22:59 This morning I did a bunch of stuff that felt important at the time but turned out to be more likely meaningless verging on ridiculous. Then I got my act together, made lunch for the fam — salad plus leftovers from the curry Monsieur had made last night, plus the remainder of the red-current pie I’d made yesterday with fresh berries. (Yes, I am feeling pie-ous.)
Then I painted the main wall of the kitchen, while Monsieur poured more concrete. The man’s in love with concrete… he’s also a workhorse. I admire that about him. I used to be as well. Or maybe I still am but in different ways. But today, I was more like him. Which felt productive.
For Sunday family movie night we watched Back To The Future part 2. Last week had been part 1. I noticed two things: 1) that Biff was basically a precursor to the current US president (complete with blond comb-over) and 2) ALL THE BAD GUYS DRANK. This is a good family movie in my books.
The kitchen wall is a pale heaven blue and I can’t stop admiring it. I’ve been wanting to do this for ages but I’ve been too indecisive and hopeless (“what’s the point?”) and lacking energy. So I believe my having done it today is an indication that well-being may be on the upswing. It helped to announce to anyone who happened to be “listening” that I would do this, TODAY, in the comments of “Sam I Am”‘s blog. Thanks Sam. Sam has been busy flying high and seeking peace. I feel amazed by Sam.
I must admit that unlike Sam, I have few instances where people are enticing me to drink. I also do know from experience that if you say no often enough and decisively enough, the requests will stop. Which is both a blessing and a curse at first… due to the feeling of intense aloneness. But as Sam herself said, “This Too Shall Pass.” Heaven wasn’t built in a day and all that.
I don’t work outside the home (except at a volunteer place once in a while), and I have avoided social events that might be booze focused till very recently.
Besides the early subtle pressure from my husband, which I’ve blogged about here several times, and which has now all but disappeared, lunch with fellow-crazy-lady has been the main exception.
During said lunch, in spite of my ordering alcohol-free beer (miracle that they had it on the menu! very unusual) crazy lady said “we must have a wine night.” She seemed so surprised when I said I didn’t plan on drinking any wine. I thought she knew all that.
Still, I can understand her not “getting” it because I’m careful this time around not to make sweeping statements about my intentions. I don’t want to push my own self-sabotage buttons. So what *did* I say? I wish I’d journaled about it right afterwards… but basically I think I just said wine had been once again causing me too much anxiety (which was true) and I just prefer not to drink it anymore. That I felt much happier in general without it. (Also true. Though I had to secretly admit that in that particular *moment,* I did *not* feel happier without it… the lunch out with my favourite “party” friend was just not the same without wine.)
I remember Dwight saying, in a comment on one of my posts, something to the effect that things begin to look different with continuous sobriety. Not all of those things look as pleasant as they once did. And that that’s not always a bad thing. It’s hard to come to terms with some of them, but this is actually progress, no matter how much it feels like descent (because it causes suffering).
I love the four noble truths, in Buddhism:
- there is suffering
- there is a course of action that leads to suffering
- there is cessation of suffering (happiness)
- there is a course of action (a path) that leads to the cessation of suffering (happiness)
I first began to absorb them last year when I read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called “No Mud, No Lotus.” I had also just seen the amazing glowing beings that are lotuses, at the monastery in the Dordogne. They do in fact grow straight out of mud and swamp water. Possibly the most beautiful flowers I have ever laid eyes on…
Last night was really hard for me, hearing my neighbours’ party, to which I had once again not been invited; I felt very alone. And I was very much noticing myself following the old thought train that “hedonism is more fun.” But I was remembering all the “good times” only. Funny, it’s so easy to remember the “good things” about drinking and completely forget the suffering it caused.
I stopped for a reason, or rather multiple reasons. I stopped *multiple times over* for multiple reasons. Each time, it was because my life had literally become unmanageable, even if no one could see that; even if only because of my state of mind.
I don’t want to lose my footing now.
I’m standing on that mountainside, like one lone sheep in the wind, and letting the feelings wash through me.
I want to express gratitude for my husband today. I vented about last night and the sheep and the party I could hear going on without me and he framed it perfectly, though at the time it annoyed me: “You mean you don’t like it because it feels like high school all over again.” (He’s not much a fan of social stuff. It’s no skin at all off his back, if we’re not invited to those parties.)
I was annoyed because I wanted a little coddling and commiseration, but that’s not really his strength. On the plus side he’d really nailed it. My life right now, with my friend in town and a very similar repeat of the events of last year taking place, it does feel like high school or Real Housewives or any other situation in which those who *do* play honestly, fairly and reasonably *don’t* get rewarded. That’s really how it feels in that moment of suffering.
But it’s not true. We who play fair, and as best as we know how, certainly will be rewarded in the end, in the matters that count at least. It just requires vision and faith to know this.
23:57 so tired. wish we could get the kids to bed earlier. it’s a struggle every night. but grateful they are sleeping now.
sobrietytree.home.blog/sobrietytree.com – Day/night 102
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