Day 145 – monday prayer

God, Tree,
“I offer myself to Thee—
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!”

[Inc, A.A. World Services. Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition (p. 63). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.]

With this prayer

I am begging you, god, to hear me out

and not judge

and just listen.

Are you there?

I am here.

God, I’m telling you,

I don’t know what’s happening

everything was okay back then

or so it seemed, in my nostalgia today

and now it’s not.

Now I want only, to return to that carefree way I was

that imaginary ghost of happiness

that never existed.

Do you hear me, god

It never existed.

I was never that carefree happy ghost

that ghost never *was,* god!

Do you hear me, god?

I hear you.

I hear you, god

 

All day I hear the kids and they’re drowning in want and need and I feel it’s never enough, I’m never enough

and this day of all days, god, this day

was the day for me,

when I would unwind.

The stress was winding down, god, and I would often open that bottle of tangy sweet nectar of the gods

that’s what I called it god, remember! was it you, god, in that bottle? tell me now, god, I thought it was you

you tell me now, god, was it true?

for heaven’s sake god, I’m confused.

It helped me belong in this crazy world

it helped me have false friends god, but lord did they seem real! we were worshipping the same ungodly god, god

but if they were real, where are they now?

or perhaps it was all me, I was the true false friend,

or the stunted friend, only stepping out of loneliness with a wine glass in my hand, where am I now.

it was easier than anything.

And a reason for everything.

And a glue for everything, until it broke

until we woke.

Then the heaven

became hell

and the angels were devils

and the worst of the devils was that one in my head

god, was that you, too?

dear god, am I confused.

 

But here you are now, in a pouring torrent, god,

thank god for you,

all I’ve drunk is air and finally, finally god

there’s you. And all is abuzz

and all is peace

and all is sadness and fullness

and

emptiness

and I guess god, that this

is Love.

and I found a friend in you.

 

 

***

~ sobrietytree

[credits/refs: first stanza is based on Step 3 prayer,

[2019-09-11 (oh dear, what a date! did not realize it till now. Peace be, to all the earth…): this post was made private soon after publishing. Making it public again now…. Have edited the prayer, which had been previously loosely paraphrased, to be exact from the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book” (with the exception of the addition of “Tree”). The Kindle edition can be bought on Amazon for the price of a coffee or beer (e.g. on Amazon.com it’s currently USD$4.96, Amazon.fr it’s currently €4.49, at Amazon.co.uk it’s £3.49, at Amazon.ca it’s CAD$6.30, etc…) and supports AA, an excellent grassroots cause; but if purchasing is not an option for you, please find a free version of it here: https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous.]