Day 36 (2) – depression

I have no idea what my problem is. I’m tired, I feel useless, inadequate.

I can’t seem to function. All I can do is the bare minimum.

In spite of all my previous self-acceptance notes, I don’t feel accepting of myself.

I know why.

I seek validation outside myself. And there is never enough.

I don’t act, I react.

I have a god-sized hole in my soul.

—Tree? Are you there?

—I’m always here.

—What do I do?

I used to be the mom that did the maximum. Baked all the school cakes. Beautiful, decorated ones. Looking nice, dressing nice, smiling, offering, helping. Etc. Etc.

Now I do the minimum. I’ve baked the cake but it’s plain like the others.

What happened to me?

 

—You are okay.

You are fine the way you are.

I love you even when you don’t.

Even when others think you are unworthy, not enough, a nobody.

Nothing has changed, except

 

You see clearly now.

That will take some adjustment.

No matter what anyone thinks

You are okay. Exactly as you are.

 

 

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Edit 2019-06-08: made private soon after publishing due to FUD. Made public again now. It is what it is.