Dear god, dear Tree, dear Esmerelda,
I offer myself to you
to do with me as you will
Release me from the bonds of ego
so that I may better do your will
Take away my troubles, so that
those whom I wish to help may bear witness
to the power of your Love, your Power
and your Way of life.
May I do your will always!
(modified from step 3 prayer, AA Big Book)
Wow. I don’t want to do god’s will.
That would mean not doing my own selfish will. Not sure if I’m ready for that.
Yet I have been there, done that, before, and I have sure felt the ecstatic joy it brings. Better than any drug. Even wine.
So what happened?
Well, last time I was on that plane, and mostly doing what I believed was god’s will and all of a sudden I wasn’t anymore. That’s how it feels in retrospect. But of course it’s never like that. What happens is you’re living in the real world, doing real-world things, and often meeting with a lot of resistance the more you do good things in the real world, especially (in my own life) as a parent, and bit by bit you’re doing too much for your own ego (e.g. house must be perfect! career must be perfect!) and not enough spiritual contact with your Tree (because that sometimes takes just sitting still, and no one’s revered for sitting still these days, unless they post it on instagram, and then it’s not really sitting still anymore, it’s posing for instagram, which is more often than not, all about ego), and bit by bit you’ve stopped asking Tree about stuff anymore, and Tree has just become a tree, still beautiful and all but just an inanimate object on your mental to-do list (oh yes, I must commune with tree. Tree are you there? No ok well I have things to do anyway, I’ll come back later maybe)
Tree, Tree, tell me… please, how do I get out of this selfish mode? This mode of doing things for others, but really kind of for myself?
— nothing’s ever black nor white, this nor that. Listen more, talk less, just be… that’s all I want from thee
It’s quiet, Tree, it’s really quiet…it’s dark outside my window and almost black really, I haven’t been up this early in ages
— it’s the godly hour
I remember this, when I used to do this daily… there was nothing like it… there is never a knock on the door, there is never a shout, there is never cacophony of noise, no children’s voices, not even a tractor rumbling past, engines whining, harvesters rattling
There is just silence, ringing in my ears
and the sound of that haunting bird, woo-wooing wildly, plaintively in the distance
— that is the sound of god
Lol. you sound so friendly, god, so friendly, I forgot how friendly and casual and unassuming you are…it’s been a long time, god (I’m actually crying)
so yeah but all woo-wooing jokes aside, how can the sound of god be plaintive and wild?
— sound of god is everything, everything that is listened to and not just heard as noise
Love you a lot, missed you
— love you too, so much, and I’m everywhere you look, touch, listen, if you pay attention,
In the present moment
So what do I do now
— now you’re being trite, lol
Lol, true. Just tell me anyways; you know, so we can round out this blog post?
— well, just be here now
and nothing else?
— nothing else
to be honest god I actually thought you were going to say “put down your laptop and just sit cross legged and keep your back straight and just sit.” That’s what I was getting ready to type
— well that was what you heard a few moments ago before you decided to type it, but really you can keep typing if you want, you can feel me in the keys —
nope, not feeling it anymore.
— breathe then, breathing’s good. I’m the air that’s filling your lungs, infusing your blood. All you have to do is breathe, and pay attention to your breath
This is it, this is everything. At all times and everything.
Nada brahman, sound of god
speaking of which, what do I do about that poem, that one I got stuck on
— it doesn’t matter
so, publish it? Or not?
— either one. It doesn’t matter. But everything you do, remember god.
I know that’s what the gurus say. but what does that mean exactly?
— be true to what you hear, when you are listening to the sound of god
I’ll do my best
— I am here.
hey, it’s getting lighter now, on the horizon, and suddenly I can see the hills.
Hi guys, I’m not sure about anything these days except that this moment, this moment where we actually get present and be there, doing whatever we’re doing, feels really good and doesn’t need any drug to enhance it. Drugs (like alcohol) can enhance it in the moment but they are addictive and have grave side effects that worsen as use increases.
I decided to stop drinking:
- because I (mostly) like life and I only have about half of it left to live (if I’m lucky and I live that long) and I want to life it as truthfully and purposefully as possible.
- because my kids are getting older and will soon have to make choices about alcohol and I want them to know there are other ways of living besides mindlessly getting blitzed along with “the in crowd” (which is actually, I’m discovering, late in life, more tuned out than in) “for fun.” I feel this can best be taught by example since they don’t seem to like to be “taught” anything.
- because although I was lucky and alcohol seemed to enhance my good feelings and minimize the bad ones most of the time and it never seemed to cause any overt or obvious problems in my life, it was rotting me from the inside. I knew this because it was insidiously becoming an obsession in my awareness, and I would regret things I’d said or done, the next day, even if everyone else was saying or doing them, or perhaps *because* everyone was saying or doing them, and it wasn’t the “true” me, it was “herd mentality” me, i.e. I felt I was being driven by something, not tuning in to something. Wine, or a glass of it, could be a great enhancer sometimes, but by the end of my love affair with it I was not truly able to enjoy one glass since I always wanted more, and when I had more I became less and less mindful.
and gratitude for you being here now
truly, I feel cheesy expressing how much it means to me but it’s true, you really mean a lot in my life, and without you this blog would be completely pointless,
I mean the writing wouldn’t be, the writing is always worthwhile — try it and see, if there are any of you out there not writing yet — wake up early if you can, that’s the best, but even if not, just start typing, just your stream of consciousness, purge all that is buzzing around in there, or maybe start with a prayer on those days when you feel like having some direction — just write for yourself at first, it’s life-changing. You’ll discover all kinds of things about yourself that you might not otherwise have “tuned in” to, before. So yes, the writing, perhaps especially private writing, is always worthwhile. I can’t say it enough.
But publishing, well, it’s really hard sometimes, letting go of ego and sending it out there — but it can be wonderful — but only because someone’s here, reading it, and maybe finding something in it that works in some small way, even if for a moment — and when someone acknowledges that (with a like or comment) it’s like giving something back and it gives energy to continue. So I sent huge thanks for that, it means a lot, thank you.
my vision is of the whole world awakening
my faith is in you, and in me, and Presence and Awareness working through us
my peace is in this moment, as I feel it expand
(one person sitting here typing, while holding a vision of many other people being present, doing whatever they are doing, in this moment.)
5 months and 5 days
(Image source: https://www.oilpaintingfactory.com/english/oil-painting-143510.htm – the tree spirit)