Jeremy Bearimy and the blogitecture of time

22:18 [2019-09-09] Even if I don’t feel good about my creative output at the moment, I feel great about the house. I’ve been decluttering for several weeks now, and everything feels more tidy. [Insert modest sobriety-chic-lit joke about it actually looking less like total chaos.] Also I haven’t been allowing tech for the kids on school days, which forces me to spend time with them. [Which of course is always a joy, lol. (Edit: no but seriously!!!) Actually, as long as I’m wearing construction-grade earmuffs it’s perrrrrfect.] It’s very busy anyway in the first weeks of school. Lots of homework and many many papers to sign, as well as after-school meetings to attend.

This evening I worked with our second son (age 13, nearly 14) on figuring out what career path he wanted to take. This is the critical age for kids in France to start planning. They have to choose a specific high school (“lycée”) the following year, based on their estimated path. So their final year of middle school, which is (oddly, from the North American perspective) called “collège,” focuses on choosing that path. (Like I’ve said in the past, France is an adulting nation. Or maybe North America is simply a childish bunch. The French in NA are probably going, “why do these dolts call post-secondary education middle school?? And NA is like, “’cause in post-secondary, we’re twenty-something tweens. We’re basically hobbits. So boo-yah.”)

Our eldest son’s career path was simple. He’s known since around the age of six, just like his dad. (IT/coding/programming/dev-ops/computer-yodahood, also just like his dad.) Our second son is more unsure of himself, just like I used to be (oh hold on, and still am).

He and I had a fun (yes really!) time together researching options, together using my laptop on the kitchen table (I’m not counting tech time as “tech time” if it’s with direct, constant supervision and for educative purposes only). We found a really cool guy on YouTube (Jake Voorhees, who happened to be from our homeland in Vancouver, Canada! Dude knows what it’s all aboot! [there is even “The Boot” building, in the background of his intro scenery]) who explained the difference between architects and civil engineers. In the end, second son decided to start with the path of civil engineering. Which I thought sounded perfect for him. (Because neither of us is easily influenced by YouTubers. ;))

I love coaching the kids on life stuff, it’s one of my favourite things to do. (Even if it’s not normally one of theirs, to be coached. Dang.) This is one of the beautiful things about being a mom. A beautiful something I might have missed, on a similar evening about six months ago, when I might have been happily tipping through a bottle of red or sparkling, instead of offering to help my eldest sons with their homework just before bedtime. Instead letting them do their own “homework,” on their own computers. (As if they actually do homework unsupervised when faced with the digital home of all their games and…. YouTube gamers playing those same games.)

Drinking, even “moderately,” took up a lot of time. Time is something I now have more of. Another thing I’m grateful for.

***

Some of you kind folks who check in from time to time may have noticed that this blog was set to “private” mode for the last few days. I’m not sure what my problem is, at the moment. Why I feel so much shame and disappointment in myself.

Actually, I think I do know what the problem is:

Like many, I have a tendency to see negatives when it comes to looking in the mirror, whether real or metaphorical/blogaphorical. And to not be able to take my own jokes. And my own imperfections.

I *like* silly jokes when told by others; I *adore* imperfections in others. Why not in myself? Why such deep-seated self-loathing, over such seemingly inconsequential things?

It’s called Ego. This is the work I need to sit with quietly for a while.

***

I felt terrible about the post which listed other sobriety blogs.

It took me a long time to do the links properly; then the worst part is, I screwed the whole thing up anyway. I forgot “this” person, meanwhile named “that” person who perhaps didn’t even want to be named. Put the names in as-they-came-to-mind order instead of doing something logical, fair and community-friendly, such alphabetical listing. Wondered if I should I have mentioned the *non*-sobriety bloggers who’ve been a support to me as well. Wondered if I should have mentioned the non-sobriety bloggers who only “like” but don’t comment. etc. etc.)

Imagining having caused possibly hurt feelings or offence (or even just head-shaking bemusement or repulsed mouth-cringing) kills me inside like I’m taking a self-administered poison. And then I don’t really know the right way to undo it.

If you happened to see that post, and you were mentioned or not mentioned and felt over-included or excluded, I am so sorry. After a year here on WP (counting my other blog), I find I am still clueless in BlogLand.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” as that old saying goes. I start out from a place of genuine love and gratitude, and aim to express it somehow (usually in the middle of a completely un-related post, just greeeaaat); and then through distraction (kids at home interrupting every five minutes, and rightly so), worry and perfectionism (“oh crap, forgot so-and-so,” add them in, find their blog URL, etc etc), I end in a place of resentment (“why the hell did I ever decide to do this, anyway? I’ve suddenly decided I hate blogging and everything to do with blogging!”), self-loathing (“I’m such an idiot!”), and fear (“everyone must hate me. This means I’m going to die!”).

i.e. #MountainsOutOfMoleHills and #SkyIsFalling mentality.

Notes to self: stop looking in the metaphorical mirror for trouble. If you look for it you will find it. And stop hurting yourself and everyone close to you, with your overblown good intentions.

So, I killed the blog that felt like it was killing me. Or rather, gave it a sleeping potion (i.e. made it temporarily “private”). In effect, stopping time; creating a kind of bubble within it.

You know, like Jeremy Bearimy.

***

16:27 [2019-09-10] When I’d turned the blog to private mode I felt instant relief. It felt like turning off a light switch, and like making a place where I could just be myself without judgement. I highly recommend it if you ever feel stuck or unsure.

