17:46 I cannot believe the time. It has flown by. Had a lovely day today. Was up early this morning, husband looked after kids (and did amazing job of it). There was sunshine and birdsong. I got to do a whole day of creative basking. Super super grateful to my husband for this.
Sorry the site was offline, if you noticed; I’d made it private in settings while I worked on it, in order to avoid accidental email notifications lol. (Hope that worked…)
I re-read some old posts and published a few that had been set to “private” or just abandoned in the drafts folder, mainly due to uncertainly about whether they were “acceptable.” It’s nerve racking to publish sometimes, but later, reading things, I think, what was the big deal? In the moment it feels very raw and like it matters a lot. Later, not so much. It’s when my expectation of myself doesn’t match the result that I feel anxiety. Perhaps today’s release means that I am growing a bit more in line with my imagined reality, or that I am lowering my self-expectations, which for a recovering perfectionist is a good thing.
One problem I noticed is that I was somehow incorrectly counting the days in the first 50-something days or so. Not sure how to fix this without a lot of hassle (changing each title) so for now I’m leaving it alone. But day 22 should have been day 23 etc. This got resolved somehow on day 53.
One small thing I will come clean about, sobriety-related (warning, possible wine triggers):
My husband had left his final glass of red wine from last night’s bottle in the fridge. So when I opened the fridge this afternoon I saw it. At first I thought it was my Bonne Nouvelle (AF wine). It looked really tempting. I was alone since he had (thank the heavens! or rather him!) taken the kids out shopping. There was something very stimulating about the light in the fridge hitting the red liquid in the stem glass. So many old positive associations in my mind. The second time seeing it, I made the conscious decision to dip the tip of my finger in and taste it.
No surprise, the test confirmed it was in fact real (i.e. alcoholic) wine. Not that I really had needed to test it to know that. But I’d barely touched the wine to my tongue before promptly rinsing the rest off my finger. It had tasted bitter and repulsive.
Ergo: I have physically (though not always 100%-of-the-time mentally) lost the physical “taste” for wine.
Children are naturally revolted by the taste of substances like alcohol and coffee. I’m trying to teach mine to trust that natural revulsion.
love and hugs and thanks for being here
[Edit: p.s. removed for self-compassion reasons.]