Day 64 – limbo and lump

Feeling a bit lump. What the hell is with this sugar issue. I made a cake today, angel food, with whole wheat flour. The last time I remember making cakes for no reason was in my (not-much-wine-drinking) baby-raising days. Oddly, even with whole wheat flour in such a normally-light cake, it turned out better than one would think… the kids loved it.

I want to be honest here, though honest is scary. I’m having issues with marriage. There is nothing really wrong. He is who he is and I am who I am and I feel like something changes around midlife for men and women both, where they seem to go in slightly different directions. I feel like for many guys it’s still about sex and for women, well for me at least, it’s different. There’s latent passion, sure; but there’s no longer that biological drive.

I feel the urge to immerse myself in creativity, but I’m momentarily stuck, there, as well. I’m in a kind of limbo where I’m not accomplishing much that would be of interest to anyone except me. I have “nothing to show for myself.”

One thing that is not an issue is alcohol… I have no urge to drink it, except for the fact that it would help me fit in to this crazy world better.

Ok I’ll be honest. I do want to drink it. I’ll tell you why… I have been exposed to it every day for the past week (husband’s been home; sister was here for visit. Nobody’s getting drunk, they’re just drinking it. And the weird thing (to me) is that I’m the one who’s weird.

I’m numbing out on my screen. Actually I’m trying to accomplish something creative –  a while back I mentioned that I was thinking of submitting to a literary contest… well, I can’t find the piece of writing I was going to submit. I’ve written that much and I’m that digitally disorganized. I have so many blogs, so many journals… I just want to throw my hands in the air.

There’s another thing I want to rant about…

[forgotten what that was]

Bonus: Recipe!

Whole wheat angel food cake, à la ma cuisine :))

Preheat oven to 325F (160C). Beat 10 or 11 egg whites (whites only! any fat will kill the froth! you can make vanilla custard with the yolks!) in non-greasy bowl (freshly-washed glass is best), till soft-peak stage. Add 1 tbs lemon juice, 1 tsp white vinger (or cream of tartar if you have it), and 1 tsp vanilla (optional). Gradually add 1.5 c sugar, beating all the while. then gradually sift in 1.25 c whole wheat flour. Pour into ungreased bunt pan (about 25 cm/10 in diametre; the kind with the tube in the middle). Bake for 40-45 mins or until knife comes out with no liquid batter showing. Cool upside-down (you can suspend it on a heavy glass bottle or other object! or just put it on a cooling rack) before gently removing from pan with the aid of a spatula or knife around the edges. Enjoy!]

xo st

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Edit 2019-06-08: post made private shortly after publishing (2018-05-30) due to FUD. Made public again now — after adding recipe. ;))

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