3 months of sobriety

10:13  I made it this far. And while the going at times gets tough, I keep going. I know it’s worth it.

I have been thinking about something.

I like what Anne said, commenting on my last post, about stillness and peace.

(That’s how she signs her posts, if you don’t already know.)

I could use a lot more stillness and peace.

In my own head.

.

I felt so bad about my last post, after publishing it. The ultimate irony: Still Not Good Enough. That was my judgement on myself.

But here’s something good:

Not Alone. Thanks to you all.

Truly, thank you. Jackie, Anne, Wendy and Connor/James; SAM and anyone else who drops by. Even, and perhaps especially, in some ways, Nelson.

I know I am Not Alone.

.

I know have problems in my relationship with my husband.

Besides our four children, which we deliberately brought into this world together, we have a long history, with a lot of loving moments, travelling adventures, philosophical talks and much laughter; and a deep bond of love that has persisted through many years. (We met more than two decades ago. We were at a bar. He was the shining light for me… and it seemed that I was his. It took a year before we kissed.)

He is my best friend, in many ways.

.

I do believe we saw each other’s souls back then.

But.

Over the past years I’m learning I feel that about most people.

I love people’s souls. It’s not really specific. I love, I love, a lot.

And I am beginning to wonder if love is not currently the answer for me.

I know that sounds harsh.

But what if I tried things a different way?

Such as:

“Stillness and peace,” like Anne.

Or:

“Vision and faith.”

To try not to smooth everything over with love. To not smother with love (the children). To not forgive and forgive and forget, with love.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Love, nor forgiveness. Or even with a little forgetfulness.

But the ultimate Love does not look like passion. Nor martyrdom. Nor anything else that is ultimately selfish.

In my view, it looks more like stillness and peace.

To attain stillness and peace,

 

I need

Vision and faith.

 

That’s a lot harder for me to maintain

than love.

 

But I’ll give it a try.

 

***

sobrietytree

18 thoughts on “3 months of sobriety

  1. Keep up the brilliant work on your blog, I’ve only been reading your blog and blogging myself for 2 days but your blog is very intriguing , always speaking the mind as some people can be afraid to share their thoughts. You’ve just put it right out their for people to read and that’s what I love to see. Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and emotions, we’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure what to say, except your relationship sounds like mine was and as it ends I do see clear,y that I used the idea of love to be codependant.
    I accepted a lot less than I deserved and although I pretended otherwise (even to myself) I had decided my wants came second to being a loving and supportive partner.

    Read melodie beatties book and just see….

    3 months is both awesome and short. Just keep paying attention to how life really is. I always thing when I got sober the veil lifted, but it took a while to understand how life really was.

    Stillness and peace 😘
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Anne 😘 I know it’s short, and I’ve gone longer before (though nothing like what you’ve achieved). I don’t take it for granted. But last time I didn’t mark or celebrate my achievements, even to myself. This time I try differently. ☺️

      I love your words of wisdom and will check out that book. Thanks again Anne ❤️

      Like

  3. Happy 3 Months!
    Celebrate each day, as staying sober is an achievement in this drinking world!
    My marriage has only deepened since I stopped drinking. I know that is not true for everyone.
    It’s not only love, but friendship, understanding we are both human, and joy.
    We are just happy.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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