Anyway, inside the thusly-created darkroom, I read a few older posts and see where I’ve come from. Which was encouraging because I can see that I kept making “mistakes” and doing imperfect things and yet, I kept going. That is major for me, a recovering, previously-crippled perfectionist and master procrastinator. And to also realize, this is just me. This is who I am. Complete with the dotted “i” which is Tuesdays and July. I’m not going to let it break me.

But: if one truly wants to untangle time, one has to Keep Moving Forward.

So onward again, friends, and upward.

sending love,

vision and faith,

xo nadine/stl

 

18 thoughts on “Jeremy Bearimy and the blogitecture of time

  1. wow Nadine! France is my home country but I have been living in NA for 5 years now 🙂 Fun swap ! Your post brought up some nice memories for me. Choosing which “section” of the “lycée” to attend is always a tough one. I remember being 14 years old and changing my mind half way through the summer, deciding I wanted to be a writer, not a business-person, and being moved from ES to L just a couple of weeks before my year of “seconde” began. Ten years later I was neither: in the end I became a high school teacher, and discovered the joys of helping students make those kinds of decisions for themselves. IMO the French system had kids choosing WAY too soon! Anyway, “Bonne rentrée” to you and your sons !:) xxx Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh that is so neat Anne! Very fun swap indeed! Really cool to hear your take on it… I was sort of thinking that I wasn’t made to choose soon enough. ;)) I’ve actually tried to encourage him to write (he did do NaNoWriMo with me, the kids’ version) one year but he’s not that into it yet. Did you know they completely changed the Bac for this year? So now it’s much more general than before apparently. My eldest is doing is “seconde” this year. He’s chosen Bac Generale to end up with further studies in IT. Thanks for the “bonne rentrée” and I love your blog! xoxo n

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ooooh that’s right, living as an expat made me completely forget the huge “réforme” they just set up. Also, you’re right: kids who have a strong sense of what they want to do later on can benefit from choosing earlier. I love your blog toooo !

        Liked by 1 person

        1. yes, I do agree… the way I see it that maybe if they get to choose earlier, they get to focus on something earlier (hopefully then avoiding some of the teenage addiction cycles?!?), see that path through, then possibly do something else if they want, afterwards…. something like that. oh, thank you, for the blog love!! :))))

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Nadine , stop catastrophizing! That’s an order. Don’t worry if a few people were left out in your links. And get a bigger mirror, stand in front of it and scream,”I’m gorgeous”. That’s another order. Oh and finally don’t let anyone push you around. That’s order number three. I’m worried that not drinking is making me slightly manic 🤪

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Jim, I think I truly needed to hear all that. And here’s something weird, I find myself missing those earlier days of sobriety… I could use a bit more manic and a bit less neurotic! 🤓😂Ok off to follow orders as best as possible now. (“I’m gorgeous, I’m gorgeous…” I won’t scream it though since I just got the younger kids to bed. ;))

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m always nothing but grateful when I’m mentioned on another blog, makes me remember that other people do read my stuff. I usually see something I’m not happy with when I look in the mirror, myself. Not just the physical mirror but the spiritual mirror, too. I know it’s all in my head but that doesn’t help, does it? lol. I’m reading a book now on how to rebuild your confidence but I dunno… these things usually don’t work for me. Always willing to try though!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too about the blog stuff, I think my double standards make no sense…
      I agree about the confidence education, lol, we can read all the things but if we don’t practice it… well. Then it doesn’t work.
      For me one thing I need to do is remember to engage in more quietude. Meditation basically. I don’t know why I fight the thought of doing it so much. Once I’m doing it it’s great. Thanks for your comments as always! :))

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Well I have a personal reason to approve your son’s choice – architecture and civil engineering are both things I’ve considered if I get the chance to go back to school, though I’d be even happier with architectural engineering (relatively new and not offered as many places).

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Temporary breaks can be really good and reduce stress. I’ve not yet felt the need to take a break from blogging, but I did have to take a break from FB for the sake of my mental health. I’m back on it now, but in better control of the content I consume there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Breaks are definitely good… same for me with Facebook, deleted after the 2016 elections and now back on it but barely ever there. Instagram is better, but I cut way back on that also. xoxo

      Like

  6. You’re so sweet and just want to make everyone happy, which radiates through your blog. This world needs more Nadine’s! Also-so glad you had such a great evening with your boys, love their choices! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jackie, this warmed my heart so much, thank you 😍💖🤗💛☀️🌸
      Very kind of you to see my people-pleasing weakness as a strength.
      It was a lovely evening, the others did “pixel art” (on graph paper) while watching the engineering vids out of the corners of their eyes. The vids were wonderfully educational and entertaining!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. We also have no electronics during the week! Woooohoooo!!!! I love the adulting mindset that you described. As a North American we absolutely need to adopt more of that mindset. Sadly less and less accountability seems the direction we are going. ……. Anywho, I’m glad your blog is back up, and I think you are absolutely LOVELY just the way you are!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooh that is awesome and inspiring. 🤩 I have to admit to currently allowing it on Wednesdays since that’s a day off for the younger kids here. 😉 😫🤷🏼‍♀️😁 Yes I agree about NA needing to provide kids with a bit more guidance and autonomy somehow! We don’t want to end up with Idiocracy (ever see that movie? 😄) Awwwww thank you for the lovely, virtual-hugging words. Means so much to me. Ditto back to you. So happy you are still blogging too. Was a bit sad without you. 😍❤️

      Like

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