Sort of thinking I’m okay the way I am

21:11 I was having a serious moment with my shoes today, deciding on a pair of summer sandals, I mean this is truly heartfelt and intense, I was like, silver-blue or dark blue or mocha, it was such hard work, thank you Amazon. But in all seriousness, I went through the old summer wardrobe and I noticed this dress in the closet that’d kind of hung off of me before, I threw it on and it was now quite snug, and looking rather well for it, I thought, eh, a little extra juiciness in the bod ain’t too bad really. As long as I’m exercising, drinking water and eating my fruits and veg, as I have been, the rest can sort itself out.

And then I also had another moment where I caught myself not minding where I was at in life for all of five minutes. That’s all I could manage today but it’s a start.

Yesterday I realized that my middle forehead (third eye? ;)) was gathered in a thick knot that was nigh impossible to undo, or so it seemed, of course if I’d just taken the time to relax it would be fine, but I was so focussed on my laptop screen I couldn’t be bothered. What was I doing, well hiding out from the neighbours, down in a trailer at the bottom of our property, yes I’m serious, they seem to come by on the two days of the week that the kids are in school all day, somehow I don’t feel that’s coincidental, but who can blame them. What was I doing hiding out, well my intention had been to work on a creative project, but instead I was blog-binging to be honest, I had a blog-binging attack like there was no tomorrow.

I’m feeling very lame and like kind of useless compared to the world, I currently think my biggest source of lack of self-esteem comes from not having a paid job. I do a little bit of volunteer work yes and I help with a few businesses in a very minor way but that’s it. This issue is really driving me crazy, I don’t know how to tackle it at all. I’m sort of wishing the universe would open up and drop the perfect job into my lap but I know it doesn’t work that way. The deep down problem is that I’m scared.

Scared of rejection, scared of not having enough time with my kids who are still young, scared of not liking the work, scared of …

sod it. This post is not working out. What was my title again? Oh yeah I’ll stick to that. “I’m a loving, well-rounded (ahem) mom of four and that’s enough.” For now at least. Regardless of who thinks otherwise. I know my kids are happy with that arrangement, and they are in fact the most important people in my universe.

Plus it gives me way more time with blogs and shoes.

xo stl

p.s. Day 70! I don’t really think about drinking booze at all, most days. Drinking more water than before, but still not enough. Did enjoy an alcohol-free (0% alc) beer last night with the veggie burgers I made for dinner. The kids love the burgers and they’re quick to make. Veggie burgers are a rare beast in France so I am really happy the local shop sells them now. The beer was “1664 blonde sans alcool.” It was perfect since the evening was hot and sunny, and we spent a lot of time splashing around in the little pool. And instead of possibly partying far too late by myself, as in the old days, on long summery evenings, I spent an hour with the little ones at bedtime pouring over the “1001 questions” book. I feel good about that.
cooking and drinking, alcohol-free.


p.p.s. shoe porn. (No I’ll never make it as a foot model. Guess I should dig out the nail polish. And the floor could use a clean…)
is there any angle I can make my feet look more tanned? apparently not. this was not the dress btw.

Feature image credit (50’s housewife):

4 thoughts on “Sort of thinking I’m okay the way I am

  1. I wish I could figure out a way to add a picture of my feet with sunless tanner all crazily streaked on them to help you feel better about yours. 🙂
    Sober is sober is sober. Whether you’re a full time mom, have an amazing job at a fantastic company or are unemployed. No matter what you do, I’ve found that as long as I’m stay away from the drink, things tend to work out. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Monica :)) ahahaha about the sunless tanner. 😂I went through a period of life in my twenties where I studied sunless tanning as though I could get a master’s degree in it. It’s all about exfoliation, then pre-application moisturizer lol

      Liked by 1 person

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