Day 2 – Sunny and blue

I feel good this day. F*ck I don’t know what else to say. Stage fright, new blog and all. Why am I here? Is it just for me? Of course not. Otherwise I’d do it privately.

However, I really I have to write for myself only, in order to get anywhere near helping others. So, here goes the truth.

I don’t consider myself to be an alcoholic. If we’re talking amounts, during drinking periods I drink about 2-4 bottles of wine per week. I’ve also had periods of abstinence. 

But I don’t like my relationship with alcohol. It seems to sneak up on me or lurk in the background, like some good-time friend you’re dying to see every now and then, but who actually sets you back a lot.

— Dear Tree, what say you?

— You will be more yourself without wine than with it. It’s whether or not you can bear that, that counts. Can you bear that?

— That depends. Who am I?

— You are a child of the universe. Remember? When LIAV told you that?

— Are you LIAV?

— No, I don’t think so. Do you?

— I think you are an angel.

— Does it matter?

— Not to me. Dear Tree, I love thee. Please help me with my sobriety.

— I am here, whenever you need me.

— Thank you, Tree!

 

_____

21:35 I did not drink today and I am glad. 

I have some worries: 

  1. I passed by a neighbour’s house and thought with a sense of worry and loss about how I would handle things if they invited me over. I would not want to say no to a drink. What would I say? I have read another blog, they said they say “No thanks,” and if asked why, they simply say they are happier without alcohol. Tough though, the first few times, with your closest proximity friends, with whom you have ALWAYS worshipped the wine. (Except that time when you gave it up, and then they gave you up, and then you gave them up, and then you really, really missed them… so you took it back, and then took them back, and they took you back…)
  2. My husband. How shall I tell him, when he offers a drink this weekend? I have discussed it with him before, I have abstained for months before, but he doesn’t understand why I want to quit. He doesn’t think of me as having a problem wth alcohol (nobody does, that I know of. Last times I’ve quit it felt most folks thought I should get my head checked. Almost makes me wish I were a “real” alcoholic… OR not just “high-functioning/problem drinker” and in denial???)

I am falling asleep over the keyboard so I will go to bed. 

Tree, will you send me a dream? With the answers? Please? Thank you and I love you.


22:10 p.s. still awake. Saw this in my email. Good. 

“MUMMY’S MEDICINE: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HOW YOUR DRINKING HABITS AFFECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN? This week’s blog is by Joanna – Club Soda member, writer, and Mum. She shares the story of her journey with drinking and how it’s affected her relationship with her children.” – Via http://www.JoinClubSoda.co.uk. Re: http://www.shelooksfinetome.com/



23:10 p.p.s. still awake. My answers are in boldface.

All other text below copied from: 

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/high-functioning-alcoholic#1

[YIKES:] “What is heavy drinking? For women, it’s having more than three drinks a day or seven a week.” [OH. OOPS!] “For men, it’s four or more per day or 14 a week. [NO FAIR! lol] If you drink more than the daily or weekly limit, you’re at risk.” [THAT, I BELIEVE…SORT OF lol]

“That’s not the only way to tell if you or someone you care about needs help. There are some other red flags. You might:”

  • Say you have a problem or joke about alcoholism YES
  • Not keep up with major responsibilities at home, work, or school SOMETIMES
  • Lose friendships or have relationship problems due to drinking, but you don’t quit alcohol NO; THE OPPOSITE
  • Have legal problems related to drinking, such as a DUI arrest NO
  • Need alcohol to relax or feel confident  SOMETIMES
  • Drink in the morning 11:30 A.M. DOESN’T COUNT IN EUROPE (lol, but actually that is true at least in France) or when you’re alone YES
  • Get drunk when you don’t intend to  YES
  • Forget what you did while drinking SOMETIMES (conversations)
  • Deny drinking, hide alcohol, or get angry when confronted about drinking  NO
  • Cause loved ones to worry about or make excuses for your drinking  NO

Hmm, at least 6/10 red flags over my grey area…  

5 thoughts on “Day 2 – Sunny and blue

  1. I had to learn that alcoholism isn’t about quantity consumed. For me, alcoholism resides between my ears. It infested my thinking, my actions… The very voice that says I am not, is the voice of the gorilla on my back. I drank more than my fair share of alcohol, wrecked cars, lost jobs, screwed relationships, family and friends…

    Keep up the work. It’s totally worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally get this! I haven’t really had to explain to many people about my choice yet but those I have don’t even know I plan on not drinking ever again it’s more of a vague oh yea I’m just dieting and cutting it out. I’ve not said ‘for a while’ etc I just resent that it’s going to be assumed I did something really damaging or drank like 3 bottles of vodka a day, it’s gonna take some figuring out I think.

    ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks and same here…. and yet I know that most people who are curious actually might be thinking of stopping themselves… I know because I was one of those annoying people who always asked “why not” when someone said they didn’t drink. In my case it definitely wasn’t meant judgementally but curiously… still my “newfound sobriety” has to be protected first and foremost, as I now understood most of the people I asked were protecting theirs (against nosy and socially embarrassing intrusions into privacy, no matter how ignorant/innocent/well-intended). I want to tell the truth but not get into focussed attention on “my story” at the moment, because I’m still figuring it all out.

      I just saw this one the other day over at https://onedrunkstale.wordpress.com/2019/03/22/notable-quotes/ : “My body is a temple, but I like to keep the spirits on the outside.” (~Author unknown) I love that!! 💖

      Liked by 2 people

  3. For myself, living in an alcoholic home, I knew what an alcoholic was and affected everyone around them. I vowed never to be that person. But I did. When I took my first drink, all those feelings I didn’t want to deal with went away (even temporarily). Later in life I could stop, perhaps a day, maybe ’til the end of a week but eventually I would drink again. Even later, I knew I needed to stop drinking but I just couldn’t. I tried AA in my late twenties but thought “I’m not like them”, “This is all BS”, etc. It wasn’t until age 37, I had enough pain and suffering from my own causes I got the help I needed. I’m new to your blog, so I haven’t read much. Nor am I here to preach to you. You have to decide for yourself if your an alcoholic. I like what I’ve read thus far and will continue reading.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.