Goodbye, wine hound

22:03 In my last post I used a metaphor of wine cravings at times being like a howling hound which I gently patted to sleep. The metaphor just came out onto the page and then I sort of began to fall in love with it. I could visualize the dog very clearly. He looked like a combination of our previous family dogs, all “rescue” dogs which were left with us by people who couldn’t care for them anymore. Each of those three dogs has since died, consecutively, of old age; may they rest in peace.

So I’d imagined my wine hound to be some kind of velvety dark labrador-cross, like our old family dogs were. Interestingly though, unlike our rescue dogs, this dog was tall, lean, muscular and strong. Which I think, in “houndsight,” (sorry, couldn’t resist) makes a lot of sense now that I realize the psychological implications. Alcohol is one powerfully seductive son-of-a-bitch.

I am having a really hard time this weekend. Not sure what my problem is. I’m just tired for no real reason. It’s been growing for a while now. I reached exhaustion point after last weekend and it’s just dragged on since then. I’ve looked up symptoms of depression and I have all of them right now. I feel deeply ashamed of that. And I know this is not a shining picture of sobriety. Which makes me feel even more shame.

Plus I feel confused. About everything really. I do not make a good role model. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I’ve mostly lost touch with my Tree. That makes me really sad. It’s funny too, the harder you try to get in touch with a Tree, the less you can. It’s a seed that blooms in your heart, from accepting yourself and caring for yourself; it’s not something you can just bang on and then a door opens, like a locked church. The seed in my heart is stunted and retracted, shrivelled and dying. Something went wrong.

Anyway, ever since writing that post yesterday, I feel like that metaphorical wine hound has been weighing me down with his heavy sleeping head on my lap. I got up to gently, quietly move away, but he woke up and began morosely following me around, barking periodically and finally even howling, an echoing sound which began to match the lonely, hopeless feeling growing in my heart.

So I had to say goodbye to him this afternoon. I shouted at him, in my mind, to get out. It was a French dog so I shouted “Dégage!” Which is what the locals shout, without a morsel of compassion, to nuisance animals around here. Dégage-toi! And I pointed towards the hills.

He’s off to a neighbourhood party now. He can live there if he wants since he’s not welcome here anymore. And I’m staying home tonight.

As I tapped this post into my phone, my husband left in the same direction as the dog.

I didn’t plan that ending. It was a surprise. (I’m a very slow tapper.) Hopefully he’ll be back soon. My husband, that is. He left with our two eldest sons, “just to check it out.”

***

22:45 They’re back already — husband and sons. Guess the dog went in a different direction after all. Sky is not always falling! And the world need not always be lived in metaphors. I just have to remember that.

In the meantime, Goodbye, dog.

***

p.s. Sober and Well is back with two posts! Do check out her blog. Brief, personal, and bad-ass positive. No wine-hounds skulking around her door. They KNOW they won’t get any scraps over there. ;))

21 thoughts on “Goodbye, wine hound

  1. Perhaps the wine hound actually just needs some love and attention and a nice drink of water.
    I try to avoid fighting with parts of myself. They always slink back.

    I am deeply depressed. The fatigue and heaviness is smothering me. I’m trying all my tricks, but I do realize I need an actual break. So I’m taking one.

    Depression is just another face of both life and sobriety. At least we know the depression isn’t really just disappointment in ourselves that we are drinking too much!

    Hugs.

    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Anne, hugs back. So sorry it’s hit you so hard. You’ve had some major shit to deal with, so it’s understandable. Though still very shitty.

      I agree about having the drinking bit out the way being a positive thing.

