Day 161 – knowing I’m a freak

07:05 I know I’m a freak. And an average one at that. I don’t have my shit together. I try too hard. I fail too lightly. I’m a dreamer not a doer.

I had a whole day to myself yesterday. (The other days I’ll be picking the kids up for lunch, but this one day they were at the school canteen. Oh pious me.) What did I do with my six hours away from mothering? Online shop and obsess over what to do with my blogs. Greeeeeaaat. Result: I have yet another new blog (which I’ve already pretty much abandoned) and I have two one-piece swimsuits coming in the mail. I never wear one-piece swimsuits! I have no boobs so they made me look like a man. But tomorrow I’ll have two to try on and confirm that yes, I still have no boobs and yes, I’ll still look like a man in a one-piece suit. No matter how hard I wish it were different. Thanks Amazon for suggesting stuff I don’t need! I only went on there to buy a doorbell. (Long story for another time.)

I am soooooo suggestive. What I need is for someone to suggest a bunch of useful things to me.

“You are so hard working. Your house is always spic and span. You know exactly what you want to be when you grow up.”

Hold on. I’m already grown up.

WTF happened.

#ThisIsMidLife #FirstWorldProblems

Also, I know this is supposed to be a sobriety blog. That’s my issue. Sobriety is just sobriety now. Something that’s become habit and far in the background most of the time. For the moment I don’t feel I need to write about it; and yes okay, one could say, well write something useful about sobriety for others then, but honestly it’s not my style. We can get advice anywhere we look. Type it in. Whatever you’re looking for, in the search field. It’s out there. In wads and scads.

(BTW if you are wondering: Am I an alcoholic? Short answer, if you’ve ever typed that into a search field: Yes.)

Who needs more advice? What I believe is we need more stories. All kinds of stories. Truthful ones, from all kinds of people. Most of all the people who get the least amount of attention. But I feel like shit writing mine; it’s so lame, so average. So mundane, so un-special, so universally basic. So how can I even justify or advise doing *that*? I can’t. So I just keep telling my own shit story.

So what next? Get my life together.

Or don’t get life to together. Just be. But I can’t join the monastery just yet. Lol. I still have work to do in the real world. Kids and all.

But I need something more! A creative outlet! Something for my resumé of life! I want to be Somebody! Somebody Somebody Somebody! So, blog about the monastic life of motherhood. But Momastery is already taken. Tough titty.

***

Primrose made her blog private. I felt sad. She was one of my favourite bloggers in the wide world, and I didn’t even “know” her and her glorious blog while she was still blogging. I found her blog via a comment on another awesome blogger’s site: hilarious HurrahForCoffee, or maybe it was ubiquitous, peaceful and wise Anne, of AInSobriety.

(I’m a blogaholic. I think maybe I always will be.)

(Or will I?)

***

Suddenly I felt happy.

Good on you, Primrose. Keep lighting the way.

Maybe when it’s time to turn in, it’s time to turn in.

***

Can you imagine how many awesome blogs we’ve never known?

I’ll say this though: here’s why I kept/keep showing up… in spite of feeling like an ass for blogging in such a mediocre fashion about my mediocre life. It’s because of you all. Jaquelyn3534, SoberAndWell, Dwight/FadedJeansLiving, UnTipsyTeacher, AinSobriety, SAM/SoberAsianMom, Niki/SamIam, DrGettingSober, MonicaTBD, Anne, Elizabeth/WithoutTheWhine, MrsMac, Bryan B, RawLifeSober, NewChapter/SoMuchToGainFromThis, TrailBlazer112SoberWomanWrites, BumpyYear, HabitDone, Gratitude4Gratitude, Jim/LifeBeyondBooze, Ceponatia/rimeRecovery, HumanProbably, FunctioningGuzzler, Nelson/OneDrunksTale, LiveLifeLove, LackadaisacalWhimsy, Moshe/InTheRooms, (Edit: oh yes and last-for-now, but certainly not least: Stacy/PaintingMyFreedomLimetwiste/ModeratelySober!) and anyone else who dropped by and made life fun.

(Holy it took forever to add those links. Hope I got ’em right. And sorry, I’m sure I’m forgetting someone, or maybe quite a few someones… please forgive me, leave a comment and remind me!!!)

Basically, I was always a party girl. This has been my alcohol-free party platform. You are the only reason it was worthwhile to publish here. You’ve acted as friends when I had no-one else I felt I could talk to. If you also had a place I could drop by sometimes, so much the better. Feels like we’re in SoberBlogLand. Sobriety Lane.

Thanks all y’all for coming by, to my little neck of the woods.

Side note: In spite of my occasional southern writing twang, am not Texan nor even American. I’m Canadian. In Canada we are so boring that we have no identity. Our identity is non-identity. We are apologetic shape-shifters. We do other people’s accents since we’ve got noon of our oon. We are ridiculously polite but painfully without fine manners. We have nothing going for us but earnestness. We’ll talk your ear off about ourselves in a heartbeat, all because we actually want to hear all about you — but we’re too polite to ask, and too ignorant to know.  As you sit there watching us chatter on with our big, beaming, genuinely genuine smiles, we’ll make you cock your head to the side in strange delight and wonder, thinking: what a funnily kind and stupid and generously self-centred person. Also that smile must be fake.

Then, you’ll silently add on, in your subconscious mind:

I think I love her.

(See, power of suggestion. ;))

sending hugs,

xo n/stl

(Another Canadian huge-ism: the bear hug. No chaste French-style cheek-kissing. Unless we’re having champagne, dah-ling. Which we’re not, anymore.)

