07:36 I’m having a devil of a time in my head. I think wine and blogging is really mixed up for me.
My first WordPress blog (well, not my first actually, but the first one I actually published some writing on, haha) was kind of about exploring my relationship to wine. But it was also mingled with attempts at creative writing. Then there were some “followers” (strongly dislike that word, perhaps I even prefer “friends” to that, as FaceBook calls them, though even that’s not always accurate; truly I think the word should be more akin to “fellows,” though perhaps that’s too masculine-centric, however much I like it), who made continuing worthwhile and possible.
Then, just like in real life, I became keen to please and less keen to speak my own truth and I found that I was repeatedly self-sabotaging. A strange cycle of surging ahead with great ideals, blogging about them, getting accolades for them (from the kindest of folks), then promptly crashing them all down (and blogging about that. Then un-blogging about that.)
I see many, many blogs here on WP disappear. Also lots of ephemeral posts (besides my own) that flicker on and off. So I know, when I use reason, that I’m not alone in my self-doubt. I know that not only am I not alone in my yearning to drink wine alongside my yearning to be free from it, but I am also not alone in my fears and ecstasies around writing and publishing.
I want to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but I want to be liked, loved, and nothing but liked and loved.
I want to be known, completely known, for all of me and everything that I am, but I know that means also being hated, means irritating people and being irritated by them, sometimes hating them (momentarily at least) in return.
It means facing my humanity, my fallibility, my imperfection, my honest lack of angelitude.
12:57 moved rest of that ramble to other blog editor. I’m not sure where any of this belongs.
23:28 Had such an amazing day. Went out with new acquaintance-becoming-friend — the elder boys’ former math teacher.
I was terrified to go (it’s always a chore for me to motivate the four boys, and I worry about how everything will go down, behaviour-wise) but she keeps emailing with nice suggestions for get-togethers with the kids (baking at her house, board games at her house, or nature hike, good heavens, this woman is truly a saint, which doubly scared the crap out of me) and I kept not replying and yet knowing I should, and finally did. I chose the hike, and suggested this afternoon (and she, wonderful kind soul, said yes, even on such ridiculously short notice). Then promptly freaked out while trying to get all four boys to do simple things like pack a bathing suit, towel, water bottle, and don appropriate footwear, within the ill-planned ten minutes time I’d allotted. But once finally all packed and in the van (one in thongs, for fudge’s sakes!), it was the best feeling, to be rolling south on the hilly roads. I felt such gratitude.
I love a road trip. And a hike in an evergreen woods, which feels like home. And a new lake. And watching the kids leap around on a giant inflatable floating bouncy castle. And, don’t tell anyone I said this, but my kids, all four of them, were the well-behaved ones this time. (Don’t worry. I didn’t gloat. Mommy-karma has a way of firmly biting gloaters in the rear end. That much I know backwards and forwards.)
All we drank is water, and that seems to be some other people’s normal… even during family social meet-ups that include a hike and hanging out on a beach in nature… go figure. lol.
We arrived back in our neck of the fields quite late, so on the way home I took the kids to their favourite local place to eat, for dinner. It’s a tiny, family-run kebab restaurant with insanely good prices for simple good cooking, and it’s always hopping with quiet, reverent celebrators of kebab. We shared cokes and talked about our afternoon adventure. I forgot to revel in the fact that I didn’t even think about drinking wine. But I did revel in the fact of being able to drink the same “special” outing drink as my boys. I love the feeling of setting a good example. I also love the feeling of not having to wish I could properly have more and more wine with dinner.
The boys were in such a great mood from the outing and I felt so ridiculously proud of them all and grateful to them (and to our new friends) for that. After a tough few days (I’d pared back on technology severely, more on that later hopefully) it was a wonderful reconnection with four of the most important people in my life.
Amazing how we can all be so reluctant to get out of our comfort zones into this world, yet so ultimately energized by doing just that…