In the spaces of monkey mind

05:56 This is craziness. Here I am again in BlogLand, against all this morning’s good intentions to abstain. I’m going to try to write my truthiest truths anyway. BE the obstacle.

Last night I decided I MUST return to journal writing. There is so much space in journal writing. I did do it some, while I was “away” from this blog (though I never truly left the blog) but not enough. I woke up this morning and I was determined not to check WP notifications, which I’m addicted to like it’s the new 0% alcohol wine. I had gone to bed last night thinking, I will finally buy and read that book, Digital Detox by Cal Newport. Yes, all these pious thoughts.

For any of you few folks out there reading this, who are *not* fellow bloggers, I will repeat that blogging is a real and true addiction. I’ve written about this many times before on this blog, my other blog — and several other blogs I’ve started and sort of left hanging. I remember that when I “crossed over” the sobriety line, mainly thanks to reading blogs like StormInAWineGlass and SoberAndWell and DrunkVSLife and ThisIsVirginiaKerr and OneDrunk’sTale, who were active on WordPress in the period while I was gearing up to choose sobriety — what I was then calling “awareness,” not liking the dark word, “sober” —

—when I crossed over the sobriety-blogger line, I did a search for “sobriety” to connect with other blogs and found SoberAsianMom, who mentioned blogging addiction. I had never seen anyone else in the blogosphere talk about it, so instantly I felt a deep kinship with SAM. Also, like me (and so many others) SAM was having the same kind of issues with dipping in and out of the attempted practice of maintained sobriety.

I think that “relapse” blogs can’t be underestimated in their power to help convert the sober-curious. Why? Because so often we see the shining example of the finish-line bloggers — nearly the only ones left standing, who *haven’t* deleted their blogs — but we don’t see the ones who keep failing, and yet, keep trying.

Funny thing is, it’s the ones who keep failing yet keep trying that most often become successful in the end.

Those of you not (yet! muahahaha) blogging: in the case of the “finish-line” blogs — i.e. ones who have achieved some kind of success or other, whether in maintained sobriety or in some other field — many of these bloggers have had many other blogs besides the one you end up seeing. Don’t imagine that they jumped from ground to cloud.

Imagine more like a helium balloon that they kept finding and grabbing onto, but that would then pop  — suddenly I’m having a vision of Mario Brothers — was it like that somehow? It was one of the only video games I remember trying and loving, as a child, just alongside MacAttack — just before they got to stand on that cloud. (Down they’d go again. Down *I’d* go again. Down *you’d* go again…)

How do we stay on that cloud. How *do* we stay on that cloud…

I’d say the answer truly is in meditation. It’s in not grabbing for the cloud, but, *being* the cloud…

Does this sound weird?

I am in the state of meditation right now.

For me, before I ever successfully learned sitting meditation,

I learned writing meditation.

I followed the Artist’s Way, and a bunch of other artist’s ways,

and I carved a moment for myself

in the dark.

A closet, or a dry bathtub filled with blankets

before sunrise

and I wrote and wrote and wrote. Just some random crap

that I was thinking and feeling.

There was no goal, other than to write

and to find out what I would say.

That is meditation.

The thoughts come and go

and we don’t judge them

or we do,

but we let the judgements slide.

Look, this looks like a poem

but it’s not a good poem

oh dear

oh no.

oh yes.

it’s fine.

If you can learn this active meditation, you can overcome

nearly anything.

It doesn’t have to be writing, it could be gardening, it could be running, it could be (maybe? I don’t know?) doing mathematical equations

down a page.

But something active, to let your body connect to your mind, and there between the spaces

you’ll find spirit.

I did not mean to write this

I’d had another goal in mind when I began

I had a bunch of things on a to-do list to say…

but none of it really matters anyway.

When I’ve arrived, in this kind of place

all I feel is love.

and then I can move on

happily

through the day.

