10:13 I made it this far. And while the going at times gets tough, I keep going. I know it’s worth it.
I have been thinking about something.
I like what Anne said, commenting on my last post, about stillness and peace.
(That’s how she signs her posts, if you don’t already know.)
I could use a lot more stillness and peace.
In my own head.
I felt so bad about my last post, after publishing it. The ultimate irony: Still Not Good Enough. That was my judgement on myself.
But here’s something good:
Not Alone. Thanks to you all.
Truly, thank you. Jackie, Anne, Wendy and Connor/James; SAM and anyone else who drops by. Even, and perhaps especially, in some ways, Nelson.
I know I am Not Alone.
I know have problems in my relationship with my husband.
Besides our four children, which we deliberately brought into this world together, we have a long history, with a lot of loving moments, travelling adventures, philosophical talks and much laughter; and a deep bond of love that has persisted through many years. (We met more than two decades ago. We were at a bar. He was the shining light for me… and it seemed that I was his. It took a year before we kissed.)
He is my best friend, in many ways.
I do believe we saw each other’s souls back then.
Over the past years I’m learning I feel that about most people.
I love people’s souls. It’s not really specific. I love, I love, a lot.
And I am beginning to wonder if love is not currently the answer for me.
I know that sounds harsh.
But what if I tried things a different way?
“Stillness and peace,” like Anne.
“Vision and faith.”
To try not to smooth everything over with love. To not smother with love (the children). To not forgive and forgive and forget, with love.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Love, nor forgiveness. Or even with a little forgetfulness.
But the ultimate Love does not look like passion. Nor martyrdom. Nor anything else that is ultimately selfish.
In my view, it looks more like stillness and peace.
To attain stillness and peace,
Vision and faith.
That’s a lot harder for me to maintain
But I’ll give it a try.