Day 80 – happy! depressed! grateful

21:26 Wow, I made it to 80 days! I feel really happy and grateful about this. I secretly hope it’s forever but I’m taking it one day at a time. Each day I wake up and “know” reflexively that I will not drink, that I have no desire to return to that confusion of “should I drink” and “do I have a problem.” And then I remind myself of that, if I ever get a twinge, later in the day — which happens rarely.

However, at the moment I am not feeling well at all. Also I am so sorry for that last post. I mean, I’m not sorry for writing it (I’m a big proponent of writing out feelings, no matter how crappy) but I’m sorry in a way for sharing it, since it was hastily and desperately done, and thus, I feel, rude and careless. I sincerely apologize for that if it was offensive to any of you (though ironically, of course, it got a much higher like-to-view ratio that the post that took me hours to link and format! Such are the mysteries of blogging).

That said, it was the truth of how I felt in that moment. Perhaps it’s best to show that side of me. Friends be forewarned, serious mess up in here!

By the way I just want to give a shoutout to Wendy, inspiring un-tipsy teacher, and ever a kind fellow cheerleader of fellow bloggers. Thanks so much Wendy for cheering us all on even in the worst of times. 🏆 Also G4G, another recovery advocate here on WP; thanks for helping us remember to be grateful for the basics in life. 🙏 Such a nice post today on birds and flowers by the way, with beautiful photos.

And Jacquelyn… just giant huge hugs. Appreciate your support so much. ❤️

That night, I seriously had been considering giving up blogging. I definitely have issues. I still feel it’s become another addiction, in some ways. So… yeah. I went back to the yarn shop, yesterday afternoon during the school run, and bought the ball of yarn. And late that night, instead of blogging I started to knit. I knit and knit, unravelled and re-knit, had to basically learn knitting all over again. And I finally, after much trial and error, got the groove. Kind of like writing, or blogging. It can take a few false starts. (Pssst, that was a hint to you, non-yet-blogging readers… join us. You must assimilate! Resistance is futile, muahahaha. ;)))

But I really missed blogging. (I know, it’s only been about 22 hours. But it was partly the fact that I’d been thinking of giving it up completely that made me miss it so much.) And I felt like sobriety wasn’t as much fun without it. Dang depressing actually.

But I did re-learn something interesting from the knitting, which can also apply to other areas of life:

As fellow knitters know, sometimes we drop a stitch or knit it the wrong way. Then we have two choices: we can unravel the work, i.e. essentially delete the piece back to the dropped/incorrect stitch, then re-knit the unravelled rows correctly; or, we can learn early on how to fix dropped stitches, using a crochet hook to mend the “run.”

My piece wasn’t very many stitches across yet (I am starting on one “point” of the shawl), so I could have unravelled without much time loss. However, I chose to fix the run instead, though it meant I’d have to spend quite some time fiddling around, since I’d forgotten how. The reason I decided to mend rather than unravel was because I remember learning to do this years ago when I first learned knitting. (In the beginning, it can be incredibly frustrating.) And I remember that learning to fix a run requires a lot of attention to the stitch detail and mechanics. If you can learn to fix a run, you’ll more easily avoid making runs in future, because you truly have to understand the mechanics of the stitches in order to correct the mistake. The more you understand the mechanics of the stitches, the less you’ll make those same mistakes in future.

I likened this to being accountable. It’s tempting to not be accountable on a blog (i.e. sweep “mistakes” under the proverbial carpet), because hey, the blog is mainly for ourselves, right? It’s our space, we can do as we like with it. Especially those of us with a small audience, or so we might think.

But… maybe not. After all, whatever we put out there does affect people (well, the people actually reading, rather than liking-for-liking, at least). And also, people, I mean *real* people (i.e. not fake-likers or like-for-likers) who interact genuinely, as many of you do, are truly helping me. In a huge way.

You are my fellow sobriety-loving (or at least, sobriety-curious) community — the only one I’ve got!

By the way, that is what the metaphor of the Tree is.

I mean, there is also a real Tree — it’s the huge, gorgeous, I-believe-in-angels-residing linden tree outside our house — but the “tree,” as a metaphor in this blog, as in “the sobriety tree,” is symbolic of the sober community, and the good (and/or god/growing) energy within it.

But maybe you guessed that already. :))

In the words of a favourite children’s song:

“We are all the leaves of one tree.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Anyway, thanks so much for being here, now. And look at that! It’s only 23:05. Still a chance of getting some decent sleep. (Still have to work on that, though… the goal was 21:30!! 😬😁)


xo stl

p.p.s. I’m going to try to moderate, with blogging, that is… but we’ll see how that goes. Didn’t work too well for me with wine… 😉






2 thoughts on “Day 80 – happy! depressed! grateful

  1. Giant huge hugs back! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences and recommendations with us! 😃
    PS-Somehow I missed this blog this morning! Just seeing it now and so glad I did! Maybe I should get back working now. Hehehe…

    Liked by 1 person

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