Day/eve 106 – Unpacking some thoughts

18:00 Having a hard time getting anything done. Tomorrow we leave on vacation and what I have to do is not really a big deal but each thing seems difficult. Reservation printouts and directions. Last minute emails regarding the kids’ school enrolment for the following year. Deciding on which tent setups to bring, how many towels. It sounds ridiculous but there it is. I often feel this kind of overwhelm. I know the answer is to do one little thing. Then another and another.

My husband is like a machine, he keeps moving until things are complete. I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with someone like me. I do get things done but at a snail’s pace compared to him. Sometimes in my head I try to chalk it up to “artist mentality” but I feel like I’m playing a cheat card. Which I probably am. I also sometimes like to chalk it up to peri-menopause. Perhaps that is more fair. I went through a big hormonal shift, it’s a bit like being a teenager again.

I feel so incredibly grateful to be going on this trip tomorrow. It’s the same mindfulness retreat I took the younger kids to last year at a Buddhist monastery. I was in a cracked-open and pink-cloudy state of mind and being at the retreat was better than I ever could have dreamed. I mean some things were annoying and hard (the nights were mostly sleepless, camping side by side so close to others — for this reason, and the sweltering heat, most of the wonderful people I met there are not repeating the experience), but the people, oh, the people… and what an amazing program the monastics had created for us “lay people.” And vegan meals… that was the biggest surprise and a dream come true for me, that the meals were included. And vegan. And delicious beyond belief… (yes delicious vegan food can happen. Apparently if not cooked by me).

This year I’ve signed up my husband and the two eldest boys in the teen camp as well. They are grumbly about it but I hope it will bring us ultimately closer as a family. Even though we have to stay at two different camps (they arrange activities by children’s ages, as well as by gender from age 13 and up), I want them to experience this introduction to mindful living. Maybe then we can all be more on the same wavelength. I am actually quite sure my husband will love it (though not the white nights and sweltering tents part). He’s an amazing cook and I’m also hoping he’ll get inspired to copy the vegan recipes :)))

Right now the kids are all on their technology… this depresses me in the back of my mind. I try to remain positive about the fact that at least they are playing fairly tame games and watching tame shows. I am facing all the screens right now.

My fellow-crazy-lady friend, let’s call her Freya, after the Norse goddess, invited me for a last-minute aperitif by text message earlier today. I hmmm and hawed and finally said no, as I was too stressed about packing. In the end I could not bear the thought of sitting on her deck, where I am accustomed to pouring down glass after glass of wine and happily getting blitzed, yet this time remain sober. All while meeting her new lover. Last year I did brilliantly on this task, sober (and then, it was a different new lover), but then, within a month or so of that, I was back to believing myself capable of moderating again.  And this time feels different. I’m more cynical and less pink-cloudy.

Also, to be completely honest, after our lunch over a week ago, I felt she and I had nothing much left to talk about. I also don’t want to hear anything about the parties with our mutual friends that I have not been invited to.

If she would drink comfortably around me it would be much better, but it all feels stilted and awkward and we don’t jive the way we used to. A lot has happened in the past year. I felt that she helped drive a wedge between me and our mutual friends… I have confronted her with this and she denies it, but since she lies constantly (that is certainly a fact, for she has confided many of her lies to me, before I started putting my fingers in my ears and singing la la la), I don’t feel I can trust her. So there’s that too. I feel terrible writing these kinds of things. I did love her very much. I still love the heart and soul of her… and I long for a time that we could be true friends, instead of, strange to admit it but… drinking buddies.

So odd to me, that people you think of as friends turn out to have perhaps just been drinking buddies, once you decide to abstain from alcohol… I’m having really hard time with that. I believed them to be like family, perhaps in some ways closer than family…

I miss god as well, and I feel so strange talking about god at all… there must be a word for that? God-shame? coming from a family of philosophical-minded people, I loathe the idea of being “lumped in” with “religious people.” This is terribly small-minded on my part and, I realize, essentially amounts to “holier-than-thou” (or “not-holier-than-thou”?) prejudice. And a kind of non-self-acceptance, which of course I already know I have. And to not accept oneself, is to not accept god… and to not accept god, is to not accept oneself…

This feels amazing to write about though.

The tree is outside shaking its leaves in the sun… it will still be here while we’re gone.

