05:56 This is craziness. Here I am again in BlogLand, against all this morning’s good intentions to abstain. I’m going to try to write my truthiest truths anyway. BE the obstacle.
Last night I decided I MUST return to journal writing. There is so much space in journal writing. I did do it some, while I was “away” from this blog (though I never truly left the blog) but not enough. I woke up this morning and I was determined not to check WP notifications, which I’m addicted to like it’s the new 0% alcohol wine. I had gone to bed last night thinking, I will finally buy and read that book, Digital Detox by Cal Newport. Yes, all these pious thoughts.
For any of you few folks out there reading this, who are *not* fellow bloggers, I will repeat that blogging is a real and true addiction. I’ve written about this many times before on this blog, my other blog — and several other blogs I’ve started and sort of left hanging. I remember that when I “crossed over” the sobriety line, mainly thanks to reading blogs like StormInAWineGlass and SoberAndWell and DrunkVSLife and ThisIsVirginiaKerr and OneDrunk’sTale, who were active on WordPress in the period while I was gearing up to choose sobriety — what I was then calling “awareness,” not liking the dark word, “sober” —
—when I crossed over the sobriety-blogger line, I did a search for “sobriety” to connect with other blogs and found SoberAsianMom, who mentioned blogging addiction. I had never seen anyone else in the blogosphere talk about it, so instantly I felt a deep kinship with SAM. Also, like me (and so many others) SAM was having the same kind of issues with dipping in and out of the attempted practice of maintained sobriety.
I think that “relapse” blogs can’t be underestimated in their power to help convert the sober-curious. Why? Because so often we see the shining example of the finish-line bloggers — nearly the only ones left standing, who *haven’t* deleted their blogs — but we don’t see the ones who keep failing, and yet, keep trying.
Funny thing is, it’s the ones who keep failing yet keep trying that most often become successful in the end.
Those of you not (yet! muahahaha) blogging: in the case of the “finish-line” blogs — i.e. ones who have achieved some kind of success or other, whether in maintained sobriety or in some other field — many of these bloggers have had many other blogs besides the one you end up seeing. Don’t imagine that they jumped from ground to cloud.
Imagine more like a helium balloon that they kept finding and grabbing onto, but that would then pop — suddenly I’m having a vision of Mario Brothers — was it like that somehow? It was one of the only video games I remember trying and loving, as a child, just alongside MacAttack — just before they got to stand on that cloud. (Down they’d go again. Down *I’d* go again. Down *you’d* go again…)
How do we stay on that cloud. How *do* we stay on that cloud…
I’d say the answer truly is in meditation. It’s in not grabbing for the cloud, but, *being* the cloud…
Does this sound weird?
I am in the state of meditation right now.
For me, before I ever successfully learned sitting meditation,
I learned writing meditation.
I followed the Artist’s Way, and a bunch of other artist’s ways,
and I carved a moment for myself
in the dark.
A closet, or a dry bathtub filled with blankets
and I wrote and wrote and wrote. Just some random crap
that I was thinking and feeling.
There was no goal, other than to write
and to find out what I would say.
That is meditation.
The thoughts come and go
and we don’t judge them
or we do,
but we let the judgements slide.
Look, this looks like a poem
but it’s not a good poem
If you can learn this active meditation, you can overcome
It doesn’t have to be writing, it could be gardening, it could be running, it could be (maybe? I don’t know?) doing mathematical equations
down a page.
But something active, to let your body connect to your mind, and there between the spaces
you’ll find spirit.
I did not mean to write this
I’d had another goal in mind when I began
I had a bunch of things on a to-do list to say…
but none of it really matters anyway.
When I’ve arrived, in this kind of place
all I feel is love.
and then I can move on
through the day.
06:29 xo sobrietytree/nadine
p.s. not-yet-bloggers: try it, you might like it, everybody’s doing it… ;)))))))
p.p.s. WP friends: thank you for your wonderful likes and comments, and in some cases your blogs, which I am addicted to and love, and which have helped me replace 12% wine with something quite likely better for my health. ;)))))))