I have recently been feeling a bit confined in my own little blog by my day-numbering format. I now feel like it means that I have to post each day (though I didn’t necessarily start out feeling that way, and though it was very helpful to me in the beginning); it’s some weird obsessive trait in me.
I haven’t made that promise or commitment to anyone in the blogosphere nor outside this blog nor even to myself; I just blogged each day because it was keeping me sober and perhaps in case it was keeping others sober too, or perhaps getting others to ponder sobriety and think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, as others had done for me before I began this blog. But I’ve been not wanting to blog the last few days, yet doing it anyway and later feeling glad, for having this little record not only for others but perhaps most especially for myself, so that when I am feeling low, or were I to ever ponder drinking, or were I ever to fail and have to start again, I could come back here and the going would be easier for it, the next time around. And because I gained a feeling of connection from it (thanks to you who’ve responded — thank you!!!).
But I never again want to promise to myself that I will never drink again, nor that I shall blog every day, nor make any other in-itself-meaningless statement, not even to myself, for I feel that caused me to fail last time, due to some strange glitch in my inner workings, even if the one which essentially boils down to a desire for lifetime-openness-to-awareness-via-sobriety may or may not be among my deepest and most secret wishes. No, even then, I hope I shall only ever say, as Elizabeth said on her blog,
“I was sober yesterday, I am sober today and by the grace of God, I’ll be sober tomorrow.”
I may not say it as eloquently, and I may or may not include a capital G, or I may replace “God” with “Tree,” or “sober” with “Aware,” or whatever else suits me, but I will be referring to a power deeper and wider than myself, I will be referring to the underground linked root network of trees and the overarching and interconnecting molecules of air and matter and the many droplets that make a single body of water and the core of fire that beats beneath the earth’s crust, warming the stone and bone of its exterior. And I will only be centred in this moment here, right now.
Today I tried to work on “my book” (a non-existent thing), and “my book” began to complain about itself not getting written because of my distraction due to the urge to connect to people in the here and now, through social media, and I had found myself privately writing of farmlands and inner workings and feeling a huge amount of fear, not only of failure but even more so of success, and what failure may come of any possible success, no matter how small, and then that ultimate fear of failure led me to ultimately fail my private-book-writing session by searching for a hit of dopamine on WordPress, and there it was, a little orange dot from Elizabeth, and her comment, though added to a thread from several days ago, addressed exactly the fear I was experiencing at that moment, and then I went to her blog, and read some posts, and she had experienced, at six months sober/aware and at one year sober/aware and at various other points in her journey, exactly things I was experiencing in this moment, and I became so spiritually energized, where just before I had felt so depleted; so much so that I had to write this post.
And what is my point?
My point is that I truly feel that this sober community, which I was lucky enough to find partly thanks to my own quest for knowledge and love of words and love of stories and vicarious experience, and partly thanks to bloggers like you, and you and you, like you Melissa SoberAndWell and DrunkVsLife and Anna StormInAWineGlass and Nelson OneDrunk’sTale and HurrahForCoffee and Virginia and so many others, you and you and you… and this community which I was then lucky enough to be able to contribute to, and then lucky enough to find more of you (SAM, Elizabeth/WithoutTheWhine, NewChapter Dwight, Ainsobriety, Wendy/TipsyNoMore, HabitDone, Gratitude4Gratitude… and many more besides), here on WP, and others like Jacquelyn and FC cheering us on… this community is not like other social media; there is something strong and filled with quiet power here, and that power is… Hope. And Truth. And Love.
And so whatever it takes, whether it’s counting the days or not, whether it’s writing or just reading, whether it’s commenting or just liking, whether it’s feeling depressed or feeling as in clouds of heaven, whether it’s protecting oneself or exposing oneself, I keep finding that I would like to continue. And that’s thanks to you, and even to me; we who keep picking ourselves up, again and again, and doing the same.
As Elizabeth quoted or paraphrased or channelled:
“And He [….optionally replace with /She/Tree/god-energy….] will turn this heart of stone to one of flesh.”
p.s. still sober. :)) 🎉 we can name the day or not, and blog or not, whichever serves our sobriety best, at whatever moment.
- Ghostlines: https://withoutthewhine.wordpress.com/2017/06/07/ghostlines/ (or WP Reader link: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/115564263/posts/5222)
- 6 months and #metoo: https://withoutthewhine.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/6-months-and-metoo/ (or WP reader link: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/115564263/posts/4243)
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Edit 2019-06-08: made private soon after publishing, due to FDA (fear doubt post-publish anxiety, just for being my true damn self). Made public again today (loving myself, holla!). Added imbedded links which were missing before. Also full blog names. Previously wasn’t sure if folks would want to be named, was also afraid of having temporarily forgotten someone. However, better to try and fail than not try at all. Right? Right.)