Day 146 – blogging notes, and more wine-free socializing

07:36 I’m having a devil of a time in my head. I think wine and blogging is really mixed up for me.

My first WordPress blog (well, not my first actually, but the first one I actually published some writing on, haha) was kind of about exploring my relationship to wine. But it was also mingled with attempts at creative writing. Then there were some “followers” (strongly dislike that word, perhaps I even prefer “friends” to that, as FaceBook calls them, though even that’s not always accurate; truly I think the word should be more akin to “fellows,” though perhaps that’s too masculine-centric, however much I like it), who made continuing worthwhile and possible.

Then, just like in real life, I became keen to please and less keen to speak my own truth and I found that I was repeatedly self-sabotaging. A strange cycle of surging ahead with great ideals, blogging about them, getting accolades for them (from the kindest of folks), then promptly crashing them all down (and blogging about that. Then un-blogging about that.)

I see many, many blogs here on WP disappear. Also lots of ephemeral posts (besides my own) that flicker on and off. So I know, when I use reason, that I’m not alone in my self-doubt. I know that not only am I not alone in my yearning to drink wine alongside my yearning to be free from it, but I am also not alone in my fears and ecstasies around writing and publishing.

I want to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but I want to be liked, loved, and nothing but liked and loved.

I want to be known, completely known, for all of me and everything that I am, but I know that means also being hated, means irritating people and being irritated by them, sometimes hating them (momentarily at least) in return.

It means facing my humanity, my fallibility, my imperfection, my honest lack of angelitude.

***

12:57 moved rest of that ramble to other blog editor. I’m not sure where any of this belongs.

***

23:28 Had such an amazing day. Went out with new acquaintance-becoming-friend — the elder boys’ former math teacher.

I was terrified to go (it’s always a chore for me to motivate the four boys, and I worry about how everything will go down, behaviour-wise) but she keeps emailing with nice suggestions for get-togethers with the kids (baking at her house, board games at her house, or nature hike, good heavens, this woman is truly a saint, which doubly scared the crap out of me) and I kept not replying and yet knowing I should, and finally did. I chose the hike, and suggested this afternoon (and she, wonderful kind soul, said yes, even on such ridiculously short notice). Then promptly freaked out while trying to get all four boys to do simple things like pack a bathing suit, towel, water bottle, and don appropriate footwear, within the ill-planned ten minutes time I’d allotted. But once finally all packed and in the van (one in thongs, for fudge’s sakes!), it was the best feeling, to be rolling south on the hilly roads. I felt such gratitude.

I love a road trip. And a hike in an evergreen woods, which feels like home. And a new lake. And watching the kids leap around on a giant inflatable floating bouncy castle. And, don’t tell anyone I said this, but my kids, all four of them, were the well-behaved ones this time. (Don’t worry. I didn’t gloat. Mommy-karma has a way of firmly biting gloaters in the rear end. That much I know backwards and forwards.)

All we drank is water, and that seems to be some other people’s normal… even during family social meet-ups that include a hike and hanging out on a beach in nature…  go figure. lol.

We arrived back in our neck of the fields quite late, so on the way home I took the kids to their favourite local place to eat, for dinner. It’s a tiny, family-run kebab restaurant with insanely good prices for simple good cooking, and it’s always hopping with quiet, reverent celebrators of kebab. We shared cokes and talked about our afternoon adventure. I forgot to revel in the fact that I didn’t even think about drinking wine. But I did revel in the fact of being able to drink the same “special” outing drink as my boys. I love the feeling of setting a good example. I also love the feeling of not having to wish I could properly have more and more wine with dinner.

The boys were in such a great mood from the outing and I felt so ridiculously proud of them all and grateful to them (and to our new friends) for that. After a tough few days (I’d pared back on technology severely, more on that later hopefully) it was a wonderful reconnection with four of the most important people in my life.

Amazing how we can all be so reluctant to get out of our comfort zones into this world, yet so ultimately energized by doing just that…

xoxo n/stl

24 thoughts on “Day 146 – blogging notes, and more wine-free socializing

  1. I keep things pretty honest. Sometimes I hold back on a thing because I don’t want to cause someone pain, sometimes I hold back because I’m still processing it and unsure of how I feel, sometimes I hold back because I’ve decided a thing is for me and only for me, sometimes (here) I hold back because I don’t feel quite safely anonymous enough (what if someone that knew me stumbled on the blog and figured out it was me?)

