sun left so we can get into that pool because the weather is so gorgeous it’s ridiculous and you’ve got to splash while the sun shines and it was so much work to install this wonderful little pool and soon we will have to drain it for the winter so I really really want to swim in the sun and I imagine myself just getting into the water and floating and it will feel so good but my littlest boy keeps whining about this other ice cream now this one’s pistachio and none of us likes pistachio except him and I know he loves chocolate-and-vanilla swirl and I know he loves salted caramel cones and the rest of us will probably love those too and look there is a deal it’s half price for two boxes and so hey I’m getting 16 cones for €5.20 instead of one little tub of b&j’s for €5.69 and it’s not like we’re cash-poor anymore we actually have money but this is why we have money it’s partly because we worked our asses off when we were in our twenties and thirties (and in many ways we still are working our asses off) and partly because we don’t waste it* and I’m trying to teach them these values and so holy shit here comes the whining and then oh crap here we are at the checkout and oh my god it’s the same cashier that always sees him whining and… jeezus, what do I hear myself whisper to him? but the following:

“now please, just be friendly to her, come out of your ice cream thoughts and smile at her, don’t think about yourself all the time. look, she’s working so hard, what will she think, how will she feel?”

and holy shit I’ve become my mother.

and I love my mother and would never wish for another mother

but fuck do I wish I could stop smiling when I’m not happy

and stop caring so much about what others think or feel.

07:14 this was not what I meant to write about. and now I have to go.

I have blocked myself from wordpress via SelfControl app but I wrote this for you, with you in mind, and I hope I still have the guts to publish it later.

I promise, I promise self, I will not edit it. Why? because I can’t bear the awful loop that self-editing throws me into.

It’s damaging. I can’t manage it.

Love,

Nadine

 

 

*Edit: of course, the unnamed (and in that thought-train, irrelevant) part was situational luck. or maybe karmic progression/regression… whatever that extra little something is, that’s beyond our seeming control. (damn, now I’ve edited…)

24 thoughts on “Ice cream thoughts

  1. Well done Nadine for publishing. Editing is ok if it’s about making small improvements but sounds like for you it’s about never feeling something is good enough and that’s when it can be damaging. When you write what’s real and it’s honest, then that’s more than good enough. Your writing feels cathartic and that should be beyond editing. What I want to know is how do you not edit and not make silly spelling mistakes? I’m jealous 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Me again, tried to leave a comment on “astronaut” bu5 for some reason I couldn’t, so here’s my comment for that post. It’s simple, DON’T BE SO BLOODY HARD ON YOURSELF! Im trying the subtle approach. Seriously you beat yourself up for essentially being kind, sensitive, caring, responsive, reaching out, wanting to connect. These are all wonderful qualities that this world needs more of, not less. So please carry on, you give so much to so many people on this blogging space and I’m guessing in the physical world. Love yourself please, because we all do! There that’s your telling off for the day. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah Jim, you are so kind! I have to admit, I turned comments off to avoid people feeling like they had to “save” me, but here I am with a tear in my eye, rueful-gladly feeling “saved.” Hugs. Truly it means a lot. 💛

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I agree with what Jim wrote! I completely understand editing and constantly write comments and re-read them or think it’s not said correctly and then I’m like “Come on Jackie, just write the comment already!” Anyway like Jim said that you write what’s real and honest! We appreciate that so much. I use Facebook and notice my friends post lovey family kid pictures and get tons of “likes.” They as I have learned in Facebook land ( maybe it’s my age also ) those posts get the most likes so that’s all they post and all is well in their lovey dovey land. ( Is dovey a word even? 😂 ) Anyway I love those posts too but say I throw in a sarcastic post or anything different, it gets much less likes. Kind of annoying. Like one morning I posted a pretty picture of this wall above a bedroom bed headboard and in beautiful cursive writing they had on their wall “Make today your Bitch.” Damn I thought that was funny, didn’t go over so well. 😂 Anyway I am totally rambling off track here and decided not to edit this comment just like you did with your post, but you write so much better! 😊 😘 Also-your ice cream after school portion is so relatable, especially with younger kids!! You’re doing awesome!! Try not to be so hard on yourself friend! 😘😘😘 😍😍😍 😊😊😊 🏆 🏆🏆

