Day 58 – perfectly okay (+++ and also not sometimes)

08:22/52 Hi guys (this is a Canadianism/North-American colloquialism, of course I always mean “guys, gals, and anything between and/or apart from those”),

the sun is shining today, the birds are chirping very brightly, the air is actually growing warm again. A bit of sun does a lot of good for the soul. It’s been a rough couple of days psychologically, there have been moments of joy but mostly a kind of obsessive-neurotic driver manning my inner vehicle, and I have constantly had to remind myself to send that worried and tired and self-obsessed being down for a nap, and let Tree take over. Tree is a much more fun, free and safe driver, knows the world like the back of its branch, so to speak, and if I remember that I always feel better with Tree as our guide, we’ll all get along just fine. (“Our” meaning me, myself and the other guys/gals up in my head, that is.)

Another thing I want to tell you, I was reading my journal from exactly one year ago, as well as exactly the same number of days into my last major alcohol-free stint; what I want to tell you is it is so fascinating to see the psychological similarities, there really is some kind of cycle that our paths follow, the spiral path, as I call mine, I once got this phrase from the beginning of a book called “Your Life as Story” by Tristine Rainer, she asks us to decide what our own life’s path looks like, listing various forms, e.g. “pitched like a camel’s back, straight as a projectile, coiled like a pig’s corkscrew tail, or would it make a nimbus, a cochlea, a zigzag?” I saw mine definitely as a cochlea, the spiral nautilus form of the inner ear, I nearly wrote a book on it of course, but as with all things I barely began the book, let alone continued it or even thought about finishing it. The point is that my life takes a spiral journey, and I think everyone’s does in some way; after all, these shapes are all related, regardless of which you aesthetically prefer, in that they repeat their basic forms. All we can hope is that the spiral gradually ascends, that the zebra zig zag swells into a beautiful visual crescendo, that the camel’s back remains strong and marches stalwartly toward the oasis, that the nimbus allows itself to grow and encompass more within its crown.

What is my point? The point is two things:

1) Keep a journal

and

2) Understand that your journey is perfectly okay

That we are all experiencing

very similar anxieties, unhappinesses, wonderings, doubts,

 

and that

if we stay the course,

if we realign ourselves with god-energy

each and every day

that creative power

will bring us home

 

and home is everywhere and nowhere.

i.e. perfect bliss.

all we need is a few minutes of this.

and to let the minutes grow and grow

so that we find ourselves alive,

just purely aware and alive,

within

a moment.

 

xo

blessings near the Tree

 

***

13:16 [post-publish edit]

Note I am hopeless, I have so much cleaning to do before my sister arrives (she is allergic to dust, and has a magazine-style home herself, while we practically live in a barn) and I just can’t seem to make myself do it, I’d rather drink my face off instead…. funny I didn’t realize that till writing it now. It’s like packing for a trip, for me; the stress of probable failure in pleasing everyone is so great that I don’t even want to try. Fuck it let’s get ‘er done.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.