18:00 Having a hard time getting anything done. Tomorrow we leave on vacation and what I have to do is not really a big deal but each thing seems difficult. Reservation printouts and directions. Last minute emails regarding the kids’ school enrolment for the following year. Deciding on which tent setups to bring, how many towels. It sounds ridiculous but there it is. I often feel this kind of overwhelm. I know the answer is to do one little thing. Then another and another.
My husband is like a machine, he keeps moving until things are complete. I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with someone like me. I do get things done but at a snail’s pace compared to him. Sometimes in my head I try to chalk it up to “artist mentality” but I feel like I’m playing a cheat card. Which I probably am. I also sometimes like to chalk it up to peri-menopause. Perhaps that is more fair. I went through a big hormonal shift, it’s a bit like being a teenager again.
I feel so incredibly grateful to be going on this trip tomorrow. It’s the same mindfulness retreat I took the younger kids to last year at a Buddhist monastery. I was in a cracked-open and pink-cloudy state of mind and being at the retreat was better than I ever could have dreamed. I mean some things were annoying and hard (the nights were mostly sleepless, camping side by side so close to others — for this reason, and the sweltering heat, most of the wonderful people I met there are not repeating the experience), but the people, oh, the people… and what an amazing program the monastics had created for us “lay people.” And vegan meals… that was the biggest surprise and a dream come true for me, that the meals were included. And vegan. And delicious beyond belief… (yes delicious vegan food can happen. Apparently if not cooked by me).
This year I’ve signed up my husband and the two eldest boys in the teen camp as well. They are grumbly about it but I hope it will bring us ultimately closer as a family. Even though we have to stay at two different camps (they arrange activities by children’s ages, as well as by gender from age 13 and up), I want them to experience this introduction to mindful living. Maybe then we can all be more on the same wavelength. I am actually quite sure my husband will love it (though not the white nights and sweltering tents part). He’s an amazing cook and I’m also hoping he’ll get inspired to copy the vegan recipes :)))
Right now the kids are all on their technology… this depresses me in the back of my mind. I try to remain positive about the fact that at least they are playing fairly tame games and watching tame shows. I am facing all the screens right now.
My fellow-crazy-lady friend, let’s call her Freya, after the Norse goddess, invited me for a last-minute aperitif by text message earlier today. I hmmm and hawed and finally said no, as I was too stressed about packing. In the end I could not bear the thought of sitting on her deck, where I am accustomed to pouring down glass after glass of wine and happily getting blitzed, yet this time remain sober. All while meeting her new lover. Last year I did brilliantly on this task, sober (and then, it was a different new lover), but then, within a month or so of that, I was back to believing myself capable of moderating again. And this time feels different. I’m more cynical and less pink-cloudy.
Also, to be completely honest, after our lunch over a week ago, I felt she and I had nothing much left to talk about. I also don’t want to hear anything about the parties with our mutual friends that I have not been invited to.
If she would drink comfortably around me it would be much better, but it all feels stilted and awkward and we don’t jive the way we used to. A lot has happened in the past year. I felt that she helped drive a wedge between me and our mutual friends… I have confronted her with this and she denies it, but since she lies constantly (that is certainly a fact, for she has confided many of her lies to me, before I started putting my fingers in my ears and singing la la la), I don’t feel I can trust her. So there’s that too. I feel terrible writing these kinds of things. I did love her very much. I still love the heart and soul of her… and I long for a time that we could be true friends, instead of, strange to admit it but… drinking buddies.
So odd to me, that people you think of as friends turn out to have perhaps just been drinking buddies, once you decide to abstain from alcohol… I’m having really hard time with that. I believed them to be like family, perhaps in some ways closer than family…
I miss god as well, and I feel so strange talking about god at all… there must be a word for that? God-shame? coming from a family of philosophical-minded people, I loathe the idea of being “lumped in” with “religious people.” This is terribly small-minded on my part and, I realize, essentially amounts to “holier-than-thou” (or “not-holier-than-thou”?) prejudice. And a kind of non-self-acceptance, which of course I already know I have. And to not accept oneself, is to not accept god… and to not accept god, is to not accept oneself…
This feels amazing to write about though.
The tree is outside shaking its leaves in the sun… it will still be here while we’re gone.
Hope you are all well,
xo one sober tree-lover
p.s. might try to unglue myself from WP for this week, to be more mindful and all. We’ll see how that goes… lol. either way, lots of love in the meantime, sober friends ❤︎