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Make today your Bitch.” Jackie… you have me sputtering with tears of laughter. You are wrong. I don’t write better. Your comment is genius through and through. I absolutely love you. Thanks so much. 😂😍😍😂😆💛😘🙏❤︎😆❤️👏🎉🙌

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I need to edit more. I’m not at all happy with what I posted yesterday and it gives me an anxiety ping every time someone comments on it. I write really early in the morning before I’m fully aware and publish without reading back over it so it’s a real filterless glimpse into my crazy mind sometimes.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg! I love this! That’s me too, exactly… thanks for making me feel less weird. I haven’t seen or read your post yet… now, not sure if I should? ;)) Don’t want to cause an anxiety ping… often I “take things down” (i.e. set them to “private”) for a bit, if they are causing me too much anxiety (and thus interfering with productive time)… that might seem odd. Later I almost always make them public again… it’s just like you said, when it’s fresh it’s fresh, and it feels really like it’s exposing our deepest selves. Which it pretty much is.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I thought about taking it down or making it private, but a lot of the reason I posted it was to help me start to get over that fear so that would have made it a waste. I’m glad I left it up now because I feel way better today.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Nadine, I am going to have to side with Jim on this one: DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF 🙂 Or in other terms, being a generous compassionate and caring person does NOT make you a hungry ghost (believe me, I have been dealing with the same fear, and am only just learning how to draw the line between “co-dependent savior syndrome/addict” and “it’s ok to help and do kind things for others and it’s ok to be kind to yourself. oh, and IT’S OK, like, just in general” 🙂 You are a really generous person and people can tell you that without wanting to “save” you, and inversely, you being kind (to all beings, including yourself^^) does not mean that you have to pathologically sacrifice yourself to save the world 🙂 I want to thank you sincerely for posting your last two posts (the icecream one was so beautifully written and had such a wonderful rhythm and flow, I LOVED it and am so glad you left it like it was: it was PERFECT and needed zero editing ! i.e. you and your first drafts are perfect, just as they are 🙂 no tweaking necessary 🙂 ) and tell you that I’m sorry that sometimes you seem to find it hard to deal with the addictive dimension of blogging (I’m so new to it and I’m already feeling it! Scary stuff!) ; but I also wanted to let you know (as I am sure so many others have) that your presence here online has been a huge help for a newbie like me and I am truly grateful that you write and post all this awesome stuff and your awesome insights and beautiful descriptions of human experiences : what you are doing is MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD 🙂 So thank you Nadine ❤ and please, remember to be as kind to yourself as you are to others 😉 ——– unrelated PS : "Every time I write something I yearn for others to be able to do the same. So sometimes I get overly caught up in details and then the original point was lost" : hahahaha story of my life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “how to draw the line between “co-dependent savior syndrome/addict” and “it’s ok to help and do kind things for others and it’s ok to be kind to yourself. oh, and IT’S OK, like, just in general””

      Ohhhh….. THIS. That’s exactly it!!

      I read your beautiful comment while cutting onions, and not sure if it was the onions 😆, or my welling up of happiness and gratitude (definitely the latter, if not both 😊)… I really did get tears in my eyes… what a wonderful day this has been thanks to all of these wonderful words. It’s amazing to feel so supported by such kind and eloquent folks… Anne, I’m so very happy that you’re here now in the WP sobriety community, you make it extra awesome. Thank you!! ❤️😊😍🤩🙏💛

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is my comment to yesterday’s post… Don’t reciprocate. Read because it’s interesting, or it’s good, or you like the writer and want to learn more about them. Reciprocal reading is like going out for coffee with someone you don’t like. It doesn’t matter if they go away, let them. There’s my unsolicited advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! 😆You are the blunt bomb. I love that about you Jeff. I like the way you put it… and I was feeling much the same. However, we do have to read in order to find out if we want to read, if that makes sense? I do love to read others’ blogs… this makes it tricky. I think the main thing is that before (or while) going down the info-highway rabbit hole, I need to firmly trust my “spidey senses” in the preview pane, and certainly not follow that curious-cat urge to “chase trouble.”

      Much appreciating your “unsolicited advice,” as I have in the past; thank you so much Jeff.

      Like

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