      Hugs back ❤️

      Nadine

      Like

  2. Ahhh depression. Don’t feel ashamed, you are not alone with this. I find being sober doesn’t make the depression go away. Funny that. I notice it coming better. It will always come back. I have accepted it now. I don’t fight it. It leaves when it leaves. Be kind to yourself. The fog while in depression makes finding the door to the room difficult. Sit it out with a film, a book, a cup of tea, a blanket, a cat. Get snugly.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you… funny about the cats. The ones that drop by here sometimes fill my heart with happiness. Their fuzzy legs. The way they roll about in the sun with no guilt, taking time to relax.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Our cats remind me to just be. The rolling around they do is classic. Ours expect full body pats when they plonk themselves down on the floor. I love spoiling them.
        One ate too fast today and threw up! No one is perfect. Although she is close.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a brilliant writer and a wonderful role model. I love your blog, there is such honesty there.
    Deciding not to drink is damn hard and sometimes very lonely. But you are not alone❤️

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I agree with limetwiste feel no shame. You’re human. I got sober and gained weight, couldn’t sleep for shit, and my depression decided to continue to fuck with me from time to time. The thing to remember is we got sober and are growing and learning day by day. I enjoy your posts and they have helped me keep steering straight. I can relate to these mental frick storms. For me I get quiet, listen, and adjust. Focus on taking care of you Nadine.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Three things:

    1. I was incredibly depressed, even a year sober. It’s just the way my brain is. I tried everything. I switched my diet to include a well rounded cast of vegetables to make sure I was getting vitamins, I made sure to get 30 minutes of sunlight a day, I exercised… Nothing worked. Finally my psychiatrist figured out the right medication combo for me and I’ve been living my best life since. Don’t take depression as not being a shining example of sobriety. Most of is drank BECAUSE we’re depressed. It doesn’t just go away unfortunately.

    2. I think everybody feels the way you do… That we don’t know what we’re doing and we’re just figuring it out as we go along. Confident people just look like they have a clue. That doesn’t mean you’re not a good role model. A bad role model doesn’t try.

    3. You wrote this post on your phone?! Much respect, haha!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks on points number 1 and 2… funny, yesterday that’s exactly the thought that crossed my mind, to see about medications. Have never taken any. But I know for some, also high-profile people like Glennon Doyle and others, they work wonders, and look what that enables them to do (basically, save the world). But then I hear from others that it doesn’t work for them or that they need to increase their dosage, which worries me. I’m not sure I’m ready yet (also involves finding a psychiatrist and paying for it, since we have no medical care plan and pay everything out of pocket) but I really appreciate your input. Wonderful to hear a positive story.

      About number 3, haha thanks well I’d never done that before and thought I’d try it out. I got inspired after reading SoberAndWell’s post (while I was supposed to be plugging my phone to charge, just before heading off to bed. ;)) Tapping into a tiny screen definitely helped bypass the inner critic so might try that again next time. Ended up publishing from my computer though, due to technical issues and getting distracted. Nice that the draft-saving was seamless between mobile and desktop.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Full disclosure it took me almost a year to get the right combination of medications, mainly due to a bad psychiatrist I had at first who had one foot in retirement already. Once I got my new one everything moved quickly but during that year the stuff I got put on made me almost suicidal. So I understand hesitation. In the end, I think it was worth it. If anything I’m more appreciative of how I feel now!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. That’s great to know. I’m so happy you found the right combo and psychiatrist. Also that it moved quickly once that happened. My friend said she had to be on hers for six months to get the full benefit and that didn’t sound too good to me.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m not really sure what you are ashamed of? You have NOTHING to be ashamed of instead you should be proud. One thing giving up our addictions to is strips us of our comfort blanket and it lays all our emotions and feelings bare for us to learn to deal with. It is only natural that we have overwhelming patches like you are going through. If it makes you feel anymore normal I go from feeling so blessed to depressed often. If it is helping you keep coming on here and writing it out and lean on us for a while. There is so much love and support here so take all that you need. XOX

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yep, nothing to be ashamed of, you are not alone! If anything, your metaphorical skills -and the help that other receive from reading about the hound- are something to be proud of! Instead of shouting dégage, I would also try petting/talking to the hound (gently asking “qu’est-ce qui se passe?”) and seeing what his deeper emotional needs might be and what healthy thing(s) you could do for him to feel better. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot for the encouragement and good reminder, yes we need to be kind to our emotions… but sometimes need to send wine hounds packing, when we’re not capable of anything better. ;)) ❤️

      Like

  8. Definitely no shame in depression. It can hit anyone at any time. How we deal with it is the key and seems like you have the support and inner strength to get you through. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.