Day 3 – Sunshine and mini-mares

06:48 ish. I have not done my exercises yet. I woke up too late, after having stayed up too late binging on OPOC (Other People’s Online Content). Some of it yours, likely, if you’re reading this, so thank you. Also deep thanks to you, lovely person who commented on my last post. I feel scared of getting into the cycle of caring too much what others think, and this blog and this mission have to remain primarily for me, if I want it to work to fulfill its purpose. Through selfishness, in this case, I hope will be more selfless than I have ever been. So I have not yet replied to your comment, except here, now. But it meant a lot to me, and I thank you. I welcome all such truthful comments with gratitude.

I do want to write, now. So I will try to get to the exercises immediately afterwards. The physical exercises are for my mental health more than anything. But I am also going to try to go easy on myself. The last time I sincerely tried to become completely free of alcohol I got a little over-busy trying to be perfect while simultaneously fixing the world. The pressure killed me a little. As did FOMO (fear of missing out) and caring what others think. So this time I tread carefully.

It is another gorgeous day in this beautiful country, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the new grasses are waving silver-tipped in the fields, and I am glad to be alive. And glad to be on this path.

Some dark stuff next, but just for the record:

As I exhaustedly nodded off to sleep last night, I had an unusual experience. I at first kept waking up from tiny nightmares. I rarely see such images at night. This all happened within minutes: I would fall asleep for just seconds, experience a frightening scene, then wake up from it immediately.

The first image, I found myself at the bottom of a dry well. I was knocking rocks together. A shaft of light fell upon me.

The second image, I was going to take a ride on a rope swing, but I was unable to maintain my grasp on the rope. It was sunny outside but I felt terrified.

The third image was a frightening death-face.

I noted these mini-mares with a background awareness, through my exhaustion, just before dropping off to a deep sleep, that perhaps, I was being sent a message from the Tree. You can think of the Tree as god, as a guardian angel, as Universal Power, or as a product of my imagination or extended Self; whatever.

But I say it was a message from the Tree since I believe the images were not there to frighten me. I felt they were there to bring me to deep awareness of the difficulty of the task ahead.

I am preparing for battle. I do not like to use war-terms. Perhaps that has been to my detriment in the past. Sometimes we have to call a battle like it is.

I have a battle ahead of me, which no one except readers of this blog yet knows about.

Thank you for being here, now. I know this sounds strange, but

I love you. Even though I don’t know who you are.
Photo by Filipe Delgado from Pexels



3 thoughts on “Day 3 – Sunshine and mini-mares

  1. I can relate to this when I first stopped drinking. I’ve learned and believe in my own experience I’m allergic to alcohol. When I drink I have a allergic reaction both physically and mentally. Once alcohol is put in my system, I have a craving for more. After a while, I develop a mental obsession (due to the physical craving) of who, where, what I am going to go, where I’m going to get my fix – alcohol. Because of these two components I consider myself an alcoholic. I relate it to your story in this way (because I’ve been through the same). The nightmares, our constant shaking our of deep sleep, is our body craving alcohol or withdrawal. The images, for me, stemmed from my subconscious mind attempting to bring us back to an equilibrium, a balanced state. For me, I was fighting for my life. Alcohol was killing me.

    Liked by 1 person

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