Hope you are all well,

xo one sober tree-lover

p.s. might try to unglue myself from WP for this week, to be more mindful and all. We’ll see how that goes… lol. either way, lots of love in the meantime, sober friends ❤︎

23 thoughts on “Day/eve 106 – Unpacking some thoughts

    1. It’s definitely not top of the charts for any of these guys over here either. 🙄😉 I put my people-pleasing tendencies aside on this one… I wanted it so much, and think it will give so much long-term benefit, that I’m actually able to shrug off all the complaining. This is uncharacteristic decisiveness for me, and a direct result of sobriety. 🎉 Thanks for being here, Anne, always love to see you. ❤️ and you just helped me remember why sobriety is so good.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I had to break up with my best friend when I finally realized that we were just drinking buddies. She started calling me at all times of the night drunk and crazy (like I used to do to my parents, now that I think of it) and I realized we now have different goals in life. It was hard, but necessary. I understand!!! 💖💖💖
    Enjoy your retreat!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Amazing you’re taking your kids to a retreat! Sounds wonderful. The friend stuff is resonating for me and whether relationships are strong enough to change with me – the best ones will I hope 🧘🏻‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I hope they’ll end up enjoying it. :)) Me too, hoping for the best friendships to pull through in the end… 🤞

      Thanks for your visit, I love your new blog!!! 🎉💕

      Ok I will finally toddle off to bed now.
      #wordpressaddict #hopelessblogfiend #stillhaventfinishedpacking 😬#butstillsober. 😴

      Like

      1. Thank you for sharing… have a wonderful break, uv convinced me to take the trip to a retreat in turkey, holistic and vegetarian.. thank you so much 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Have an awesome trip!! I bet soon you will meet a new friend who loves to sit on a patio with a non-alcoholic drink soon! Sexysobriety ( Rebecca ) just put one on Instagram I’m dying to try!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jackie! 🤗 💛😊 Keep meaning to check out her account. Monica is on there now btw (I think it’s @monicajustmonica) — and she is making sober insta way more fun! 😂😺🤡😸

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope you have a wonderful vacation! I look forward to hearing about it! There’s a show I really enjoy watching The Chef’s Table. Joeong Kwan Is a Korean Buddhist nun. Her artistry with food is magnificent!

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, both parties in a relationship bring different strengths. When we travel I am always the one that packs and get things organized. I don’t think less of my husband because that’s not his strong suit. 😘
    The time our boys spend on their tablets or playing video games is an ongoing battle in our house. It’s definitely an area I am not winning as a mother at.
    My circle of friends is practically nonexistent it’s so small. I can Definitely relate to how you feel. I definitely feel sad about it at times, but Honestly the drama and unnecessary uneasiness trying to appease others or fit in with them is not worth it. They probably don’t deserve your good heart. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Sam. Agreed about the drama and people pleasing ❤️ That show sound amazing! Ill have to check it out, thanks for the link… I also have to ask the nuns where they buy all these vegan products. Today we had ice cream from their shop… rice milk cream with dark chocolate coating, was amazing and couldn’t tell the diff. Hugs xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sounds wonderful that your going with your family to a retreat, I’d love that but my kids called me a crazy yoga lady yesterday 🧘‍♂️, I said thanks 🙏 that’s a compliment actually 😆 👍🏼 – have a super time ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to miss god, too. I missed the thought that there was some Great Big Good working and controlling everything behind the scenes. It gave me peace of mind. Now, I think, no, things… just happen. But, I can be the Great Big Good in my own, and the devil just the same. Sometimes, one second I am one and the next the other! I miss the illusion of there being a nicely wrapped up happy ending for all the good people and a deserved unhappy end for the bad apples. But, it isn’t that clear cut, is it? No one is all god or bad…. not even our gods. You have given me.much food for thought. I’ll have to write this out over at my own place. I hope your retreat was wonderful.

    Allie

    Like

    1. I love your comment so much, Allie… thank you. Helps me see I was not clear… I don’t miss *constructs* of god, which I was lucky enough never to have forced upon me (though that may be a welcome balm as well, in the darkest-feeling times); but rather I miss the feeling of *connection* with true god-energy as I’ve experienced it… that feeling of molecules electrified, and matter meaning nothing and everything at once, and just true, unadulterated aliveness and connectivity at the soul-level. That’s what I mean about missing god…

      I look forward to reading your writing, dear Allie…

      The retreat was awful for me at times and great in others, but overall a blessing in growth. Super grateful for having had the opportunity. Thanks again for your lovely comment,

      xoxo n

      Liked by 1 person

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