Day 75 – taking deeper roots; endurance.

Yesterday felt absolutely awful.

What I did — attempting to make overlarge amends for something that was relatively insignificant, and then confusing the issue by getting completely sidetracked along the way — was not only hurtful to myself as well as ironically egotistical, but in fact nearly compromised my sobriety.

I had so much anxiety and such a (now-uncharacteristically) strong urge to drink afterwards. It’s always more challenging on the weekends to begin with, when my exposure to alcohol is increased. No need to beat myself up on top of it.

(In “real life,” I have no nearby peer support for my sobriety. However, my kids are a great source of positive inspiration and reinforcement. I am very grateful for that.)

I related very much to an image I saw last night, of an unraveled being lying naked:

Jcdow3arts-@-deviantart.com-(via-sobrietytree.home.blog)
Exposed. By Jcdow3arts

That is the image I will fix in my mind from now on, when contemplating publishing vulnerable material. Self-exposure at such raw levels is not only destroying to the one doing the exposing, but also to the onlooker. And yes, I do believe it may also be a mild form of artistic narcissism, as the source article says (linked at bottom), though any narcissism I have is rooted in insecurity, and lack of self-esteem, and certainly not in lack of compassion for others.

In fact, my post exemplified extreme lack of self-compassion – quite ironically, since it also featured this talk by Kristin Neff, as shared on Primrose’s blog:

 

“The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion” – TEDx by Kristin Neff

***

I love this poem:

Endurance

She in endurance

Takes deeper roots with each day

Grows towards the light

© Rupali 2019 via Reena’s Exploration Challenge [link below]

***

I was wrong yesterday. I am doing my best. I owe “the world” no apologies, no explanations. I forgive myself and I move forward. Onwards.

xo stl

 

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sobrietytree.home.blog/sobrietytree.com.

2 thoughts on “Day 75 – taking deeper roots; endurance.

  1. Perhaps doing the amends at that moment wasn’t the right time. If I was in your shoes, I would concentrate on what my thoughts were causing me to think about drinking. Thinking to myself in that situation, would a drink helped at all? What is going on with me – fear, guilt, shame, anger, resentment, etc. It’s been my experience, personal and others, doing amends is challenging. The point is if things don’t go right the first time, try again. Just make sure you’re in the right mental state. Hope that helps. MK

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    1. Thanks Mk but that is exactly what I did and perhaps why I succeeded. If I were in your shoes I hope I would try to listen, reflect and empathize more than prescribe. I know you have a lot of experience and it’s tempting to share expertise in the hopes of helping. But sometimes a vote of understanding, validation and/or solidarity can be more empowering. Thanks for your good intentions and for reaching out. I enjoy reading your posts as well 👍

      Like

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