(Oh that reminds me of this awesome vid from Awaken With JP. He’s gonna teach us all how to hug, spiritual style. Enjoy the love.)

 

18 thoughts on “Day 161 – knowing I’m a freak

  1. I’m at a very similar place in life. Online shopping for things I don’t need: check. Too many blogs: check. “Over” (as in it’s not a big deal anymore) sobriety: check.

    Advice, particularly to addicts, is useless I’ve found. You’re right that stories help so much more. The thing is, people who are “experts” on recovery always say “there’s no one road to recover”. There is, though. We just say that to make ourselves feel better when nobody follows that road even though we’ve told them a bajillion times what they have to do to get sober. It’s infuriating and it’s why I no longer participate in online recovery communities on Reddit and Quora. Someone shows up, usually drunk, regretting what they’ve done and lamenting their alcoholism, you tell them what they need to do, and they disappear forever, probably into a bottle.

    I’d rather just blog about my life and where I see it going. Maybe my successes will inspire people more than my “go to rehab” posts do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really? Too many blogs too? Then I am not alone! :))) I so agree about just blogging about life and see where it goes. I love that when others do it so why can’t I accept myself for the same I wonder? 🧐🤷🏼‍♀️Thanks as always Cep for your awesome comments.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Just found this one in my pending folder, sorry Wendy, guess it got flagged due to link! And I keep missing some notifications. 🧐🤓Anyhow, glad for the bathing suit solidarity. 😆And I did read and love that post of yours! 5 years whooooooo-hooooooo!!!!! Huge congrats and admiration. 💛

      Like

    1. You guys are all amazing Wendy! 🙏❤️💐What a crew! It seems like that was the golden era of sobriety blogging! I didn’t even know such a thing existed, back then!

      Like

  2. I love this blog! You are awesome! I’m at work now (😂) and want to comment but I’m not a quick commenter so I’ll sit down after work and open house that’s tonight for school! I look forward to it! So I’m saying “I’ll be back” in my Arnold Schwarzenegger voice! 😂🤣🤓😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are the sweetest!!! 😂😍🤣😁😄 I read this while in my kid’s school office so couldn’t reply then either. Schwarz is so rad. My husband does his voice all the time, it cracks me up. I on dee udder hand need to verk on it some moa. 💪😉
      Back or not, I loved this message, had to stifle a laugh and as always, THANK YOU Jackie. ❤️😄

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I love the movie Kindergarten Cop! It’s super old but just great! There’s a Kindergarten Cop 2, not as good but I had to watch! I love how your blog is about what’s going on in your life currently! You have a way of really letting us feel what your thinking or experiencing! Anyone can look back on your early sobriety daily blogs for help/inspiration if they wish, I have before and it’s incredibly helpful! I think it’s awesome on your bathing suit choice! I bet you will look awesome! I live a very daily repeatative life, work, running kids to and from school/sports, grocery shopping…a funny story at our local pharmacy recently I was checking out and the lady said “Have a good day!” I responded “Love you too,” 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Then I said out loud “OMG did I just say that?” We all laughed including the lady behind me. I got the hell out of there. Thank goodness the cashier was a female! I guess I was just used to talking to my family. 😂 I need to get out more! 😂 Anyway I am rambling! I love stopping by your neck of the woods, it’s the best! 😍😍😍

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Lol about the pharmacy checkout! I might try that line around here just for fun! 😄Jackie you are so loving and encouraging, your neighbourhood is lucky to have you as is your family! And as are we in the blogosphere! Thank you so much for the laughs and kind words 💛😍🤩

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok – so I’m not sure whether I want to give you a virtual hug or a kick up the backside- maybe a bit of both. Where to start? I know, the Canadian bit. Thank God for Canada and the Canadians- you have bags of identity- less crass and vulgar than your southerly cousins, finacially more astute than the rest of the world, great music, smart, compassionate people. Don’t have a go at the Canadians or you’ll have me to deal with! Everyone I know either wants to visit the place or live there.

    Point number two a woman not having boobs is very “in” at the moment. Being a bloke with them is not very “in” believe me and do you hear me complaining about my “moobs”?

    where am I in the longest comment ever written? Oh yes , point 3. Yours is as valid and interesting a story as any other persons. You speak from the heart and the frustrations and aspirations you speak of are ones most of us can relate to. What you have in bucketloads is authenticity. you write already so there is creativity- blog posts don’t write themselves. You share your inner life and share it generously, I’ll take that any day over jet setting travelogues and dreary stories of I saw this, I saw that.

    I look for blogs of people that have giving up the booze because they help. It’s hard giving it up and it’s inspiring to read of those that have done it. Yours is a great blog because you do have the ups and downs but still stick with it. Blogs written by coiffured beauties who sail through life on a cloud of untroubled sobriety are bullshit confections. You’re real, you mean something, so what if you buy a few things, you deserve it. Now go channel that creativity and frustration. Ive got a feeling something even more wonderful may emerge.

    Sorry to come over all dadsy and preachy but I get annoyed when the good, creative souls down play their worth.
    By the way loved the post!

    There that’s my two pennies worth.
    Jim

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG. Jim! Can’t really tell you how much I love your two pennies. (And mine. Lol.) I think I’m going to print this out and frame it, or maybe just hug it too long from time to time. Thank you so, so, so, so, so very much. You are the sober bomb.
      Nadine

      Like

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