07:20 why do I put the time here sometimes? It’s my anti-perfectionist mechanism. If I put the time I’m gaming my own system of being too paralyzed with fear of failure to write, and too paralyzed with fear of imperfection to hit publish. So I put the time, and now it feels like a stopwatch is running; it’s a fun game to “beat the clock” — i.e. see how many imperfect words I can lay down before I have to go.
First off back to the “crazy friend” story. Last time she came I had to (once again) re-define boundaries for myself. As laid out here: A friend in need (written day 22/23)
crap, my coffee’s ready but I forgot the rice milk. Back in a sec.
07:27 so I am back here in our “guest caravan” which we also sometimes use as an office. We still only have two bedrooms in the house. Living in a house we’re renovating and raising kids in means (for us at least) that it takes a really long time to get things done. There has been a whole new roof (including oak beams replaced, and a bunch of skylights put in), floors put into what before was the empty “barn side” of this little farmhouse, the old and rotting middle floor replaced, short doorways enlarged, double glazed windows installed, and more… but still we have only two bedrooms — one for us, one for the four kids. This “guest caravan” is thus a godsend. I don’t use it often enough. We installed it here the first year, when my parents were coming, a little ways away from the house.
The neighbouring fields are freshly mown. Haystacks in big golden whorls. It’s hot as hades here, yet a storm must be coming within the week, what with all the tractor activity going on. (I never need to check the weather. I just check the farmers and the sky.)
yesterday it was so hot, we went to the lake for a dip… mind you this is a tiny lake, near a tiny village, usually deserted but for a handful of fishermen. This time it seemed everyone had come from far and wide to bathe… the French as a general people won’t even dip their toes in unless the water temperature is a certain temperature — I believe it’s officially 24 or 26 degrees Celsius, whatever shows in large blinking red numbers displayed in most public pools here. If the locals go in the water in early summer it’s because it’s hot as blazes and then one will go in first and proclaim… “Elle est bonne.” (It — the water — a feminine noun, in French — is “good.”) In that case a few more may enter. On this day, no such pronouncement was necessary. In the heat wave, the water was the only place to be “good.”
Husband was in immediately, the kids following him like ducks. I straightened our stuff on the little beach, then went in too.
I floated on my back in the ridiculously warm water — it was like a bath. I spread my arms outward and propelled myself slowly backwards towards the middle of the lake. I felt like a manta ray. Sun sparkling everywhere, my ears submerged, I could hear nothing but some far away movement in the water, distant splashing. Above me, a raptor was flying so high it was almost invisible. It mirrored my wide-winged action. I could have sworn it was looking at me, communicating with me. We seemed to float as one, one in water one in sky.
07:43 small interruption and I have to go. I will add more to this post later. publish now or publish later? I guess I will try adding on to the post pre-publish, and then publishing at end of day. In the beginning I hit publish right away. Then added on after (those posts I marked with (+++) in the title back then. No clue what I’m doing basically. Making up processes as I go along…
07:45 interruption held off for a minute.
I note these things here in case you, silent, non-interactive listeners, are like I once was, paralyzed with fear and perfectionism and not knowing how to begin.
Btw: how to start your own anonymous sobriety (or sobriety-curious) blog…
step zero (which I’ve added on after writing the rest of them): read all of these instructions first, and then decide which is the best order to do them in. I have no clue.
step one: go to gmail (or other email service) and make an anonymous email address (e.g. sobrietytree @ gmail.com – but of course that is now taken ;)). stop obsessing over the name. seriously. you will both hate it and love it no matter what, so just pick one. Sometimes I still think of changing the name of this blog, but bottom line I can’t be bothered for the moment.
Note: yes Google will know that your other gmail account (real name) and this new one (pseudo) are linked. Google knows everything. After a while you need to stop caring, to be creative… and thus progressive, evolutionary… vision and faith. Be aware of the badness in the world, but have faith in the goodness of the world.
step two: go to wordpress.com. (yes I’ve tried every other blogging platform in the known universe. including wordpress.org. I might change to any one of those again sometime, but this is the one with the the best community I’ve found — and that’s why I’m here. Mutual support is fun. take my advice, or leave it and continue spinning in your own abyss… I know that can be fun and/or necessary, as well.)
step three: follow the instructions wordpress.com gives you, to set up your free anonymous blog. again. don’t stress. just go with the flow. try to choose a name that doesn’t have 10 numbers after it. but ultimately it doesn’t matter. This is only your first blog. You can make many more (as I have).
step four: start blogging.
step five: start reading other blogs and INTERACTING with them. This is a community, not a follow-the-unknown-leader game. (Seriously… there are some sobriety bloggers on here who want to be seen as “the expert.” Most are men. I get that. Many men are trained from birth to believe they need to be seen as the expert to get ahead. That’s great if it works for you. It’s not my bag.
This is a forest or a tree, not a bunch of empty seating around a pulpit with one man preaching. “We are all the trees and/or the leaves.” Trees are not following anything. They’re just being. Let’s just be, together.
07:57 wtf. Haven’t even gotten to the friend story yet.
Okay I know myself. I will never publish if I don’t do it now. Friend story to follow.
stillness and peace (as Anne says)
vision and faith
p.s. check out Sam I Am’s latest post, from today… “Elle est bonne.” (Edit 09:36: By the way I found Sam’s blog because she “followed” mine, on her “Day 1″… and I’m so happy she did, since her blog — and her mutual support and understanding, like that of others among you — is really helpful.)
p.p.s. thanks to all of you who interact. I keep doing a terrible job of naming some but not enough… Jackie, you’ve been the hugest help to me (hope to see a blog from you someday ;)). Dwight too… thank you