    But I’m aware, and only reasonably resigned, to the fact it means I’m sacrificing likability. The reality of that still makes me sad from time to time, even if I decided being open and honestly myself was my preferable state of being. I don’t know if this thought I had helps, but I know that if someone only likes me because I masked my true self, that they don’t actually like me at all, and that is what keeps me choosing honesty over likability.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think what you should publish depends on what you want your blog to be. If this is a public journal for you to share your thoughts and get feedback from people, then it is appropriate to publish whatever you feel like. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of it or worry about losing readers because you’ll always get more.
    I strive for my blog to be a bit more professional and less centered on myself, although I certainly have plenty of personal posts on there. It’s evolved over the last year and continues to do so… Therefore I don’t post anything excessively negative or personal, I avoid politics, and I try to stay centered on a few different themes.
    I did have a blog prior to this one which I deleted. It is the one I wrote in while still actively drinking. It was embarrassing, offensive, and honestly, it wasn’t even me. I’m not the person I was a year and a half ago. Your blog, too, will probably change over time as you get further into sobriety and figure out more about the real you. Until then just enjoy the ride. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Dwight! :)) I feel like I need to write a few pages on this topic since it’s a big challenge for me too, but most particularly when I’m just home with the kids. It’s so much easier to just stay put, but often far less rewarding.

      Like

    1. Aw man!!!! I missed it! So sad! I was hoping and waiting for another post. :)) I usually set posts to “Admins only” or “Revert to draft” when I get scared, which is essentially a form of un-publishing. Then I sometimes make them public again later when I’ve lost attachment to outcome.

      I think blogging is an evolutionary thing for some of us sensitive folks, which can take a very long time (well I’m still in that evolution, and still no clue what I’m doing, though I guess compared to even a year ago, I’ve come quite a ways down the timeline). I think it sort of hatches out of you, this urge to share, bit by bit, and suddenly, you’re kind of half out of your shell, that’s maybe where I am now (though I keep stepping completely out, then going back in again). For you, it was poking out a baby toe maybe… 🐣😊

      I also think it’s wonderful to be a commenter even if you’re not yet a blogger. I was like that for years. For me it took so much effort to even comment, since I was absolutely terrified of making mistakes. So it was a true act of love and gratitude. Maybe you’re the same.

      You were one of the people who kept up my morale when there were few others commenting. So, you’re partly responsible for this blog’s existence. Thanks Jackie ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awe thanks for saying that! I think you are right and the big toe/chick-a-Dee emoji was perfect! I think I also got frustrated too on learning it all. Took me a bit to figure out how to tag again. Then somehow I tagged the random word “sticky.” 😂🤣 No idea how that happened and then I had to go back and try to get hat tag off. 🤓 I sure do appreciate your kind words and blogs!! 😘😍

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I love hearing these notes from the beginning stages! makes me remember how confusing it was for me in the beginning! I actually found wordpress way too hard when I first “put my toe in” some years ago and never ended up blogging here. Had to try some easier platforms first, fail at those also and then coming back WP seemed easier somehow. Thanks always for your wonderful words here and on others’ blogs, I love reading them. 😍😘😊

          Liked by 1 person

  3. “All we drank is water, and that seems to be some other people’s normal…”
    I always thought that everyone was drinking when I was drinking. Little did I know that A) people were not drinking the quantities I was and B) some weren’t drinking anything alcoholic AT ALL!! *gasp* Lol!
    It’s amazing the things we assume, huh?
    Also, you just keep writing to please yourself. I’m starting to learn that for myself and it seems more therapeutic for me that way. Heck, that’s why I opened this blog anyway. 🥰🥰🥰
    Love and hugs!!
    Monsy

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol!! That is a very accurate description!! And I 100% understand!!
        The first few times I started trying to get sober, I would see people get up and leave a half full drink and it would make me seriously angry. I felt like they were disgracing the alcohol gods!!Took a while to get past that hurdle. I still notice, but I don’t get upset by it anymore. I still notice everything alcohol anything everywhere I go. The times it takes a minute to register that I didn’t notice right away, I give myself a pat on the back. I should prob write a blog about that. Lol!

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I notice people who drink a lot and silently judge them and I know it’s SO BAD but I can’t help it. Most of my coworkers drink to excess pretty frequently… I don’t say anything but I’m pretty sure I know what’s up. 😦

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I think your doing what a lot of people won’t do: be brutally honest with yourself. I mean you know you and who you are and your raw with it. There is nothing wrong with being a bit scared of how someone will react to you. I have this worry all the time. But as we are trying to love ourselves once again we have t remember that as long as we are TRUE to ourselves that is all that matters. If we face someone who doesn’t like us then we simply face it and move on. Your perfectly likable being your true self!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot for understanding exactly what I was trying to indirectly say here, you hit it spot on! (Except the last sentence which isn’t always true perhaps, but is a very kind bonus gift! 😉😁)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As the saying goes, “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”. I think you are definitely finding your voice and using it confidently, sounds like you had a great day.

    Liked by 1 person

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