 

 

***

06:29 xo sobrietytree/nadine

p.s. not-yet-bloggers: try it, you might like it, everybody’s doing it…  ;)))))))

p.p.s. WP friends: thank you for your wonderful likes and comments, and in some cases your blogs, which I am addicted to and love, and which have helped me replace 12% wine with something quite likely better for my health. ;)))))))

16 thoughts on “In the spaces of monkey mind

  1. They say it’s a knife edge that separates genius and madness. I’m not sure what side your on but I like it. 😉The flow. Like a crazy river bashing banks one minute and flowing tranquil the next. And somewhere in the depths of that river I see a fish, resplendent, shimmering almost translucent, enjoying the ride.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh… heart-crushingly beautiful… and knife-edged flattering 😁 🍽
      but best of all made me laugh 😆…and all I can say, based on this comment is, “methinks you’re one to talk.” 😉#takesonetoknowone 😂#blogaphoricalmirrors ;)) 🐠🐡🐟♓️🙌👆🙏🖖😊

      Like

      1. Nadine , Laughter is soooo important. I went to London yesterday to see a friend who incidentally just doesn’t drink much (one of those take it or leave it sensible drinking bastards- I hate him!) and we drank coffee and I had such a fun time. That was key for me. Great fun without booze. If I couldn’t laugh without a drink I’d start drinking again . And we are both on the genius side of that line – no doubt about it 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. “(one of those take it or leave it sensible drinking bastards- I hate him!)” LOL!!!! — another comment making me laugh. All you say is true. Thank you. Loved this anecdote too. 😄🙏👌

          Like

  2. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t deleted my “relapse blog” but then I remember how toxic and offensive it was most of the time. I was a verrrrry angry and bitter drunk. One of the “the whole world is against me” type. It’s crazy how sobriety made me do a complete 180 mentally. There is value in them, though, if you aren’t embarrassed of having it out there. Even for those of us who have been sober for a bit, it reminds us of what it was like. I think WordPress is part of the reason I don’t need A.A.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Totally! WordPress serves what I believe to be the same purpose as AA gives, for me too.
      I can totally sympathize with taking down negative stuff. Of course I have done it as well. Though I keep everything and seem to eventually make it public again over time. I think every single post and feeling is something to be considered within the moment of our personal reality and the effect it has on our own world vs/along with the rest of the world. If it’s overall positive, in that moment, then it can survive in that moment. If it has more potential negative consequences, either for us or for others, then maybe it should be taken down. Although ultimately I suppose it’s all illusions; still, to each their creative own.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the very same kinship with you! I find it very ironic that you were the very first person to reach out to me. You with your zen meditation, and yoga by the lake. My inner sober being, desires to be like that….. if that makes sense ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is so lovely… such a lovely thing to read, such a kind thing to say… and I feel a great kinship with you also. And really it was you, you followed my blog and I came to check out yours, and loved it…. flight attendant sobriety-warrior rock star mama!! :))) 😍❤️✈️💖☀️

      Like

  4. Write like the wind.

    The Artist’s Way. Love morning pages. I seem to write anytime of day. Been doing it for years. Writing is so cathartic. And you mentioned writing other blogs too. Guilty too. I would rather write than talk. The idea if sitting in a group and sharing is so awful to me, much rather write something and share it with whoever online anonymously. Instead of the unsuccessful sobriety blog I wrote it all in my morning pages.
    Meditation, tried that too. TM. Not successfully. Not forgotten but occasionally I do it. With this sobriety I think I can give it a better go.
    I don’t blog regularly but love reading posts when I make the time. The truth that is spoken is so beautiful and real. It makes life worth while. Honesty is a rare bird and I love that here.
    Single finger tapping again in bed recovering from the flu 🤧.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear LT, I love this comment! So beautiful, says it all, too. All of that, it’s exactly true. I feel the same way. Thank you. ❤️And I sincerely wish you speedy recovery from the flu! 🍵xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. wowowowow thanks for the inspiration! You reminded me that meditation happens EVERYWHERE, off the cushion. Thank you Nadine. PS. That was a truly badass stream of consciousness poem, I LOVED it !!! I am grateful that you push back the boundaries of what blog-form is supposed to look like ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.